Thursday, January 16, 2014

Top Bananas #9 - The Top Ten Potentially Awesome Games of 2014.


Oh no.

Top Bananas is back?

Well... It's been a trying time for the team. You may recall that the last Top Bananas post was months ago. Sorry. So sorry. Things went from bad, to worse, to just plain miserable. Let's start at the very beginning...

On Friday September 27th, 2013 the Top Bananas HQ was attacked. It was a dark day for us all. First, a wave of sex ninjas broke down our shoddy defenses. Then, a swarm of pirate sex bees arrived to tear us apart. Finally, a bunch of sex hipsters came and insulted us (they also sexulted us). It took us 2 weeks to find all the bodies, and to get rid of those pesky sex hipsters. After that, well... No-one was up to the arduous task of writing sarcastic game-related top ten lists. It took a further 2 weeks for us to work up the motivation to leave our smashed up offices. Since then, we've been a wreck. It has taken months of therapy, weeks of heavy drinking, and days of confusion, but we have finally passed that dark day. And now, with the sneaky arrival of 2014, WE'RE BACK!

Merry New Year.
So, what does 2014 have in store for us gamers? More DLC? DRM? ABC? ASS? We shall see. What is known, is that there will be at least ten games released in 2014. And those games are going to be good. Yes, the PS4 and the Xbox 1 exist, and yes, they are both pretty cool. Given that the Top Bananas HQ was destroyed (be quiet, I'm going with it) and that we have been stuck in the desert writing blogs from an old, broken-down camper-van while cooking meth in our underpants, we have yet to purchase either of those fancy new consoles. So, this list will focus only on Xbox 360 and PS3 games (also, there will be no Nintendo games; sorry Nintendo). Unfortunately this means no Witcher 3, D4 and such other awesomeness.

This is the only acceptable reaction to the Witcher 3 being next-gen only.
It should also be mentioned that these are personal picks... From the... Uh... The Team. The Top Bananas Team. Look, I'll level with you. It's just me. The rest of the team. They. T-T-They... They didn't make it. These are personal picks, so some (big) games are excluded: Dark Souls 2 for one. If you are angry about this, I have two options for you:

Option 1:

Option 2: 

Anyway, on with the list. If you were expecting Homefront 2 to be on it, best look away now. Also, I'm not putting Watch Dogs here until it does more than impress an E3 audience (or every E3 audience for the last 10 years).

10. The Evil Within

2014 may well see a resurgence of survival horror, and this looks to be leading the charge. Shinji Mikami is no stranger to survival horror, having worked on the good Resident Evils and Dino Crisis. His return to survival horror is intriguing; it's being published by Bethesda Softworks, which should ensure that it looks pretty, and it follows an interesting premise; the protagonist falls unconscious while investigating some murders. He wakes up and finds that there are monsters everywhere. Therefore, he must survive and figure out what is going on. He must! This is a video game after all; no curling up in a ball and pretending those noises are simply the wind. Here, check this gameplay you smelly gamer, you.

Sexily scary.

9. Atelier Escha and Logy: Alchemists of the Dusk Sky  

I imagine this will be met with either disgust or indifference (like most of my articles), but Atelier Ayesha: Alchemist of Dusk was one of my favourite games of 2013. So, there is no reason that the sequel will be anything other than great. Sure, it's cheesy and more than a little silly, but it offers a lot of freedom in a genre of linearity. It's also a surprisingly deep game, with alchemy especially being very detailed. Numerous playthroughs are required to get the most out of it (it works via timer, somewhat similar to Majora's Mask). All in all, a great game. The sequel appears to have expanded on the depth, offering 2 protagonists to play who will have different effects on events, and different abilities in alchemy. It's already out in Japan, but I don't live there, and chances are you don't either. Here, have some gameplay.

Just pretend the Japanese is English.

8. Destiny

Destiny is a game! That's really all you need to know about it. It's a game. Wait; that's not all you need to know, is it? You need to know more. MOAR! More more more. How do you like it? How do you like it? How do you like it? How do you like it? Well, Destiny is, and I quote "an action role-playing first-person shooter" and thus ticks every single box in the 'what-gamers-these-days-like' pdf spreadsheet document. That quote is from Wikipedia, btw. DON'T EVER ACCUSE ME OF NOT SOURCING MY QUOTES! Here: -> Just go there and read that. It's developed by Bungie and involves shooting things in the face - naturally, it will be awesome.

