Retroulette #18: Power Piggs of the Dark Age

You can tell this game isn’t going to be good. Two words into reading the title and I was certain of that fact. When you’re at the point you are using two g’s for “pig” by definition whatever it is you’re naming will suck. But never let it be said that I don’t give these games a chance. I’ve not rejected the idea that this game could wholly surprise me.

But ask yourself this. Do you really think it does?

First off, we’ve got this screen.

That’s a good sign, right? That means it’s not so bad Nintendo took one look at it and said “Fuck this game. You take it to Sega.”

The next screen however…

That looks familiar….

Where have I seen that logo before…

That…..does not bode well for Power Piggs of the Dark Age.

And so you have no doubts about what kinds of piggs these are, the next screen sums up this game pretty well.

Yep, we’ve got a mascot with attitude on our hands. He lazily tosses a donut with a look on his face that says “Save the world? Shit man, I’ve got plans to kick some hacky sack with T-bone and Buster.” He makes Radical Rex look like freaking Mario. And just in case you missed it, the developer is named Radical Entertainment. We’re in real danger of overloading on coolness here.

The next screen is our first (and only, as far as I seen) good look at the Power Piggs.

We’ve got the busty pig rouge lass, the portly pig warrior gent, and the wise pig wizard fellow. That covers all the bases for adventure. Let us see on what kind of epic quest this trio of stalwart swines embarks.

You notice a theme of using donuts for ‘O’s’. The game thinks that’s clever as hell.

That’s the entirety of the set up for this game. Shit man, even Barbie Game Girl gave us more of a motivation than that. With nothing more than the title of the level, I’m off to….do something. You begin the game in a town, and just so you know what kind of game we’re dealing with, this is the first thing you see.

Hehehe. The game said “butt”.

Butts? That’s hilarious. Burping? Shit’s gold. Farting? You’re not even reading this right now because you’re on the floor laughing.

…

Welcome back.

Inside that box is a donut, which are weapons in this game, such as deadly throwing donuts and donut bombs. Donuts are also your health. Donuts are everything in this game.

After that I am attacked by the first enemy, Sly Cooper. He hits me with an arrow, so I turn him into a cloud of smoke.

If I didn’t kill him, the Physics Police would have gotten him anyway.

After that is an air vent that pushes you up. It’s here that a major problem becomes apparent. I’m utterly repulsed by this fucking pig. Every animation is accompanied by a jiggling of fat, and the breast shaking would make even Tomonobu Itagaki envious. Of course, floppin’ boobs lose much of their appeal when they are attached to a fat sweaty pig man.

It doesn’t come across so well in pictures, but believe me, his torso always looks like a tsunami.

After the ride up the air vent, we encounter our next foe: A….what the shit?

My, what big….actually I don’t know what I’m looking at here.

So, that tranny wolf thing shoots fireballs out of whatever that thing it’s holding is. It hits me a few times, but I kill it and after I do it drops a tasty donut treat. After that I run into this guy:

A classic case of reverse Beoufing.

 He is the worst enemy ever. If you hit the attack button at any time he’s on the screen, he dies.

So the whole level is pretty much those three enemies, with some moving platforms once in a while, the air vents, and some spikes. It’s not terrible, it’s just very uninspired level design.  And the level is far too long, with checkpoints spaced too far apart. Toward the end there’s just a freaking onslaught of enemies.

And once again, the Worst Enemy Ever lives up to its name.

After getting through the gauntlet of enemies, I have one hit left. The end is in sight though! I’m almost there! I just have to get past this guy:

It does not go well!

But on my third try, I button mash the attack button so fast he has no choice but to explode. After I kill him, the pig butt bounces himself into space.

Ok.

I made that level my bitch.

The next level is call “West Blowhole Forest”, although you have to imagine all of the O’s are donuts. This level….there’s not much to say about it. It’s a swamp with those air vents (or blowholes I guess) everywhere.  There is one new enemy, but it’s just a lame-ass rat. The only interesting this about this level is at the end a giant wooden wolf head flies around and shoots fireballs out of its eyes.

What you’re supposed to do is throw donuts at him until he dies. But he flies all over the place and I’m constantly falling and rising because of the blowholes, so he hams me pretty quick. And then he does it again. And again.

Oh no! Just as I was starting to like this game! Well shucks.

I could not hit the power button fast enough.

HOW MUCH DID THE COVER ART LIE?

 

In its defense, this is one of the more honest covers I've ever seen. One look at this and you can say "Yeah, this game looks stupid as shit." You didn't need to have your parents rent it and then find out "Hey! This isn't the game about stupid looking piggs I expected!"

And with the power of hindsight, we can just see that Titus logo and throw it in the garbage can.

 

This game is not bad. Even worse, it’s boring. I didn’t even have fun making fun of it. It’s emblematic of the flood of derivative 2D platformers that plagued the early 90s. It’s so dull in fact, it doesn’t even get a fun rating.

Arial font, even.