The Second Annual Golden Lotion Awards - Book II: This Time It's Personal

It's that time of the year again folks.

2013 was a big year in gaming. There were some very high profile releases, smaller independent developers continued to grab a bigger slice of the pie, and after what seems like several decades, the next generation of consoles finally, finally arrived (Oh, what's that about the Wii U?). Like always, there were some nice surprises and some terrible disappointments.

Join us now as we crack open the bottle to reveal the winners of...

 

Agreeing to a Sausage McMuffin Unknowingly #21: Dead Hungry Diner

I'm a zombie, you know what I mean. And I do my little turn on the catwalk.

Branbekka Plays the Hits: #20 Dungeon Hearts

Finally. A music game that *might* top Um Jammer Lammy.

Worst Branbekkastructures #19: MacGuffin's Curse

At first glance, MacGuffin's Curse is about moving blocks. Then batteries. Turns out... I wasn't wrong.

Super Brexagon #18: Super Hexagon

What's your favourite shape? Is it the triangle, a rhombus, a trapezium? If you said any of those, you're wrong. You just like the word Isosceles. So, unless you have a girlfriend who sings you Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and you like diamonds because of it, then the correct answer is the Hexagon.

Why? Because shut up. That's why.

Alliterating American Aligators #17: Flora's Fruit Farm

I could sit here, and go on about how this game is important in encouraging us all to eat our produce (once we rinse it, of course). But instead, I'll let you in on the real secret everyone plays this game.

The biggest Lions fans in the world #16: Amnesia- the Dark Descent

After being told this game was the scariest game ever, Rebecca decided to give it a whirl.

MM and DMD #15: Storm in a Teacup

Have you ever tried to squeeze your body into a giant tea cup and not fit? Did it come as a bitter disappointment to you? Well, we're going to sweeten up your day with another brantastic game.

 

Chopping Block #14: Dinner Date

For our one month anniversary, we decided we'd go on a date together.
That's right, mates, step up for Dinner Date.

Captain Branbekkasword #13: 9.03M

Another day, another weird game. This time with a nonsensical name.

Reflections of 2 Sick Peas #12: Draw a Stickman: EPIC

 Branbekka decided the best way to spend a lazy Summer/Winter day was to draw stick figures.

Maximum Magilla Mustard #11: Yumsters 2- Around the World

Always wanted to travel? Now you can, without getting off your ass. "What's the catch, Branbekka?", we hear you asking. (Yes, we can hear you. We're badass that way)

Saucy Mustard VS Steam #10: Proteus

I've spoken on behalf on nontraditional games in the past. Argued for games like Gone Home and Dear Esther to play with the boundaries of what makes a game.

That said: Damn it Proteus, be something.

Saucy Mustard VS Steam #9 Go Home Dinosaurs!

Throw another steak on the barbie, ya fuckin' galah!

Saucy Mustard VS Steam #8 Killing Floor

Deck the Halls with balls of zombies, fa la la la la, la la la la. Welcome to a special Branbekka Christmas review!

Killing Floor is a zombie FPS game. To celebrate Christmas, the infected are dressed in their best holiday gear. You'll be up against a wide range of specimens including; reindeer, gingerbread men, elves and Santa.

Jamirus Reviews / Overviews: Pokemon X and Y.

For my 6th anniversary, my true love gave to me! Pokemon Y. She got X. Deal with it.

Saucy Mustard VS Steam #7 Big Money! Deluxe

G'day mates.

Sick of being annihilated on Family Feud? Look no further, because I have the solution for you.

Saucy Mustard VS Steam #6: McPixel

Darth Vader.

A bear's asshole.

UFOs.

What do all of these things have in common? I don't know.

Saucy Mustard VS Steam #5: ItzaZoo

Hello loyal fans. Welcome to another Brantastic Beklog segment. Today we are bringing you a review, about ItzaZoo. (You're probably thinking that's the best rhyme you ever heard.)

Saucy Mustard VS Steam #4: ItzaBitza

You're probably thinking Itza Whatza? After playing this game for quite some time, I'm still not sure what the hell the title is on about.

Saucy Mustard VS Steam #3: Snuggle Truck

Snuggle and Truck are simply two words you never hear together. Trucks are not really known for snuggling. When two trucks snuggle, it is called an accident and sometimes people die.


Anyway....eh...this game is about stuffed animals.

Saucy Mustard VS Steam #2: Bunch of Heroes

Continuing our series of playing games no one's ever heard of, today we have Bunch of Heroes. That's, of course, a very generic and nondescript name. And yet, it's the best title for this generic and nondescript game.

