Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Letter From The Jungle: Orc Attack

To whom it may concern,

I started playing Orc Attack the other night.  It's that game where you choose a big orc, then go beat the shit out of people, with 4 of your friends.  I played it solo this time around.  Orc Attack was that game that reminded us of Castle Crashers in some ways.  CHAGA CHAGA CHAGA CHAGA!  Well I've been playing it, and it's fucking awesome.  I'll tell you what happened.

Out of the two paths, "Dirty" and "Mage", I chose "Dirty".  One of them does one thing, the other does another probably.  After a story cutscene about bla bla bla, I went with this guy:

On the first stage, I ran through the swamp with two big clubs, laying waste to anyone in front of me.  You can use those campfires that you see around the level, once you build up your gas bar, you have to press the LT button to fart on them, igniting those foolish enough to come close to you.  I got my orc's level up, and I learned a couple new badass moves to use.  Then it looks like there are some that you can only use in co-op, so I'll have to wait until we play together again to use them.  At the end of the stage, this big guy in a mask comes stomping out, and you go head to head with him for a while.  When I killed him, I took his mask and huge mace that were now lying on the ground.  I don't know what the mask does, but it looked good on me.  You get a chance to grab a bunch of falling money at the end of the stage too, before time runs out.

An orc surrounded by vegeation, grass, and such.  A campfire is to the left, a red bridge towards the back.   Various grasses are also to the left.  A stack of rocks is to the right.

Stopped at a shop on the map, put a bunch of points into strength and defense, then moved onto stage 2 without buying anything.

Saw a picture for this game while I wrote this, looks pretty cool

In Stage 2, you have to escort this little fella that you found, but it's not so bad.  My orc sure as hell looks badass, and I found a shield in this level.

After that, when you get back to the map, you can start choosing which way to go now.  I went with the forest, and the game got a little tougher here, which is good.  I got the shit kicked out of me a couple of times, but thankfully you have this guy to give you hints during the loading screen after you die:

*picks up phone*  *takes long, deep breaths*  *hangs up phone and cries*

Finally I said the hell with it, went to the store, and came back with some cleavers.  You learn a move called "Twist" here, and it tells you to hit RB+Y.  Well the way to do it, is to hit Y, right when you hit the end of the roll motion.  It is valuable and helped me make it through this stage.  It was gratifying kicking the shit out of the angry mobs in this level, and the fluid combat in this game made it even better.   Midway through, I took the gear from a soldier who looked like a mini-boss for the stage.

There's a part of this stage where groups of archers and shooting at you, and you have to take cover behind wagons, as you are fighting enemies.  The final boss is a robot that wants to crush you.  Now don't get me wrong, this robot was no class act like the robots that you got here.  This robot was a world class turd, and I'm sorry, but he got what he deserved.

I'm heading to the snow level now, ready to fuck shit up.  The boss of this level is a huge snowman, and he's had it up to here with you.

Hey, hey I'll tell ya, I had enough of his....... ICE-CAPADES!!  HAH?   AHA!  AHAHA!   I SAID I HAD ENOUGH OF HIS ICE-CAPADES!   BECAUSE HE'S A SNOWMAN!  THIS IS WHERE THE HUMOR OCCURRED IN THE SENTENCE!  And I moved onto the desert stage, which is of course adjacent to the ice stage.  You fight some really annoying enemies here, mummies, who latch onto you ALA Congo Bongo, I'll pretend that someone other than me remembers that game, and you have to wiggle the right stick to get them off of you.  Belching on them made short work of them.  I felt like that guy from Alone In The Wilderness when I wrote that part.  "Saw a mummy today"   "Sure was a pesky bugger"   "Decided to belch on him"   "Iiiiii don't think I'll be seeing that fella again, well, anytime soon, at least."   "Even so.... I'll keep an eye out for him, come next season."  Well the good thing is that I have the snowman's top hat here, which I'm sure helps me in some way or another.  You fight a big warrior at the end of this one, and he drops a sweet mask.

 A lot of the fun is in the combat of the game.  At this time, the game got harder, the enemies grew in numbers, and the bosses got tougher.

In the next forest, you fight this big monster who was the toughest boss so far.  He throws mud at you from a long distance, and if it hits you, you slow down and he stomps you.  If he stomps you, you get dazed, and that sets him up to stomp you again.  It fucking sucks.

Check out this outfit now:

Well, by now I have been revisiting the forest, the snow level, and the desert a couple more times.  I'm sick of this shit.  And fuck you as well.  The bosses have started repeating, I am fighting the same guys ones now.  The slowdown when enemies enter the screen has gotten to the point that I thought my 360 had gotten infected with spyware.  I'm done with this game, and I've had it with you.  I'm going to play Ninja Turtles now.


  1. What is that game with the guy on the zipline? Looks way better than this game. It probably only has one lava level.

  2. I think it's one of those Splinter Cell games. We should think about picking it up some time and co-oping it.

  3. I think that Capwnd mentioned getting a game of Rainbow:Six- Vegas together. Well, you know how that goes. We all talk about "oh we should get together sometime and play ____ game", and that day never comes.

    1. That sounds like a challenge!

      Name the time and place. I'll BE there.

  4. I'll BE there too!

    Wait why is BE in capital letters?

    RSV or better yet RSV 2 any time.

  5. Gorilla Humping Table With Horrified OnlookersNovember 3, 2013 at 4:59 PM

    OK - TC and the commenters will get in a game of Just CAUSE and TC; RS:V OR TC; RS: V-2 we'll all wind down with a quick game of Disney's BEE Movie