7. Raven's Cry

Pirates! Who the shit doesn't like pirates? No-one, that's who, and that's also why this game is going to rock your world. It also involves a Scottish protagonist, which makes a nice change from the muscle-bound American hero (or the weedy, nerdy, yet amazingly strong, Japanese boymangirl). Also, I'm Scottish. So. Yep. The gameplay looks solid; it's a sort of mix of role-playing and hack 'n' slash - a darn good mix, if you ask me. Oh? You didn't? Really? Why are you here then? Raven's Cry is being touted as dark, grim and gritty... Hopefully this will be delivered, and isn't just a bunch of stinky sales pap. Not too much is known about this game as yet, but it is a game that everyone should have on their radar; potentially excellent and undoubtedly cool. Here have a trailer:

6. Dying Light

Ah, yes; ZOMBIES! What would a top ten list of games be without at least 1 zombie game? I'll tell you what it would be. It would be balls. Zombies; everyone's favourite drooling, walking, carcasses fully intent on sucking the creativity out of every film, book, game and TV series. Yes, there are a silly amount of zombie games, and yes a large percentage of them suck more dick than Captain Britain.

Homo erectus, indeed.
Gaming is over-saturated with zombies, much like the world would be over-saturated with zombies if there was an actual zombie outbreak (it'll never happen, put your sword-gun away!), but every once in a while a damn good zombie game sneaks out. Dying Light looks to be one of those. It appears to boast a large open-world and focuses on survival more than combat; the triple A answer to State of Decay perhaps, or a Day Z for consoles. Hopefully, this will be delivered and it won't be yet another zombie murder-a-thon. Here, eat this gameplay footage you fuckwad:

5. The Wolf Among Us: Episode 2 etc.

Telltale had an excellent year, last year. So much so that they decided to panic and start 84 different projects incorporating everything popular from 2013. I look forward to their take on Game of Thrones, but will be vastly disappointed if I am unable to solve mysteries with nothing but the power of my medieval cock. Telltale started so many projects that it appeared as if they had forgotten about their current projects, resulting in a rather long delay between episode 1 of The Wolf Among Us and episode 2. It is coming though, and if the first episode is anything to go by, is going to be another cracking series. 

4. Tropico 5

I like nothing more than relaxing of an evening withe a bottle glass of red wine, some relaxing music and a city / world building sim. Tropico 4 was brilliant, in my mind added to the brilliance of Tropico 3, and then some. Weeks of my life were sucked away as I rose, again and again, from humble beginnings to rule as a tyrant. I'm always a tyrant. Tropico brings out levels of cruelty I never knew existed within me. Do you need food, peasant? YES? SEND IN THE MILITARY. END THEM. END THEIR FAMILY. BURN THE HOUSE. BURN THE WHOLE GODDAMN TOWN TO THE GROUND. I DESERVE RESPECT. So, Tropico 5 - it looks good, it looks so good! Everything is reminiscent of the previous entries in the series, but for a few tweaks and additions here and there; most notably the addition of co-op and multiplayer, adding a more strategic focus to an already strategic-as-fuck game. On top of this Tropico 5 seems to have taken notes from Civilisation allowing the player control from colonial times right though to the present day. Looks proper good! Have some screenshots you lucky gamer, you.

3. Metal Gear Solid V

Just what exactly is going on over at Kojima Productions? Is MGSV one game, two games or no games? Why is it being released in pieces? Why is no-one angry at this? Surely, this is one of those things that internet based gaming enthusiasts get angry about for cheap views on their pitiful blogs. It's not? Hmm. I don't really understand gamers. Perhaps I should stop all this larking around online and get a proper job. Yeah. That's it. Good idea, viewers! Gimme a minute...


OK, application done! In 5 - 10 working days I'll find out whether or not I'm eligible to be the next Wonder Woman. 

Anyway, you all know what MGS is all about... Looks cracking!

2. Thief

Oh boy have I missed Thief. One of the absolute giants of stealth fun; Thief is a game that I played to death as a younger and more versatile boychild. I've been waiting years for this! Stealth, thievery, hiding, shadows, murder, stealing, assassinating - what's not to love? I have my reservations, like many of you, years of gaming have hardened my senses and made me an evil, bitter robot who likes to piss and moan about everything he enjoys. I mostly have reservations about the 'focus' mode, which appears to be one of those gameplay decisions that ruins everything by telling you what to do. Yes, I'm sure you could avoid using it. But, I'm also sure you could avoid doing 87% of the things you do. I have little self-control, if the 'focus' button exists, I will press it, and it will tell me the answer to the problem I face, and I will be annoyed, and I will visit some well-known message boards and piss and moan about EVERYTHING. 

