Saturday, January 4, 2014

Letter From The Jungle: Kult - Heretic Kingdoms (The Inquisition)



To whom it may concern!

PANGA PANGA PANGA PANAG  PANGA HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!
PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEACH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

 PEACH PEACH PEACH YAGA YAGA!!!!  

MEOW!!
YEAH!! 


Let's get this show on the road!   Haven't talked to you in a while but I gu
CHA CHA CHA CHA!!!!!!!! CHAAAAAAAAAAA CHA CHACHAHAHA!!!!

Ok...niceties over now, let's get this show on the road baby!!!!!!!!!  Today I'm writing to you about that game we played called Kult: The Inquisition: The Kingdoms: The Punctuation:  The COLON: THE YAYAYAYAYAYAYA!!    YEAH HAHAHA!!!!

YAYAYAYAYAYA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   





Yes..... I am not writing to you about a beat-em-up today.... but we've played many of this type of game together... this ARPG, I guess they call them.  What I know is this genre, is that it's basically the beat-em-up games, but basically the ARPG version of it.  This one is the one that we heard good things about it's story.   I will tell you about some of the places I visited!  Let's give it a whack!!

I moved forward in that cathedral that we started on.  There was no option to pick a class, and I'm sure you remember that we play as this female character who likes to be "snarky" and such... she's so "edgy", oh she's so "no-nonsense". 


".... I'm sorry?"


That guy at the end of the cathedral threw a lot of story/lore at me all at once... I just had a hard time following it, but I'm sure that I will slowly grasp it as the game progresses.   

Oh yeah, the Scarred Rebellion.  Uh huh. Right, Theo Huxtable.  Got it. *hits skip*



I just left the cathedral and went about strategically clicking my enemies to death... this game apparently lets you switch into the "dreamworld", which is a blue version of wherever you are, filled with different enemies than the current reality.  So when I was fighting someone in reality, I hit "D", and often those same enemies would disappear, but I would encounter new enemies in the dreamworld.  I'm not a huge fan of that feature so far.

Ended up in a town, gathered quests, and headed out to a forest.  It rained when I was there, and I also found some gear.  


I chose to go with light armor.... the game doesn't give you a class to choose in the beginning, but you build her the way you want, with the game's stats.  *pats stomach and puts contractor voice* You see you got your basic stats here.. Melee, Ranged, Magic, Speed... your basic RPG stuff, nothing too crazy.  Started making mine a combo of heavy armor and magic, and like most things, it's not working out very well for me.  Well, I got to the end of this little forest area, and ended up finding this talking tree:
  

A few areas, quests, and game lore later, I ended up in a canyon.  I ended up talking to a tribe of wolf men, who were being hunted for their skins.  One thing I like about this game is that it rewards you for trying weapons which you normally wouldn't care for.  It does this by giving you perks that you unlock by using a weapon for a long enough time.  Well, I moved forward through the canyon.


Day turned into night, and I again caught up with this wolf tribe.

Fuck it's good to see you.   Hey, hey you eat anyone today?  These other guys keep bombarding me with history that I don't understa....    What?  *sigh*  *leaves*


I reached the next camp and Alita is starting to get geared up and looking badass.  

Unfortunately Alita is still annoying:

I found myself hoping the NPC's would say  "...Ah, shut the fuck up"


I passed through a brigand camp.  By now my brilliant idea to have a hybrid character has been a complete disaster.  I use magic, and have no reason to use any of the melee that I built up, because magic is much more powerful.  I wasted points and fuck you as well.




I set off with this  bla bla bla... and ah, fuck you.

I had nightmares about getting abandoned in a very similar place when I was a child.  




I got to the next town.  No.... please.... don't, no that's enough.... 

AH FUCK OFF, I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS SHIT



YOU.... FUCK YOU!!!!!





AH YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH



NO, I DON'T FUCKING CARE


AH CHRIST I ALREADY POSTED THAT ONE, FUCK THIS DAMNED GAME



*kicks exercise ball*

*pulls down pants* 

*runs to sink and splashes cold water on face*

AH THE HELL WITH THIS

*runs outside and dives in snow*

*makes snow angels*

*kicks basketball*

FUCK YOU!   FUCK YOU!

*runs inside and scratches wall repeatedly*


*runs bathwater*

*throws Hot Wheels in bath tub*

*cries and eat chocolate ice cream*


15 comments:

  1. One Gorilla vs an entire pack of wolves. Doesn't seem like a fair fight. If that snow outside was yellow you could snowball them with that.

    I like the idea of the weapons rewarding you, like you stated. I also like that the game lets you figure out what you want to be as you go along rather than forcing you to make a class at the beginning. Very cool feature.

    Smooth article mate.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. >>One Gorilla vs an entire pack of wolves. Doesn't seem like a fair fight.<<

      It's usually the case because a gorilla can stand alone, those dirty wolves won't attack unless they're in groups. Thanks for reading this article,

      The game started off solid, but it just wasn't one that I can appreciate, so I will stop it here... move onto Divine Divinity for the next game like this, I'm guessing. Grim Dawn looks fantastic, but I am waiting for it to go on sale.

      Delete
    2. I read all your articles. *stares in through window creepily*

      :D

      Sales are always good. You should add that to build a budget 4, the hottest game on Steam.

      Delete
    3. I have this one called You Need A Budget. I found a way to use it off of STEAM, because I was being made fun of for using it by nair-do-wells on my friend list. I use the program, I just don't follow it, and I also lie to it. I feel like it would uninstall itself out of anger if it knew the real me.

      Delete
    4. So you need a budget needs itself a copy of "You need anger management" and "You need to learn to handle the truth because you can't handle it"

      *jots down*

      Delete
  2. Good read, man. Definitely dig the outburst at the end.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Good read!!!

    The game sounds fun!

    But it does look a little too sexy... How would you rate it?

    PEGI 18?
    PEGI 21?

    What does PEGI actually mean?

    Why do they say it in a funny voice on TV?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A little sexy, but you end up not noticing the sexy because of your eyes glazing from trying to read the story and not caring. "Yeah? Fucked his sister? Cool I guess.." *dozes off*

      The game is alright, I can't say that I'd recommend it to most people though, because I feel that in this genre there are more solid choices. It's also very choppy, and it didn't create much atmosphere for me. Neither the characters, environments, nor story ended up pulling me in too well.

      I've researched the whole PEGI thing, PEGI is basically the chick who rates each and every one of these games. But some people say it's actually a disheveled Russian male, who pretends to be a woman over the phone.

      Delete
  4. Why is Jesus making out with Ron Keel?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think it was actually Dave Mustaine

      Delete
    2. If Jesus is behind Super Collider we have a lot to fear.

      Delete
  5. "CHAAAAAAAAAAA CHA CHACHAHAHA!!!!"

    I got that far before I couldn't handle all the exposition you were throwing out.

    ReplyDelete
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