Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Retroulette #24: The MisAdventures of Flink

Ok. This game has a stupid name. But some games with unfortunately stupid names are actually really great. Take Power Piggs of the Dark Age.



Seriously. Take it, I don't want it in my house anymore.



And with that old joke we set course.....for misadventure!








First of all, we see this logo screen.



For those that don't know, Psygnosis is the developer of many fine games, most famously the fantastic Wipeout series of racing games. So this is a good sign.

Next we have our first look at Mr. Flink himself.

Yeah, he's a little derpy.

There's not much in the way of options or anything so I start the game. There's a long shot of a cloud moving over the land.

"Looks like a storm's a brewin' Martha."

This is actually the world map. It's got a little Mario 3 style map where you move your little character around and pick a level. It looks pretty linear, and therefor pointless, but I never make it far enough to know for sure (that's called foreshadowing folks).

So, first stage. This is what I see.



There's lil' Flink, and some dwarf guy. This is what happens not three seconds later.



I've played a platformer or two in my day. I know how to jump on enemies. And before you think "Maybe you don't jump on enemies in this game, maybe you shoot them or something".
No, you're wrong hypothetical man. You absolutely jump on enemies in this game. I just horribly misjudged that jump because Flink moves like he's in fucking molasses. He is, without exaggeration, the slowest game character I've ever played.

This is a moving Gif of him walking. No, your eyes aren't deceiving you.

To achieve the same speed in another game, you would have to take a video of Sonic, and slow it down by 75%.

And not even Sonic running. His fucking idle animation.

This picture? Still faster than that piece of shit Flink.


This is ridiculous. After moving forward for a few seconds he gains some measure of momentum but even at full speed Jabba the Hutt would zoom past this idiot.

I manage to trudge my way forward somehow.

After jumping on a bad guy they don't die. They just get dizzy. You have to jump on them again to kill them.

Bullshit.

How odd. After seeing him move I would have guessed Flink weighed 20 tons.

After stepping on another guy he drops some leaves, and of course that's useless to me. And I find a treasure chest with a feather in it, also useless.

Next I encounter a leafy jump pad. Once again Flink ruins me with his slow, shitty jumps.


So, that happens a few time, until:

It's going to take all 8 seconds just to make it over there.


I of course try again, because I ain't no quitter. On my next try I find a treasure chest with a vial of magic goo in it. When I then notice that, yeah, I have a magic meter.


Not that it does me any good. I can't seem to figure out how to use any magic. And it would probably take Flink an hour to cast a spell anyway.

Further ahead is some armadillo like monsters that spit fire.


And they can croon like nobodies business.

This is only worth mentioning because when you step on them, they explode. With limbs and body parts flying everywhere. It's pretty badass.

At the end of the level is a stone finger shooting red lightening into the sky. This is because of reasons, no doubt, but the game of course doesn't give any.



The next level begins with a vine hanging down as the only way to move forward, and it takes me a few more seconds than it should to figure out how to get on it. You have to press a button when you're near it to grab on, because everything in this game takes one more step than it should.

Step 1: Press button to initiate jump sequence. Step 2: Press more buttons to maintain jump velocity. Step 3: Uh oh, you missed the vine, Please press the button to initiate the landing sequence.

After that there's a gorilla, and you have to jump on his....what the hell....

It seems Flink is enjoying himself.

I mean, presumably that's supposed to be his tail, but it's not coming from the back of that guy. And he just keeps doing it to other gorillas.


A few uninteresting levels later and OH SHIT it's a scrolling level. You know those levels that you hate where the camera moves forward without you? Try playing one of those where the level scrolls faster than your fat-ass character can move.

Though it's always nice to see those dragons from Space Harrier getting more work.

A few more levels later (and you are missing nothing interesting, I assure you) I die unceremoniously and get a game over.

I can't force myself to continue.

HOW MUCH DID THE COVER ART LIE?

 


It appears to be a picture of Flink brewing up a potion or some shit. I never managed to figure out how to do that, but I guess that's what all the feathers and leaves were for. It's a shame Psygnosis ran with the "Boy Wizard" idea a few years before that became one of the most profitable ideas ever.


2 comments:

  1. Gorilla With BasketJuly 9, 2012 at 10:41 PM

    Wow the graphics look pretty awesome. And I think that I chuckled every time I read "Flink"

    ReplyDelete