Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Retroulette #22: The Pagemaster

Ahhhh, another licensed game. You know, it really seems like at least a third of games back then were based on some established property. This one is based on a 1994 movie where the dude from Home Alone gets sucked into a book or some shit. The only thing I remember about this movie is that Whoopi Goldberg is in it. And only because her character looks just like her.

This is her, right?

The game begins with this menu screen.

Aryan Harry Potter doesn't know how to hold a shield methinks.

There's no options...option. And that pisses me off. I always go into the options menu before playing a game. This game is already on my last nerve.

So let's see the story! Fill me in on what I've forgotten, game.

Or just start the fucking game already. You know, a summary of why I'm in Horror World is all I ask. One sentence will do! It's not like I'm asking you to sit around the table and brainstorm plots like "ninjas kidnapped the President" or anything. This game is based on a movie, which presumably doesn't just open in Horror World. So I guess I have to surmise my own plot from that picture.

Young Don Knotts is spooked out by a scary story, not realizing that the true horrors are all around him.

There. I did your job for you, developers. I guess I can't blame them. Who would ever buy this game without having seen this movie?

Who would buy this game anyway?

Anyway, this is Horror World I guess.

This book is boring as shit.
This is actually the World Map. From here you have the choice of not playing any levels, or moving right and playing the first stage, "The Torture Chamber". 

What kind of movie was this?

Anyway, it took me quite a bit of time to actually start the stage. I pressed every face button and nothing happened. This is one of those stupid games that requires you to press 'Start' to select. 

I was "ready" when I pressed 'A'. I was very "ready" when I pressed 'B'. I was already bored of this game by the time I hit 'Y' and I wanted to stop playing by the time I hit 'X'.
So after about five whole seconds of the game telling you to "Get Ready" for the actual level, we get...

What the hell do they want from me!? How ready can I frakking be for this dumb game? Is this game expecting to blow my fragile little mind?

So, right away at the beginning of the level there's some beetle floating there.

Touching it makes my shoes sparkly. That's....all it does. A little later on in the level there's some bats. I try to kill them with my pixie dust sneakers, but I only manage to get myself hurt in the process.

If my fabulousness can't defeat evil, what can!?

Getting hit takes away whatever "upgrade" you have at the time, so that bat stole my shoes.

After that I see a book. It looks like some sort of power up or something so I go to grab it...

"I wonder what magical adventures await me in th-AHHH FUCK BOOKS!"

What kind of message is this story trying to get across? Why would the movie and video game industry spend so much money to create a product that gives kids the idea books are scary and evil, and also that they will kill you?

I couldn't imagine.

Graphically, a major problem with this game is what I like to call "Way too much shit in the foreground." Maybe back in the day it was cool to see stuff in front of the play space because "Whoa so 3D. The level is popping out at me!!" but when I'm trying to play and half the level is obscured by things that are irrelevant to the gameplay experience that is not cool.

The only things that matter in this screen are Kevin McAllister and the floor.
So after another getting ready for the level again I make my way through the level and-damn it that bat stole my shoes again! 

Then I find this guy just sleeping in a corner.

You can't wake him up or interact with him in any way. He's just as pointless as the foreground mess. But hey, at least he doesn't kill me.

Those bats do though. And then after that, some Mr. Hyde looking guy.

I actually had to think about which way I wanted to go here.

This game ain't no fucking joke. Those GET READY screens really are trying to prepare you. If you get hit twice in this game, you're dead, and only if you have a power up. I die so many times on this level. It's partly my fault, for not taking my time as much as I should have, but it's also mostly this game's fault for being so damn unforgiving.

This level is filled with tons of little side paths that lead to all sorts of useless junk. But on one of these I find a bag of marbles. Marbles. Are. The. Shit.

With these things you can just button mash the attack button and everything in front of you dies. 

I'm like fucking Rambo. But with marbles.

They're infinite, unless you get hit of course. And wouldn't you know it some fucking slime drips on my head and steals all my marbles. It's back to being weak as hell. 

Somehow I manage to beat this level eventually. At the end of the level is a book that you have to touch to go to the next stage. But I've already learned that books are the worst so I attack it for like ten seconds before I realize it says Exit on it.

Surprsingly the World Map gives me the option of two levels here.

We've got Ghost of a Chance, and That's the Spirit. I went to That's the Spirit last, so I pick that one.

Wait, I'm not ready yet!!!
There's nothing to say about this level. At some point there's a platform that I can't reach. It looks like I can, and I try many, many times. But no dice.

In that second screen he's fucking on it!!
Screw this game. I briefly consider entering a Password to try a later level, but then I remembered I'd have to play more of The Pagemaster.


Hahaha, he sucks ass at fighting dragons.



  1. You gave it a taco in its score summary? But...
    I love tacos.

  2. Gorilla With BasketJuly 9, 2012 at 10:05 PM

    You've brought my attention to it, and you're right man, thats a pretty amazing taco, the little tomato chunklets are distributed juuust right... even spacing and such... just perfect. The dog is pretty awesome too.

  3. Gorilla With BasketJuly 9, 2012 at 10:12 PM

    /Insert profile

  4. Gorilla With BasketJuly 9, 2012 at 10:13 PM

    /add picture

  5. Gorilla With BasketJuly 9, 2012 at 10:13 PM

    /add picture to following command: Profile