Saturday, June 2, 2012

Retroulette #19: The Ottifants

Today I was told to play The Ottifants, for the Mega Drive. I say Mega Drive and not the more correct and sexier sounding Genesis because this game is European as shit. Initially I was very excited to play it, but only because I expected something entirely different based on the title.

However, reality always has a way of knocking my fantasies to the ground and kicking the shit out of them until they conform to the boringness reality has such a hard on for.

First of all, this is an Ottifant.

It's a dumb looking sort of elephant thing wearing a diaper. So I wasn't too far off.
It goes to the other side of the screen and sucks the Sega logo into its trunk.  Next we have the intro movie, except it's just a still image. It's by far the best thing about this game though.

Well, hopefully I play as that fiery wolf demon thing. I'll even take the superhero gleefully flying into the maelstrom of flames. But of course this game has other ideas. I'm obviously forced to play as that stupid baby monster running away from everything interesting in this image.

So let's get started. The game doesn't have any story or set up. We begin our game in "The" House.
In the beautiful town of Floating Pleasantville.

Whose house? We don't know. It obviously doesn't belong to the Ottifants, because the house is normal sized, and Ottifants are apparently very tiny. We start in some kid's bedroom.

This level is instantly very confusing to me. It's very hard to tell what pieces of the level are walls, what pieces you can jump on, what pieces are in the foreground or the far background. Many times did I get stuck in a level only to realize that what I assumed was a wall blocking my path was just decoration and I could walk right through it.

So, scattered around the levels are what I guess is supposed to be even tinier candy Ottifants. And you have to collect these of course, because every game was required to have collectibles and a score counter in those days.

Not 5 seconds into the level and I already get stuck a little bit. There's these two gummy Ottifants that I can't get no matter how hard I try.

Bullshit! My hair is touching that one! IT COUNTS.

I'm trying to get these little bastards for a long time. I keep trying to discover some kind of double jump or high jump but this tubby-ass mutant can't do anything. They are always just out of reach. I'm here so long the game has to tell me "Just go fucking that way already!"

Go right? In a platformer!? Whatever you say game.

 It's then that I realize "Wait a second, I don't give a shit about these stupid pieces of candy!"

Continuing on. Right after those candies is a button. When you press it this happens.

A block falls down. Great. Awesome. What the hell good does that do me? Well, remember when the Ottifant sucked up the Sega logo? Probably not, because I only described it to you and didn't show you. Well if you hold down the B button the little Ottiot sucks things up. So I suck up that little block. Even better, he can blow things out. So  I use that block as the little bit of height I need to get my candy.

After that I encounter the first enemy, the tiniest robot toy ever made.

Even ants could kick his ass. He might as well not even exist.
Because I'm dumb, I assume the only way to kill enemies is to spit blocks at them. It does in fact work though. What I learn after a few minutes is that if you just press the B button (and not hold it down to suck) you spit little balls everywhere.

You're dead to me block, I've got balls now!

They are infinite and kill everything in front of you. There's no reason not to be doing it. After I learn that I spend the rest of the level spitting out more balls than Justin Bieber, but that's only because he never spits them out.

After some more boring platforming I reach some other Ottifant thing and that apparently signals the end of the level. So what exciting adventures does the next level hold!? I'm excited to find out!

No! No! I already did this shit. This is the same exact fucking stuff! Who do you think you are, Sonic? 1 level, 1 stage. This bedroom crap is played out.

Yeah, there's nothing to say about this stage. It's the same damn level, just more of it. After I beat it I can't stand this kid's stupid bedroom. Pick up your stupid fucking toys you dumbass kid. I'm trying to get the hell out of your room and I have to climb all over your retarded shit. Well, at least I'm done with tha--

Oh GOD DAMN IT. How big is this fucking room!? This level is the same as the last two, except this one has the added bonus of being really confusing. Right at the end of the level you come to a dead end. Look around all you want, there's no way past it. After half an hour of looking however, you will find a switch hidden inside of a wall that you will of course not have known that you could phase through. So to find that wall you just have to walk into every wall.

And every time you do, this douchebag gives you a look that says "You shittin' me bro?"
After you press the switch, a floating platform appears that takes you up to the Ottifant end thing. But even there I get stuck. I touch the thing like I did the last two times, jump all over it, walk into it, nothing happens. I made sweet love to that damn Ottifant and the level won't end. It turns out that that percentage at the top of the screen dictates whether you beat the level or not.

You have to collect 50% or more of those stupid candies to pass the level. So now I have to find more candies. While doing so I somehow get warped to a secret room.

And also his name is Bruno. Of course it is.

I don't know why anybody would hide this room, it's pretty badass. There's  candies everywhere and you have to collect them all before time runs out.

So I beat that level, I swear to god if I see that--


Ahh, this picture again. Only now do I know the true extent of its lies. With no bedroom in sight I must declare the only thing this cover accurately portrays is how much Bruno sucks.


  1. What the fuck is an ottifant??!

    1. It's an elephant in a nappy, duh. Probably.