Sunday, December 30, 2012

The Golden Lotion Awards

As 2012 comes to a close, it is time to reflect and make sense of it all. What went wrong, what went right, what made you argue on message boards for weeks. 2012 is an interesting year, a year of transition. As some consoles lay dead or dying, new ones are born naked and crying. This was also the Year of the Downloadable Game. As we slide further and further into the 7th generation's twilight years, the Downloadable Game has provided fresh, new experiences for people bored of the AAA play-it-safe sequels.

Here are the winners of the 1st Annual Golden Lotion Awards...

The They Didn't Fuck It Up Award

WINNER: Halo 4

Without Bungie, the Halo series could have become a has-been series desperate to remind people of how great it once was. Under 343 Industries it has instead remained one of the best first person shooters on the market. While the multiplayer disappointed me a bit with its bits of CODification, the campaign is classic Halo in the same wonderful template. A lot of fans are calling Halo 4 the best in the entire franchise, and while I wouldn't go quite that far, it's good to know the series is in good hands.

Runner Up: Max Payne 3


The They Did Fuck It Up Award


WINNER: Ninja Gaiden 3 

With Xbox's Ninja Gaiden, Team Ninja managed to revive a classic franchise, show all other action games how it's done, and show younger gamers how things were back in the day. When playing a game on the NES, it wasn't You vs. Boredom, it was You vs. The Fucking Game. Ninja Gaiden captured that spirit while setting the bar for an entire genre. 

Not an easy thing to follow up as it turns out.

Ninja Gaiden 2 was not as good as Ninja Gaiden. But while Ninja Gaiden 2 was still a badass game, Ninja Gaiden 3 jaw-droppingly misses the mark on every single thing that makes those games great. In hindsight, it seems Tomonobu Itagaki was very important to the Ninja Gaiden recipe.

Runner Up: Mass Effect 3's Ending



 The Best Game I Didn't Play Award

WINNER: The Walking Dead

I've been a champion for the viability of gaming as a great medium for storytelling for years. I love point and click Adventure games. I still sort of like zombies! So why didn't I play this game? I couldn't tell you, but I certainly feel like I should. This game has taken the industry by storm. A smaller budget game with very limited actual gameplay, more than anything else this year it is emblematic of how gaming has changed.

I'll get around to it.

Runner Up: Journey

The Best Game I Won't Play Award


By all accounts, Fez is a great game. Fantastic, even.  But I won't play it for one reason.

Phil. Fucking. Fish.

I acknowledge that it's a silly reason. I'm willfully depriving myself of what would be likely be a great time because the dude who made is a pile of dicks. But every time I think about booting it up I imagine him somehow knowing that I'm playing it as a smug hipster smile crawls across his sweaty face. 

But I already gave him my money, so Mr. Fish gets the last laugh.

"I'm going to buy bigger glasses with it."

Runner Up: Fuck Phil Fish

The Gorilla Award For Calculated Insanity

WINNER: Frog Fractions

Frog Fractions is a Flash game where many, many people that play it will never understand what's so amazing about it. It is ostensibly an educational game that teaches fractions by way of a frog catching flies with its tongue. You could have a minute of fun just catching those flies then close your browser and never think of it again. But there is more to this game. Much more. I wouldn't dare tell you the secrets this game holds, but it is well worth your time to find them.

Runner Up: Rhythm Heaven Fever

The Meh Award


I'm pretty tired of these wrinkly old Xboxes and Playstations. I really liked the Wii. Yet for some reason I could not be any more apathetic toward the release of this new Nintendo machine. I've never felt this way about a new system release before. From its lukewarm launch to its silly tablet controller, this system just gives me no reason to be excited for it. 

And yet, being a Nintendo system, as soon as a real Mario game (fuck you with your New Super Mario shit) or Zelda or Metroid or whatever hits, I will just have to have one.