Saucy Mustard VS Steam #1: Blueberry Garden

Steam has garnered a reputation for fostering massive game backlogs. When games are routinely on sale for 90% off, what kind of asshole would you have to be to pass on that? It doesn't matter that you have zero interest in Xtreme Granny Racing, it's only 2 dollars.

That is the Steam collection of one teh bekka, AKA Bekness, AKA Mustard, AKA DJ Nutbug. Shockingly, a great deal of these games are unplayed, or played very little. Her and I have thus endeavored to play and review every one.

First up is Blueberry Garden, whatever that hell that is.

Greatest Sounds of our Generations Special: All Dem Feels.

Hello, everyone. It's been a while since I've had the time to formulate another article. I know you guys have been all "Ohmigosh, where is he?! He said he would update regularly and It's been like forever since his last post! This is getting out of hand. Jamirus is the only reason I even go to this stupid site anymore! Every time I sit here and hit F5 to refresh the screen praying to goodness that a new and interesting post is submitted with that funky fresh Jamirus appeal I've come to know and love!" Well, specifically Gorilla, this post is for all you (1) guys and gals out there that have been waiting... and hoping... and sacrificing lambs for! YES! It's more music!

Speaking of Sacraficing and enjoying life and such, this one's a super special GSooG! ALL DEM FEELS. Here I will provide a list of songs that I find suitable for feelings that humans tend to have every now and then. Robots just can't understand. However, if they could, we would all be dest-

Greatest Sounds of our Generations: All Dem Feels!

Why did I pick this picture? It's fucking hideous.

REVIEW - Dead Rising 3 (Xbox One)

 Another article from our friend Sunny. This time his thoughts on Capcom's Xbox One exclusive zombie killin' sequel.

To me, the Dead Rising series has been an interesting roller coaster ride. The first game was the first 360 game to really make the 7th generation look like the future. The second Dead Rising wasn’t my thing. I already wasn’t a fan of timed missions, but the Zombrex missions were a step too far. Finally, DR2: Off the Record gave us the sandbox mode that made me love the game. Plus, Frank West is a badass.

Retroulette #36: Home Improvement

In case you're not totally fresh on your 90's sitcom knowledge, Home Improvement was a show where the guy from The Santa Clause played a retarded TV personality. It was a big hit. So, like anything else with any kind of market awareness, it was developed into a video game.

Sunny's Thoughts on the Xbox One

 Our friend Sunny once again graces us with his presence. And being the first one of us to jump headfirst into the next generation, he offers his first impressions of Microsoft's new console.



Ah…the Xbox One is here. After a summer full of being slammed about some poor decisions and iffy PR, the successor to the Xbox 360 has arrived. Hey! Now that both consoles are out, maybe the console wars will subside.

Spoilers: They will not.

RE: "You.....You Can Do That? (COMIC)"

>>Story by Luchalma & Calsetes.<<

You.....You Can Do That? (COMIC)

It would be real easy to get what you want in the Pokémon universe. Team Rocket didn't think big enough.

As always, open it in a new tab for a better view.

Who are the real pocket monsters?

Art by Luchalma
Story by Luchalma & Calsetes.

Retroulette Spooktober Spookstravaganza - Part 2

Welcome back. Last time, we battled the forces of Frankenstein and the demon "Y". And in both cases we failed miserably.

But not even unmitigated defeat can stop the Spookstravaganza!

Retroulette Spooktober Spookstravaganza - Part 1

It has been too long, my friends. Many moons since I last delved into the festering pile of forgotten games. But Halloween is upon us, and it is at this time of the year that the nightmarish horrors we spend the rest of the time trying to forget claw themselves to the very forefront of our consciousness. Yes, bats and mummies, truly the bane of our existence.

Without my thoughts, I continue,
Without my free will, I continue,
Staring, staring into this abyss.

But we must face our fears! I have gathered here a small sampling of games that will test our resolve.

Letter From The Jungle: Orc Attack

REVIEW - The Stanley Parable (PC)

It has been an interesting year for narrative driven games. Some have managed to simply provide an intriguing backdrop for their shooting galleries. Some have stripped even that away to make finding postcards an interesting experience. And then there's The Stanley Parable. TSP (as it will henceforth be known) is a game of choices. Open a door. Don't open a door. Push a button. Don't push a button. But by its very nature, it is a false sense of freedom. The game knows, at the same time, that you will push and not push that button.

Click below to read more.

