Friday, November 29, 2013

Retroulette #36: Home Improvement

In case you're not totally fresh on your 90's sitcom knowledge, Home Improvement was a show where the guy from The Santa Clause played a retarded TV personality. It was a big hit. So, like anything else with any kind of market awareness, it was developed into a video game.







A running theme of Home Improvement was masculinity. The main character, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, grunted his way through season after season of idiotic plans under the mantra of MORE POWER. The game follows this ethos. While even the simplest of games will offer some instruction on basic mechanics like jump or don't die, Home Improvement offers only this

Even though this game is as hard as Robocop's boner.
The set up is surprisingly lengthy. The story here is Tim has given his name to a new series of power tools. Tim and his smartass sidekick Al bicker back and forth like an old married couple for a few minutes before Tim decided to go backstage to get them.


Also his kids are just there, for some reason.
He returns from backstage to reveal that the tools have been stolen. A note was left in their place telling him that maybe he can find the "back in the Stone Age where you belong". Al suggests that maybe that means the dinosaur movie set on the same lot. I don't know who's knowledge of the Stone Age is more woeful, but Tim agrees that that is a good idea and leaves his show mid taping to go get his power tools back from dinosaurs.

Yes, it is that kind of game.

Yeah he looks so broken up about it.

So Tim Taylor begins the adventure he could no doubt delegate to someone else, swinging into the dinosaur set like a less civilized Tarzan. Examining the surroundings of this massive, not at all Stone Age set, I discover a good deal of variety in Tim's moveset.

He has a jackhammer, a nail gun, a grappling hook (?), and a hammer that shoots electricity. So, dude is pretty fucking loaded. In fact, who needs these missing tools?


In fact, the jackhammer alone could be classified as a superweapon. In my first encounter with an enemy, a prehistoric insect, simply being near it was enough to cause a small nuclear explosion.


The first enemy that actually matters is this, an infinitely egg-spewing Pterosaur.




Right away the pretense of this being simply a TV show are thrown out, as there is nothing to suggest that is anything but a living breathing prehistoric beast. Tim Taylor has either wandered into a time machine or has lapsed into a state of madness.

A little later I find a weapon upgrade, a laser firing chainsaw.


This weapon is dangerous to you, as a player, as it gives you a false sense of badassery. "Oh, I've got a laser chainsaw now, fuck all these dinosaur bitches" you'll think. But that kind of thinking will quickly be the death of you, as immediately after that you will encounter a fireball spewing Velociraptor. He gives little and less shits about laser anythings.

Eat lase-GHHHGGH
Even after multiple direct laser-chainings to the face, the dinosaur manages to very easily firefuck Tim to death.


His children, who were nowhere to be seen previously, show up to give him assistance. This gives some weight to the "Tim is muttering about dinosaurs to himself somewhere" theory.

I die many times trying to make the end of the level, but through a mixture of perseverance and curiosity, I continue. You see, I had played this game many times over many years. But not once had I ever beaten the first level. Finally, my goal was within reach.  I reached the end of the level and-


It's a dead end. I don't know where to go. The level just...ends.

You'll notice, there's a crate nearby. Whatever, that's probably some more points or some shit. I get that and-



So. Apparently while I was off laser fighting fire-lizards and detonating insects I was ignoring the true goal of Home Improvement, which is to collect boxes scattered around the level. This realization brings many more deaths.

No, seriously, like an assload. Like I said earlier, this game don't fuck around.

After entirely too long, I manage to collect every crate without being blasted in the ass by some manner of dinosaur.

Let this picture serve as a reminder to future generations that this feat was performed at least once.
So what exciting new adventures do we have in store? Is Tim Taylor going to hallucinate about robbing trains in the Old West? Riding Sharks through Atlantis? Aiding aliens in a war against a ruthless alien warlord?


No.

It's more dinosaurs.













Now, if you're like me you noticed very quickly something was missing.




Yeah that's better.





17 comments:

  1. Nice article. We'll have to see what level 2 has in store. Prove your manliness so women on the interwebz will swoon to you faster than a velociraptor can spew fireballs.

    <3 Best label ever, btw. This Bekka chick sounds like dynamite.

    ReplyDelete
  2. :D

    I wasn't aware that the first level could be beat.

    Congrats, Luch... You are more man than I will ever be!

    Side note: I miss games like this... Not enough cheap TV tie ins...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well you can't have OUR game ideas.

      QUICK, HIDE THE OTHER LIST.

      (side note, LJ is still not letting me sign in using it)

      Delete
  3. I would like to add that this is indeed the hardest game ever made.

    Luchalma and I played this game together last night for what seemed an eternity. Each stage goes from 1-1 to 1-5 and each level is insanely hard. It's just stupid.

    1-5 is the boss level. The first boss is a plesioth that shoots bubbles everywhere. After this level you're given another cut scene where randy pleads with his father about wanting to join him. Tim says it's too dangerous and rushes away to his death in the "Temple of Tools". This level is, of course, Egyptian themed, where the enemies have like double the health and Tim still sucks.

    I gave up shortly after that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Real men don't give up, Jam. I have made you a nickname, but you don't deserve it yet.

      Delete
  4. Gorilla studying dictionary while anticipating battle with WinternovaDecember 4, 2013 at 6:31 PM

    Tim Allen's assistant on the show, "Al", was the worst Family Feud host out of all of them, he was downright uncomfortable to watch. Almost creepier than Richard Dawson.

    Al: Mary... *creepy grin*, name an animal that starts with the letter "G".

    Mary: *giggles* Goose!

    Al: Goose! You're sure about that?

    Mary: Uh huh!

    Al: Geese, I always see them flying around, up in the sky!!

    Mary: *giggles*

    Al: *creepy smile* Ok... let's hope goose is on the board *points to board*



    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is why you'll never get the fake dollars. You'll never take the prize.

      THE HALL FAMILY SHALL DEFEAT YOU, GORILLA.

      Delete
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