Hopefully, that won't happen. Hopefully Thief will be the game I'm waiting for.

1. Dragon Age: Inquisition

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh SHIT! 

Things just got real. 

Dragon Age: Origins is an almost perfect game as far as I'm concerned, and Bioware (despite the insane hate they get) are just beautiful developers. Dragon Age 2 was a massive let down for me; it felt lazy, and although I enjoyed the story (somewhat), I hated the rehashed areas and the lack of freedom. Yet, I have faith in Bioware; they can turn this around and produce another excellent Dragon Age game. So, what excites me? Multiple playable races for one thing - sadly missed in Dragon Age 2. QUNARI are playable! More focus on exploration, large areas to roam around. A more tactical style of combat; seemingly different from both previous iterations, but hopefully more akin to Origins than 2. More customisation options! Also, sadly missing in 2. All in all, it sounds like a beast of a game, but how much is sales-talk and how much we'll actually see remains up in the air. Have faith... There is a high chance that this will be the game to beat in 2014!

WELP... The first 2014 installment of Top Bananas is done. 

It feels good. Hope you enjoyed... And hope you return for the next...





  1. What are your thoughts on The Witch and the Hundred Knight? I thought it looked pretty cool.

    1. Gorilla Wearing TutuJanuary 16, 2014 at 11:20 PM

      Witch & Hero? Yes, it's a solid purchase. It reminded me of Protect Me, Knight. It's games like that where the whole "We're not giving you a manual, anymore, other than the credits" thing really hits home. I spent at least a half an hour trying to find an attack button, not realizing that you "bump" the enemy to attack them, it was a living hell

  2. I think it looks pretty fun, but have to say I hate the idea of the main character being called 'Metallica'... May not play it just for that!

    1. Oh come on, one minor detail that may or may not be a reference to a mediocre band? :P

  3. :D

    Yeah, perhaps I am being a little petty.

    It does look like a fun game!

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

    1. Gorilla Wearing TutuJanuary 16, 2014 at 11:21 PM


    2. Bek Stealing Tutu and Slandering GorillaJanuary 17, 2014 at 12:03 AM


  5. Sorry about the unfortunate accident. I got to say though, you're doing well if it took you 4 months to set up your broken down camper van. I bet you could get a candy bar line up done in 3 hours.

    The Evil Within sees the return of PEGI. As does Raven's Cry.

    Fingers crossed for a good DA game.

    Good article mate.


  7. *skims through list*

    Ahhhhh, why no Witcher 3!?

    *reads the part explaining why no Witcher 3*

    Ahhh, fuck that. The Witcher is always number one!!

    And I wish I had your faith in Bioware. I did.....long the before times...

    1. Luchalma's Love List

      Witcher is always number 1. (Sorry Persona 4, it's a direct quote)

      Best burgers in the world > David Bowie > Babe (Evan) > Gorilla > The Last of Us > Spelunky > The Wiggles > Making fun of Canada > Making fun of France > Bek >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Effy

    2. Bioware are still the top dog!

      Or dogs.

      Maybe cats.

      Fat cats?

      Anyway, they rule... I have faith!

    3. xD Shit. How'd I forget about cats? He loves cats soooo much. ^__^

  8. Gorilla Endorsing Witcher 3January 16, 2014 at 11:14 PM

    Say, Banana, no Witcher 3?

    I'm looking forward to Thief, hopefully it doesn't suck.

    That was the first video I've seen for the new Dragon Age, I wouldn't have guessed it was Dragon Age if I didn't see the title. I liked the first one. Didn't ... didn't play the second one because *whispers* because -he's- watching me... -he- can see what we're typing

    1. Thief will either suck or be one of the best games of the year - hopefully the latter... I'm pretty psyched for it.

  9. Gorilla sucking on two cow udders for double hydrationJanuary 16, 2014 at 11:23 PM

    Say, I would have assisted you as you said, but I couldn't think of any games other than Witcher 3 that were coming out this year.

  10. Replies
    1. I have no idea... Seems like a bit of a dick.

      I... Uh... I may have been messing around with things last night.

    2. *ruining things

      Now your picture doesn't show up under your articles. It's ruined, it's all ruined!!

      Pack it up folks, Robot Squad is closed.

    3. Dick... messing around with "things".

      This is a family site, dammit!