What happens next!? » 

What it's like to be the pregnant teen in America

Gravity - A Review In Haiku

Top Bananas #8 - The Top Ten Most Awesome Things about Current Gen Games

The next generation is almost here, and if the internet is to be believed (why would you doubt it?) the release of these new-fangled machineridoodaas will lead to the sort of catastrophe only seen in Roland Emmerich movies. No, not Rolando Emmericho; his movies are sweet, but big-daddy-explode-the-world Roland Emmerich. You see, Microsoft has plans to kidnap and then systematically eat every single baby on the planet, even baby penguins, and Sony has fixed its evil eyes and despicable intentions on punching you repeatedly in the balls without even saying sorry. Nintendo meanwhile has focused so hard on yet another Mario game that the entire company has dissolved into one of the many sweat stains dripping down Mario's unsightly chin as he attempts to squash yet another hardworking Goomba (with his ass, no less). Things are so bad that I have decided to write a semi-serious Top Bananas!

Bloody hell Microsoft, YOU BASTARDS!!!

With all this doom and gloom, and the echoing cries and wails of internet plebs everywhere (yup, I'm talkin' 'bout you), it's become difficult to see even the most remote flicker of hope in the next generation, although I'm sure that upon release everything will have been forgotten and all the naysayers will be happily enjoying their new console (whichever they should choose; probably the PS4, although I have to say I like the look of the Xbox One - I know, I suck).

So, with the intention of ignoring the horror that awaits gamers everywhere in generation 8 (Gener8 if you are a slimy marketing exec. looking for a somewhat cool, but most shit slogan), this Top Bananas walks you down memory lane with a smug grin on its face, a joyous swing in its step and at least two hands in your pants. I welcome you to the top ten most awesome things about current gen games!

Top Bananas # 7: The Top Ten Pairs of Boobs in Current Gen Gaming.

Promises were made. Promises were made and subsequently broken; no, not only broken, but smashed, destroyed and quite possibly obliterated, just last month the Top Bananas team were offering our sincere (mostly) apologies for unforeseen delays in the research and development, and publication, of our gaming-related top ten lists. It depresses us to inform you that we are once more sitting here enveloped in sadness, awash with the misery of failure and aghast at the realisation that we must apologise again for further unforeseen delays (which may, or may not, relate to the release of GTA V). So, here it is; this is the beating heart of a team with nothing left to give, hold it sweetly in your hand, don’t squeeze too hard: We are sorry for the delay! There, we did it. Phew. KaPow. Zing. Bosh. Whooo!

Greatest Sounds of our Generations: Remix

So, I was thinking about how much I love when a video game series uses old classics and jazzes them up for a new generation to hear. A lot of games do this, and I always appreciate it. Unless the song sucks, then I don't appreciate it. I hate it instead. That really doesn't happen all that often, but when it does, I whip into a frenzy and am incapacitated for the rest of the day. You know what else I hate? Eggs.

So, that brings us to today's entertainment. No, it isn't porn! It's music! Remix'd music.

Fruit Review: Book 3

Wow, welcome back to Part 3.  Tonight's fruit to review is Watermelon, want to know what fruit got reviewed?  Click the article to find out.

Greatest Sounds of our Generations: Sega Saturn

Well, I have like 2 hours alone or something, so instead of watching porn and masturbating or swimming naked, I decided to write up a blog post. I'm not sure if this is the correct decision at this time in my life, but I guess I'll live.

So, up next for your viewing and or listening pleasure (if that's what you'd like to call it), I've decided to delve into the system that no one owned but me. The Sega Saturn!

On a side note, my cable just went out.

Robot Blog: Fruit Review- Part 4; Gorilla's Choice For A Superhero Movie, As Well As The Cast For It: Part 1; The Announcement Of The Superhero Movie, As Well As The Cast For It

 Welcome back to Fruit Review Part 4.  In honor of a new Batman actor being announced today, I reveal who I feel should be cast in a superhero movie. [/bold] [/insert jump break]

   

[/insert the following phrase:  what happens next?]

Comic - Back Home

Beautifully illustrated in the style of classical Lazyist artists such as Dave, and The Gooch, this comic shows what I felt was going to happen at any moment while playing Gone Home.

Gone Home: The best non game videogame I've ever barely played

Gone Home is the first game from The Fullbright Company, an independent company founded by former Bioshock developers. It's unsurprising to me that they would come from that background, as Gone Home is the kind of game I imagine Bioshock could be in a world where such a budget didn't demand the broad appeal gunplay brings.

(Don't worry, there's no spoilers.)