Thursday, May 31, 2012

Retroulette #17: Magical Tetris Challenge

So. Tetris. About as timeless a game as you are probable to find. The shapes fall. The lines clear.

Perfection in simplicity.

But if there’s one game that needs to shake things up once in a while to maintain my interest, it’s Tetris (or Call of Duty. Let me know if that ever happens).

This game attempts to do that. Almost to a fault.


You know I didn't want to leave babe. I just needed some time to clear my head. Now I'm here and I'm never going anywhere again.

Unless you start smothering me. Then I'm right out the door again.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Retroulette #16: Last Action Hero(es)

Today we’re going to do something a lil’ different. The robot who picked the game only told me ‘Last. Action. Hero.’
“Awesome”, I thought, “I love that movie. The game is sure to be great!” Upon checking my collection, however, I noticed a problem. “Hey, wait a second, there’s like four of these things…Robot, which one am I supposed to pl—“

But he was already gone. So I’m going to play all of them.

Where the hell have I been?

For those that thought that maybe the robots have finally gotten me, relax. I've had some "technical difficulties". I will be gone for a few more days after this most likely, but I've posted a Retroulette to whet your appetite. When I'm back back I will have an update or two (or three) ready.

- Luchalma

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Retroulette #15: Roswell Conspiracies - Aliens, Myths & Legends

Today's game is a little mystery by the name of Roswell Conspiracies - Aliens, Myths & Legends for the Gameboy Color. Now, a name like that is intriguing. With most games, you can mostly tell what kind of game it is by the name. A game called Rugrats: Party Babies is invariably going to be a terrible collection of awful minigames. But what kind of game could this be? A trivia collection? A collection of news clippings and photographs for your Gameboy Color?

Just what the hell is this?

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Luchalma Lingo: He Clickin'

He Clickin'

An action a game enemy (esp. a boss) takes before attacking.

"He clickin', he clickin'! Move!!!"


In the Monster Hunter series of video games, it's important to recognize and memorize your enemies' attack patterns. If you do not, you will die, quickly and often. An early enemy in Monster Hunter Tri, the weak ass Qurupeco, has a pretty obvious tell. He has flint-like parts on his wings...

 ...and he clicks them together, creating sparks. At this point, you yell "He clickin'!" and get the fuck out of the way. Ignore this warning and this happens.

 He fucks up your shit good.

Applied broadly, this is the little move any enemy does that broadcasts to the world "PEOPLE OF EARTH OR WHEREVER THE HELL THIS GAME TAKES PLACE, I AM GOING TO DO A PUNCH RIGHT NOW!! DO NOT ATTEMPT TO COUNTER ME PLEASE!" This of course is followed by a quick counter.

A real world example. Don't counter this guy though.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Don't Call it a Review - Minecraft (Xbox360)

So. Minecraft.

Released a week ago for Xbox Live Arcade, I've put in enough hours to formulate an opinion, if not a clear one. Despite the fact that it looks like a PS1 game, my crappy ass laptop couldn't handle it, so now I can see what all the fuss is about.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Retroulette #14: Zaxxon's Motherbase 2000

Today's game is a little shoot 'em up for the Sega 32X knows as Zaxxon's Motherbase 2000. I must have missed the first 1999 (hahahaha ugh). This game looks and sounds pretty good. But let me tell you folks.

I hate this game.

I hate it so bad.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Robotic Buzzkill Episode 001: Andrew the Android

The war with the robots is a terrible and frightening one. I fight them with video game reviews, but others have...their own ways. Here we highlight one man's quest to best the machines.

Is it typing? Yes. It appears as though I have mastered this technologic device. Hello. My name is Jamirus! I am a follower of "Beware the Robot Squad". I am delighted to find another human that was as knee shakingly terrified of robots as myself.

Technology hates me, and I am terrified of it. Nearly everything I touch doesn't work or explodes. Much like Harry Dresden, but without all of the magic... and cool stuff.
I decide to take my battle with technology to the internet! It is then, at this point, the enjoyment ends, and the horrors begin. Please, join me on the most terrifying chat of any human's life.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Retroulette SPECIAL : Wolfenstein 3D

Today is a special episode of Retroulette. It's just a normal episode, the only difference being this game wasn't picked at random. Yes, I intentionally picked this game. Wolfenstien 3D was released 20 years ago and I've never really played it before.

Ok, yes, I'm a week late for the birthday.

And ok, I'm playing the SNES version, which is not 20 years old and also probably worse.

But let's not let those little details get in the way of a good time, baby.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

What Do You Get For the Hero That Has Everything?

Therapy. As I've mentioned before, I have a little problem when it comes to games. WRPGs in particular.


I'm a digital hoarder.

Yes, it's true. Recently I started playing Skyrim for the first time (yes, really!) and very quickly I encountered a familiar scenario.

You are carrying too much to be able to run.

Why?! Why does this always happen?

Monday, May 7, 2012

Beware the Robot Squad Anniversary Extravaganza

Wow, who thought we'd ever reach this landmark? Today marks the one month anniversary of Beware the Robot Squad, and so far we've still avoided those mechanical bastards.

When I started this blog, I thought to myself  "Golly, there's nowhere on the whole internet where people say snarky things about videogames!" So, being the pioneer that I am, I created this blog, that statistically you are reading at this very second.

Let us bring down the lights and look back at some of BRTS' memorable moments of the last 30 days.

Haha my very first post. This one really brings back memories. I was so different then.

And who could forget this instant classic.


An exemplary post.


Ok we're done!

There were some ups and downs over these last few weeks. But we came out the other side stronger. As we raise our glasses to Beware the Robot Squad, let us wish it many more days of success. And I'll see you in another month!

(Editor's note: No you won't)

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Retroulette #13: The Jetsons: Cogswell's Caper

To cleanse my palate of that horrifying Barbie game, I was given the extra manly The Jetsons: Cogswell's Caper for the Nintendo Entertainment System.

This game...

Saturday, May 5, 2012

You've clearly put a lot of thought into this. (Comic)

This is based on a real conversation. Recently I got the Walking Dead game and it reminded me of the time I tried to read the comic, and how I would roll my eyes at the more heavy handed, preachy dialog.

To see it full size, open it in a new tab.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

To Achieve or not to Achieve

I've come to a sad realization recently. Allow me to explain.

There's a game on Steam that looks really cool by the name of Dustforce. This game is currently on sale for $5. After looking at videos and reviews of the game I was convinced this was a game I would enjoy, and that I should purchase it. But before buying it I looked to see if there were any Achievements. This is what I saw:

One Achievement. And one that almost nobody has. It might as well not have any at all.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Retroulette #12: Barbie Game Girl

Damn it I knew this day would come. Play enough games at random and you're going to play a Barbie game eventually. But I didn't think it would be so soon. I thought I had time!


Today's game is Barbie Game Girl, for the Nintendo Game Boy (clever eh?)