Monday, April 9, 2012

Retroulette #4: Mechanized Attack

The game the Randombot 3000 gave me this time is called Mechanized Attack for the NES, or MECHANIZED ATTACK as the title screen would have you believe. The first thing I notice is that it's made by SNK, so this has a chance of being pretty good. The second thing I notice is the "PULL THE TRIGGER" demand. As I'm using a controller, I already know I'm screwed. If this game is any harder than a color blind test, slowly jerking my cursor around with a D-pad is only going to lead to a series of quick deaths.

You pull the trigger SNK, I'm as good as dead anyway.

Upon starting the game I'm given my super secret objectives. In this case "ADVANCE TO THE NEXT STAGE!" and with some well wishing I'm thrown into the fight.

Yeah, thanks lads.

I begin the stage staring at open ocean, when suddenly what appears to be a gang of mermaids appears.

Kill them!!!

But these are no mermaids, cats and kittens. Soon they cast aside their disguises and begin firing at me.  I of course blast them away after lazily trudging my cursor over to them.

Instantly changing your clothes won't fool me.

Next a series of bizarre flying circle drones fly in and start shooting at me. And th--hang on. These things look familiar....

Seriously, what is this?

These jerks have been trying to take me down since Mega Man.

They're luckily still really bad at it though.

I don't know why all these enemies want to stop my noble goal of ADVANCE TO NEXT STAGE but like hell if I'm going to let them. Some boats charge right at me, and since I don't destroy them, presumably they crash into whatever it is I'm standing on. After that I kill a few scuba divers with guns and then-WHAT THE HELL- a fully armed Battleship!? I'm one dude with no real mission and a handgun in the middle of the ocean. This is overkill I think.

"Next stage? Not on my watch!"
I keep firing away, and my ammo counter keeps going down, but it never runs out. Every time the counter reaches the end it goes right back to being full with no delay. So, it's just there to take up space I guess. At the end of the battleship is a helicopter, which serves as the boss of this level. It's faster than the rest of the enemies, so I have a bit of trouble convincing my cursor to keep up with it, but I blow it up.

Ok, maybe that was just a prologue stage. It was just setting things up for the real game. Providing a little back story. Now I'll find out what my motivation is.

Or, you know, that.

The next stage has me waking up on the beach of some island. Already I'm under attack as some
army guys start shooting at me and throwing knives. I easily kill them and-

Come with me if you want to diiiiiieeeee.

You can't just change the rules like that SNK! Is that why everyone is trying to kill me? AM I SARAH CONNOR!? Doesn't matter. They easily do.

Eaten by a giant Venus Flytrap. Terrible way to go.

This game seemed alright enough. I imagine it would be more fun with a light gun.

Hey.....Mechanized Attack. It all makes sense now!


"Get him! He's trying to ADVANCE TO NEXT STAGE!"
Unfortunately I didn't get very far, so I can neither confirm or deny the existence of UFO's and Transformer robot trains in this game. If it is accurate though, this is probably the best game ever.

I knew it.


1 comment:

  1. Somehow I had never heard of this game.. Well, it actually looks fun! In any case I liked the review -especially the story objectives.