Retroulette SPECIAL : Wolfenstein 3D

Today is a special episode of Retroulette. It's just a normal episode, the only difference being this game wasn't picked at random. Yes, I intentionally picked this game. Wolfenstien 3D was released 20 years ago and I've never really played it before.

Ok, yes, I'm a week late for the birthday.

And ok, I'm playing the SNES version, which is not 20 years old and also probably worse.

But let's not let those little details get in the way of a good time, baby.

The game opens with a badass picture of a dude with an impossibly tiny head and an impossibly large gun shooting his way through a wall.

He's a goddamned sexual Tyrannosaurus,

You just know there was a door like 5 feet off screen, but Sgt. Sweatpants thought "Fuck that, me didn't bring big gun for nothing."
I get to the menu screen and change a few options.

I've never played this game, but I ain't playing it on some pussy difficulty.

Also there's a mouse option., and you can change it to mouse right or mouse left. I don't know what the hell that means, but if I wanted to play Wolfenstein with a mouse, I'd be playing Wolfenstein for the PC already. Next I get some mission briefings from the President.

"Haha, Mr. President. There's two dogs humping outside."

My mission, to infiltrate Germany the Master State to stop the evil Hitler Staatmeister. But first, I have to eliminate Hans Grosse, his top enforcer, and his "crack forces".

This is going to be a piece of cake.

I begin my adventure inside some blue castle. I can't look up or down, but that's typical of FPS games before they got good. I open a door right in front of me and boom, some blur of pixels starts shooting at me.

Seen here, casually walking at me.

 Look at those eyes. He's very clearly a wight reanimated by the White Walkers. So early on, this game is hitting me with some twists. I blast his ass back to the seven hells where he belongs. Also, look at this shifty eyed bastard.

He's clearly hiding something. And I intend to find out what.

I make my way through this maze of a castle, killing wights and other baddies along the way. Including, naturally, giant mutant attack rats.

And evil suits of armor.

Now, that suit of armor never moved, or did anything but sit there. But I played Resident Evil 4, I know he's just waiting so I fire at him for awhile.

I pick up golden chalice, adding to my ITEM count. But more than likely this just adds to my Score, which if you've read any Retroulette at this point you know I give absolutely zero shits about.

Later in the level I get shot so many times my true identity is revealed. They literally shot the secret right out of me. B.J. Blazkowicz is a fucking vampire.

"You'll need silver bullets to kill me! Wait, is that werewolves? Shit, I'm probably a little bit of that too."

Beej is clearly just trying to reclaim the castle that was once his before the Master State army kicked him out. Damn, I just figured out the whole plot on the first level. I'm sort of a shitty vampire though, because I'm pretty far from immortal.I eventually make my way to an elavtor though, and it's level complete.

Nooooooo I could have gotten  more points.

The next level takes place on what I call the "wooden floor" of the castle. This floor is pretty tacky. As a matter of fact, these whole levels are fucking ridiculous. What use is a castle that's 95% hallways? And even if you find a room, it's usually empty, with a picture hanging on the wall. And there's like 2 or 3 paintings that are freaking everywhere. I mean, just look at this.

I couldn't even fit them all on screen!

There will be entire hallways dedicated to this picture, and others like it. The layout of this castle is just random rooms with lamps and tables placed wherever and those pictures every few feet.

"I like de birdie on dis one. I'll take ten thousant."

This level kicks my ass a little bit, but I beat it. The next level is the "Red Brick" level. It's a pretty small level. I find some awesome big ass gun in a room, with ammo and health all over.

B.J seems pretty pleased.

"I'm going to kick ass all up and down these levels now! I think I just found a cheat!" I think. I take my new gun and open a door and--

This guy fucking obliterates me. That gun didn't do shit. So I'm dead. That guy looks familiar though....

His family has a long history of fighting the undead.

But I retry, because like I said earlier, I'm no pussy. I kill him this time. And that's the end of the level. Time for a new mission from zombie Roosevelt.

"What's a six letter word for the walking dead?"

Now, it turns out the Master State is building Chemical Weapons in clear violation of the Convention. I have to go to Castle Erlangen and defeat the Head of the Elite Guard, Trans Grosse. I Shall Do My Best.

This level is pretty easy, a little killin' here, a little pickin' up pointless treasure there, batta bing batta boom, done. Easy.

I'm going to beat this bitch.

The next level I die a lot and get a game over. I quit. But before I quit, let me leave you with this image.

Take it all in.

This game kicks so much ass.

HOW MUCH DID THE COVER ART LIE?

Who the hell is that guy?  Can you duel wield in this game? Are there grenades in there?

We may never know the truth.

This game is old as hell, but it's surprisingly still really fun. If my pride would allow me to play on any difficulty lower than Hard, I may have played the whole thing.