Retroulette #27: Road Rash II

Ahhhh, another relic of my youth. Or, I think it is. I had one of the Road Rash Games, and they all look exactly the same.

Are my fond memories of this game (unless it wasn't this game) nothing but nostalgia? Or was this game (or, the one I did have) truly badass?

Retroulette #26: The New Adventures of Mary-Kate and Ashley

A Mary-Kate and Ashley game! Of course. There's like 1,300 of them. There's something like a 18% chance to pick a MK&A game at any time with the Retroulette. I'm only shocked it took 26 games to finally get one.

Retroulette #25: Zombies Ate My Neighbors

Ok, so the robots said I can't just play Vita all day every day. I have to play another old game.

Damn.

Well, what terrible liscened crap do I have to play this time?

...


No shit, Robot?! Yes! Fucking yes! This is one of my favorite games of all time! Today's game is Zombies Ate My Neighbors, for the SNES.

Retroulette #24: The MisAdventures of Flink

Ok. This game has a stupid name. But some games with unfortunately stupid names are actually really great. Take Power Piggs of the Dark Age.



Seriously. Take it, I don't want it in my house anymore.



And with that old joke we set course.....for misadventure!

Retroulette #23: Lethal Weapon

Another Nintendo game, another movie. This one based on the classic 80's buddy cop flick pairing up a guy who's just too old for this shit and a racist. To be honest, I haven't seen this movie. I did however see Lethal Weapon 4, but for the life of me I can't even remember Riggs or Murtaugh even being in that movie. In my recollection of it, it's all about Jet Li and Joe Pesci.

Of particular note is the scene where Joe tells Jet to dance by shooting at his feet, and then Jet Li kicks him in the face.

What does Lethal Weapon for the Nintendo Entertainment System have in store for us?

Retroulette #22: The Pagemaster

Ahhhh, another licensed game. You know, it really seems like at least a third of games back then were based on some established property. This one is based on a 1994 movie where the dude from Home Alone gets sucked into a book or some shit. The only thing I remember about this movie is that Whoopi Goldberg is in it. And only because her character looks just like her.

This is her, right?

Retroulette #21: Déjà Vu

The dame walks into my office with the grace of a dump truck. Her figure is slim, but being composed entirely of metal will have that effect on a lady. FataleBot, she gives her name, Femme FataleBot. Clutched tightly in her claws she holds a small box. She gives me a long story but I only focus on the important parts. This is a gig. She hands me the box.

Déjà Vu, it says, for the Nintendo Entertainment System.

Odd. I feel like I've played this game before...

Retroulette #20: Chessmaster

Chess. The ancient game of...

of...

Ok, damn it. I don't know how to play Chess. 

Yes, it's true. Checkers is more my speed, especially when it's of the Bloody variety. At times, this has caused others to assume I am intellectually inferior. This always works to my advantage as I Columbo their asses with my delightfully piquant wit.

But of course it had to be Chess. Shhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

This may be the shortest Retroulette ever.

Retroulette #19: The Ottifants

Today I was told to play The Ottifants, for the Mega Drive. I say Mega Drive and not the more correct and sexier sounding Genesis because this game is European as shit. Initially I was very excited to play it, but only because I expected something entirely different based on the title.

However, reality always has a way of knocking my fantasies to the ground and kicking the shit out of them until they conform to the boringness reality has such a hard on for.

Retroulette #18: Power Piggs of the Dark Age

You can tell this game isn’t going to be good. Two words into reading the title and I was certain of that fact. When you’re at the point you are using two g’s for “pig” by definition whatever it is you’re naming will suck. But never let it be said that I don’t give these games a chance. I’ve not rejected the idea that this game could wholly surprise me.

But ask yourself this. Do you really think it does?

Retroulette #17: Magical Tetris Challenge

So. Tetris. About as timeless a game as you are probable to find. The shapes fall. The lines clear.

Perfection in simplicity.

But if there’s one game that needs to shake things up once in a while to maintain my interest, it’s Tetris (or Call of Duty. Let me know if that ever happens).

This game attempts to do that. Almost to a fault.

Retroulette #16: Last Action Hero(es)

Today we’re going to do something a lil’ different. The robot who picked the game only told me ‘Last. Action. Hero.’

“Awesome”, I thought, “I love that movie. The game is sure to be great!” Upon checking my collection, however, I noticed a problem. “Hey, wait a second, there’s like four of these things…Robot, which one am I supposed to pl—“

But he was already gone. So I’m going to play all of them.

Retroulette #15: Roswell Conspiracies - Aliens, Myths & Legends

Today's game is a little mystery by the name of Roswell Conspiracies - Aliens, Myths & Legends for the Gameboy Color. Now, a name like that is intriguing. With most games, you can mostly tell what kind of game it is by the name. A game called Rugrats: Party Babies is invariably going to be a terrible collection of awful minigames. But what kind of game could this be? A trivia collection? A collection of news clippings and photographs for your Gameboy Color?

Just what the hell is this?

Retroulette #14: Zaxxon's Motherbase 2000

Today's game is a little shoot 'em up for the Sega 32X knows as Zaxxon's Motherbase 2000. I must have missed the first 1999 (hahahaha ugh). This game looks and sounds pretty good. But let me tell you folks.


I hate this game.


I hate it so bad.

Retroulette SPECIAL : Wolfenstein 3D

Today is a special episode of Retroulette. It's just a normal episode, the only difference being this game wasn't picked at random. Yes, I intentionally picked this game. Wolfenstien 3D was released 20 years ago and I've never really played it before.

Ok, yes, I'm a week late for the birthday.

And ok, I'm playing the SNES version, which is not 20 years old and also probably worse.

But let's not let those little details get in the way of a good time, baby.

Retroulette #13: The Jetsons: Cogswell's Caper

To cleanse my palate of that horrifying Barbie game, I was given the extra manly The Jetsons: Cogswell's Caper for the Nintendo Entertainment System.


This game...