Runner Up: Minecraft

The Hey, This Is Actually Really Good Award

WINNER: Sleeping Dogs

This game had absolutely no right to be as good as it was. In fact, I'm getting mad about it as I type this. The fucking arrogance. Who the hell do you think you are, Sleeping Dogs? 

But while the game largely borrows elements from other games wholesale, it just does it so right. This Frankenstein creation knows exactly how to use all its pieces in the context of its Hong Kong crime drama world. It's not a perfect game, but it doesn't need to be.

Runner Up: Far Cry 3

The I'm Not Mad, I'm Just Disappointed Award

WINNER: Assassin's Creed III

Back in June, during E3, I named Assassin's Creed III as one of my most anticipated games of the show. I gave one caveat. If I couldn't punch George Washington, I wanted nothing to do with the thing.

I tried to knock that prestigious bastard out the whole game. It never gave me a chance.

Also the ending sucked.

Runner Up: Resident Evil 6

The I Hate You! *Slap*...*Kiss* Award

WINNER: Spelunky

I hate this game with every fiber of my being. I also can't stop playing it. Like a battered spouse I return to Spelunky knowing its fists are always just one wrong move away from flying. When I'm doing well at this game, the feeling of triumph is unparallelled. Even though I'm doing well so very rarely, chasing that feeling has become the reason I turn on my 360.

Runner Up: Assassin's Creed: Liberation's Glitches



WINNER: Persona 4 Golden

Look, some people would say this game shouldn't count for a Game of the Year award. Persona 4 came out for the PS2 in 2008. To that, I would say shut your filthy mouth you goddamn animal. Persona 4 Golden for the Vita is one of the best games of all time. There's so much about this game I shouldn't like. It's a JRPG. Strike one. It centers around anime style high schoolers solving a murder mystery while also exploring their friendship. Strikes two through infinity. But everything this game does, it does near perfectly. From the writing, the voice acting, the music, the presentation, everything is so far above the rest of the industry it is laughable.

If you have a Vita, buy this game. If you don't have a Vita, buy a Vita. Then buy this game.

Runners Up: Mass Effect 3, Spelunky, The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings Enhanced Edition, Gravity Rush

Bonus: The Accidentally The Most Popular Article on Beware The Robot Squad Award

WINNER: Technical Difficulties

Type Technical Difficulties into Google Image Search. Do it. 

I'll save you some time, it's that picture above.

Due to Google's silly algorithm, that picture and that article are the best representation of that idea. When it started to get some hits I was puzzled. When I found out why I giggled. Now that it's the most popular thing I've ever published I can only feel a bit bummed out. Nothing I've ever written or will ever write here will be as popular as that fortunately titled throwaway article. And these people aren't clicking on any other articles. It hasn't brought me any new readers. They just want that picture.

It is a pretty funny picture though.



  1. 4 lotion squirts out of 5, perfect awards!

  2. Great article again! This is the best video game blog around!

  3. Another reason this blog sucks.

  4. Gorilla Facing Mid Life Crisis AheadJanuary 1, 2013 at 11:39 PM

    Max Payne 3 is awesome.

    I apologize but I just wanted to briefly address the first comment in this segment.. While I did indeed find it humorous, I'll have you know that I have been commenting on this Blog long before most of you were even born.

  5. Gorilla Facing Mid Life Crisis AheadJanuary 1, 2013 at 11:41 PM

    I apologize for my outburst earlier. But I have made a lot of comments on this site, and to have some new guy come here and *puffs chest out* "Oh I'm this and that"... get real.

  6. Gorilla Facing Mid Life Crisis AheadJanuary 1, 2013 at 11:43 PM

    AH THE HELL WITH THIS! No I'm not sorry, I'm sick of this fucking bullshit

    *kicks wall repeatedly*

    fuck you!

  7. Gorilla Facing Mid Life Crisis AheadJanuary 1, 2013 at 11:44 PM

    I just wanted to apologize for the outburst I just had. I really do feel closer to everyone now and I'm glad this has brought us together in the long run.

  8. Apology accepted