Saturday, June 30, 2012

Don't Call it a Review: Gravity Rush (Vita)

I expected to enjoy this game. Every piece of media about it I seen only reinforced the idea. I did not, however, expect to enjoy it so much. This is an amazing game, you guys. I'm only about halfway  done with the game, but I'm ready to state that it is a serious Game of the Year contender for me.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Retroulette #25: Zombies Ate My Neighbors

Ok, so the robots said I can't just play Vita all day every day. I have to play another old game.


Well, what terrible liscened crap do I have to play this time?


No shit, Robot?! Yes! Fucking yes! This is one of my favorite games of all time! Today's game is Zombies Ate My Neighbors, for the SNES.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

I Want to Hold Your Handheld

     A lot has been said about the viability of dedicated handheld gaming system in today's market. It's a common opinion that we don't need a system just to play games when we already have one in our pockets that can play Angry Birds thank-you-very-much.  But I've played a fair bit of a friend's 3DS, and now recently a Vita, and I say we absolutely do need these things. And we always will. 

Fun? Maybe. Challenging? Sometimes. Deep? As a Kardashian.

Friday, June 22, 2012

A Forgone Conclusion

So. I got a Vita.

There was never any chance I was going to wait. I picked up Gravity Rush with it, which so far is great. I'll have more impressions and reviews as I spend time with it.

"Hey, we don't care what you have to say about Vita!" You say (probably). But I don't care.

 I got a Vita, I'm going to talk about it.

Off to the garbage can with you, PSP!

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Retroulette #24: The MisAdventures of Flink

Ok. This game has a stupid name. But some games with unfortunately stupid names are actually really great. Take Power Piggs of the Dark Age.

Seriously. Take it, I don't want it in my house anymore.

And with that old joke we set course.....for misadventure!

Monday, June 18, 2012

To Vita or not to Vita

Right away I'll say this: The PSP is one of my favorite game consoles.


Despite selling more systems than the PS3 and 360, it was always quite unpopular here in the West, and to some people likened to an N-Gage sized failure. But to me, it was a brilliantly ahead of its time gadget populated with dozens of amazingly quirky games you just wouldn't find anywhere else. It was practically the Dreamcast of handhelds. The fact that it was unfortunately easy to pirate games on doesn't hurt the comparison either. I bought the PSP exactly one week after launch for $250 and never once regretted it.

I'll spare you a picture of me licking a PSP, but just know that I am doing it right now.

But enough about that old thing. Earlier this year, the successor to the PSP was released. I wanted one the second it was revealed, then known as the NGP. But because I didn't have the funds for it, I sort of ignored its release.

But then I seen one for the first time in a Best Buy, and I fell in love.

That sexy-ass screen, that nice set of analog sticks, that beautiful behind...touchpad. DAMN, that girl's got all the goods.

Right away the angel and devil on my shoulders started arguing.

"You want this thing right now. Get it. GET IT!"

"Shit, I gotta agree. That thing is gorgeous-Wait, what am I saying? You should wait! Wait for a price drop!"

So I went home and thought it over. But as always, I get myself hyped up over things like this and lose all objectivity and reason. Every time someone brings up a good point about why I should hold off, I just think "But.....look at the pretty screen."

This post is more bloggy than normal, but I'm really just trying to justify getting a Vita to myself.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Retroulette #23: Lethal Weapon

Another Nintendo game, another movie. This one based on the classic 80's buddy cop flick pairing up a guy who's just too old for this shit and a racist. To be honest, I haven't seen this movie. I did however see Lethal Weapon 4, but for the life of me I can't even remember Riggs or Murtaugh even being in that movie. In my recollection of it, it's all about Jet Li and Joe Pesci.

Of particular note is the scene where Joe tells Jet to dance by shooting at his feet, and then Jet Li kicks him in the face.

What does Lethal Weapon for the Nintendo Entertainment System have in store for us?

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Retroulette #22: The Pagemaster

Ahhhh, another licensed game. You know, it really seems like at least a third of games back then were based on some established property. This one is based on a 1994 movie where the dude from Home Alone gets sucked into a book or some shit. The only thing I remember about this movie is that Whoopi Goldberg is in it. And only because her character looks just like her.

This is her, right?

Monday, June 11, 2012

Luchalma Lingo: Normal Clock Moment

Normal Clock Moment

The exact moment a game's New Game Magic disappears; Any moment the game breaks your immersion.

"That guard running into a wall for ten minutes was a big Normal Clock Moment for me."


 Lucid dreaming is the act of dreaming while knowing you are dreaming. The idea is, if you know you're dreaming, you can control your dreams and thus take advantage of all the perks of a world created by your subconscious. How can you ever possibly know you're dreaming? A common method is to try to read something, such as the face of a clock. If the numbers are shifting or nonsensical, you're either dreaming or you bought a shitty clock.

