Monday, April 30, 2012

Retroulette #11: Renegade

This time, the Picker machine spit out a long piece of paper that just said "Renegade. Sega Master System." followed by a long series of expletives I shan't repeat here.

Yes, today's game is known only as Renegade. Why, this game could be about anything. Am I playing as a tough but fair Lorenzo Lamas hunting outlaws?

In a just world, this would exist.
 No. It's a beat 'em up.

The game starts with a clip of some guy riding a motorcycle, and only after playing it can I tell you this has nothing to do with the actual game. Who the hell is this guy?

"I was a cop, and good at my job but I committed the ultimate sin and testified against other cops gone bad. Cops that tried to kill me but got the woman I loved instead. Framed for murder, now I prowl the badlands, an outlaw hunting outlaws, a bounty hunter, a RENEGADE."
There's also absolutely no sound during this very long sequence so I thought my TV was broken. After what seems like half an hour he drives by some graffiti that reads Renegade.

Really man? That's the payoff for all that shit? I already knew the game was called Renegade dumbass.

So I start the game and-holy shit I'm dead.

Seriously, with no warning or set up I'm just in a fight. The game decides instead of a tutorial I'll just go through gang initiation. I'm surrounded by three guys and they just kick my ass. I try to learn the controls on the fly but for the 10 seconds it takes me to die I can't figure this shit out. I press a button and I kick behind me when I'm getting hit in the face, and when I press a direction on the Dpad instead of facing that direction I moon walk that way. It takes three deaths before I realize the 1 button attacks to the left and the 2 button attacks to the right. It seems obvious and simple, but when you start the game being punched in the face you don't have time to experiment.

Also, I'm playing as some Freddie Mercury/Hitler guy in a yellow jump suit.

I don't know why the hell these guys want to fight me, but I can almost guarantee my girlfriend was kidnapped.

Every time I die these assholes throw me in a dumpster. This happens like five times before I leave this first screen.

This, but over and over again.

I think to myself "Maybe I can just avoid them and jump off the platform". Yeah, that's the dumbest idea ever. It's instant death. I eventually ballet kick my way through this swarm of enemies and go inside the subway train. In here there's some more Glasses Gang members and by now I've mastered all two buttons of input so I only die a little bit. After the train ride is over I get out on the exact same platform I started out on. And also, surprise! I'm being kicked in the nuts by a gay looking genie before I even realize he's there.

Subway greeters: A little different than Walmart's.

This guy punches me a few times and I think "Oh shit, this guy is going to be tough". But I get him in front of the edge of the platform and punch him off it and he dies instantly.

You got knocked the fuck out.
After that, I see this crap.

Bitch, I knocked you out in one punch.

The next level is at some harbor and now I'm fighting giant mow-hawked toddlers in neon green sweatpants. It's here I learn a new move messing with the controls. If I double tap a direction and punch, I can do a running charging attack. Unfortunately I learn this while running straight into the water, leading to an instant death.

Oh cool a new mov-SHIT

I try again and slap all these dudes to death. All of a sudden some guy on a motorcycle comes out. He just charges you over and over again. I try to punch him as he drives by but I just get run over. I try to stand in front of the water and move at the last second but he's not that stupid. Nothing seems to work and I get a game over.

Hitler Puuuuuuuuunnnncchhhhh!

I'm fully invested in this game's rich story by this point so I can't just leave now. I do all that shit over again and get to the motorcycle guy again. Messing with the controls again I learn if I press both buttons at the same time I do a jump kick.  With that, I easily Van Damme that guy off his bike.  I think to myself "Oh, this move will be very helpful." It's not ever helpful ever again. Any other enemy block this move easily. Then another motorcycle guy comes and I do the same thing, and so on and so forth until I kick the last guy and take his bike.

The next level is pretty rad. It's a side scrolling Road Rash style stage. Guys keep coming up and trying to kick me off my bike and I try to do the same. It seems entirely random whether or not I kick a guy off with every kick though. Some guys I kick off in one kick, some I just kick forever until I die. But I still maintain this level is pretty rad.

Yep. Rad.

I get to the boss of this level and he immediately kicks my ass hard. He gets me in the corner of the stage and Smith Hands the ever loving shit out of me. And there's no platform to punch him off of so I'm screwed. I die on this jerk a few times before I have an idea. I use my dash punch on him and it hits him every time. So this boss becomes laughably easy as I just Smith hand him and Beouf him at the same time.

He's a dick, but that's a sweet ride.

The next level starts with me punching some women. Game! I need some freaking segues here! I don't know why I'm all of a sudden in Chinatown beating up an entire clan of Chun-Li's but they leave me no choice.

After this one screen it's boss time already. This boss is...well.....just look.

I have nothing to add.
The same tactic from the last boss work on this one and I beat her him it without taking any damage.

The next level is some military compound, and the enemies are tough looking customers in lime green tiger striped pants and red berets.

These guys look more likely to break out in song than start a rumble.
After dealing with them I go inside and punch some dudes. Then I go through a door and punch more dudes. Then I go outside and punch the same dudes I already punched. Then I go back inside and punch the same guys from before. This level appears to be some kind of labyrinth that I lack the patience to solve. Eventually I come into a room with TWO of the genie bosses from before. Even my mighty dash punch doesn't help me here and I die and get a game over.

Now I'll never get my girlfriend back.


All of them! All the lies! Who the hell are any of these guys? Since when was Frank Stallone in this game? Why is that guy in the yellow vest kicking that fat guy in the balls? Just like in the game though there's no context for anything so I guess it gets points for that.

This game is actually quite fun. If you dig your Double Dragons's and your River City Ransoms you could do worse than give this game a shot.