It's  ǣȡ : ɷʬ  already?!
Now picture this. You buy a new game and start it up. Everything in the game feels so new! You're learning how to play, characters and game concepts are introduced, and the world feels alive. You can do anything here, this is your virtual playground!

Now give it a few hours.

After spending some time in there, you now know the boundaries of the game world. The game mechanics are not flexible, your actions are limited by the developers.

You stare at the clock. It's not crazy after all. You're in the boring real world, ruled by laws of physics and reason.

This problem is most noticeable in open world games. Initially these games are overwhelming with the possibilities they present. But after a while I realize I can't just go fishing in Skyrim, I can't take a trip to Japan in Just Cause, and I can't quit killing to run a bakery in Assassin's Creed.

The smoke dissipates, the mirrors shatter.

What the hell, this was just a game all along!

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Getting Rid of the Blogspot, Getting Rid of the B

I've managed to drop the horrible .blogspot URL.

If you're reading this, you either already know this or would never know the difference.


"Wooooo, new URL!"

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Retroulette #21: Déjà Vu

The dame walks into my office with the grace of a dump truck. Her figure is slim, but being composed entirely of metal will have that effect on a lady. FataleBot, she gives her name, Femme FataleBot. Clutched tightly in her claws she holds a small box. She gives me a long story but I only focus on the important parts. This is a gig. She hands me the box.

Déjà Vu, it says, for the Nintendo Entertainment System.

Odd. I feel like I've played this game before...

Thursday, June 7, 2012

The 5 Best Games of E3 According to Some Guy

 Now that E3 is done and over with, you've no doubt been overwhelmed by the amount of games on display. What was good? What was bad? It's all too chaotic to tell, surely.

That's why I'm here. No need to form an opinion of your own, just take mine.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Robotic Buzzkill Episode 002: Overlord Tera

 The war with the robots is a terrible and frightening one. I fight them with video game reviews, but others have...their own ways. Here we highlight Jamirus' continuing efforts.

 I have decided to once again delve into the Robot's lair. This time I know what to expect, and I'm fully prepared for whatever robotic atrocities are spammed at me. I must know. Did Andrew survive my onslaught of human emotions? Let's find out.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Retroulette #20: Chessmaster

Chess. The ancient game of...


Ok, damn it. I don't know how to play Chess. 

Yes, it's true. Checkers is more my speed, especially when it's of the Bloody variety. At times, this has caused others to assume I am intellectually inferior. This always works to my advantage as I Columbo their asses with my delightfully piquant wit.

But of course it had to be Chess. Shhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

This may be the shortest Retroulette ever.

Monday, June 4, 2012

On Microsoft's E3 presentation.

I see my enthusiasm was misplaced. While in past years I would at least laugh at the awkwardness, this year I only yawned.

Microsoft! You can't even fail right!

Usher, you ruin everything.

Obligitory E3 Post

As a blog mostly (entirely) centered around video games, it would be hard to avoid the looming giant that is the Electronic Entertainment Expo. Every year, this event showcases the latest and greatest in video gaming. I love it for the wondrous new experiences it presents (even if, as of late, they are all leaked weeks in advance), but I also hate it for the way it teases me with games I want right now.

And then months later E3's ghost will inevitably return to break my heart.

I take special interest in Microsoft's conference. Not because they show the best games. Quite the opposite. Microsoft has a formula they've followed the past few years.

  • Gears or Forza or Fable or Halo
  • New Call of Duty (that, I don't need to remind you, is on every console), but with timed exclusive DLC!
  • Some new apps that no one cares about.
  • Kinect.
  • Kinect.
  • Kinect.
  • Kinect.
  • Kinect.
  • Kinect.
On paper, this doesn't sound so interesting. But train wrecks always sound tragic in print. You have to see it.

Shit. Is.   
Nintendo and Sony have their share of silly moments as well, but only the rich white nerds at Microsoft seem to posses the inability to come anywhere close to cool.  As of this writing, it's only moments until my favorite part of E3. I can't wait!

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Retroulette #19: The Ottifants

Today I was told to play The Ottifants, for the Mega Drive. I say Mega Drive and not the more correct and sexier sounding Genesis because this game is European as shit. Initially I was very excited to play it, but only because I expected something entirely different based on the title.

However, reality always has a way of knocking my fantasies to the ground and kicking the shit out of them until they conform to the boringness reality has such a hard on for.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Retroulette #18: Power Piggs of the Dark Age

You can tell this game isn’t going to be good. Two words into reading the title and I was certain of that fact. When you’re at the point you are using two g’s for “pig” by definition whatever it is you’re naming will suck. But never let it be said that I don’t give these games a chance. I’ve not rejected the idea that this game could wholly surprise me.

But ask yourself this. Do you really think it does?