Friday, March 29, 2013

Top Bananas #1 - Douchebags in Video Games.


Videogames share a lot of similarities with real life; there are buildings, shops, hills and trees, currencies, transactions, relationships, and a shit load of guns. There are also douchebags. In real life, douchebags are those asshats that you really want to punch, but can’t. Because rules and stuff. In video games, you can punch them (or at the very least gun them down while laughing maniacally), and it is glorious. However, just as douchebags have permeated, and ruined, every single aspect of real life, they have slimed, swagged, duck-faced, and chest bumped their way into every single pore of the humble video game (please be quiet, games have pores; go do some science and come back when you know what you are talking about). Douchebags have infiltrated games to the point where they are not content with simply being the ‘bad guy,’ the ‘humorous sidekick’ or the ‘love interest’; they have to be the main character; the protagonist, el protagonisto, the big cheese, or at the very least part of a party of player characters. And this sucks.
Go on - get this top ten in you.



These douchebags bring their douchey attitude to the world of games, complete with incorrectly spelled Chinese tattoos that are supposed to say ‘freedom,’ or ‘passion,’ or some other shit-filled nonsense; they bring their despicable fake tans, and enthusiasm for yelling when in a bar: ‘SHOTS, YEAH FUCK YEAH. SHOTS!’ Damn douchebags, why have you infiltrated the medium of gaming? It was my place of solace.

Mario was never a douche. I mean, has Mario ever taken nude pictures of his wang and sent them to Princess Peach? The answer is no. Well, apart from that horrible Luigi prank, you know the one that went disastrously wrong. Anyway, Mario is a nice guy, and this brings up a question or two. Why are nice guys no longer the staple in gaming? Where did this need for a moral grey area come from? And why the balls are there so many douchebag protagonists? OK, so not all protagonists are clear-cut good guys; the protagonists from The Walking Dead (Telltale) and NiER highlight this. These guys are morally grey, and nice, and yet neither of them is a douchebag, so it is not impossible to create realistic, flawed, and non-linear protagonists. However, it does seem that the gaming industry equates morally grey with absolute cockbag.

And so it is that I present to you this list. It is a list of douchebag player characters in games, or more specifically game characters that resemble douchebags from real life. These are the sort of douchebags that many of us cross the street to avoid sharing eye-contact with in real life, yet for some reason spend hours and hours controlling in videogames. This is a list of douchebags taken from games that I have played, and as a result there will be some missing – feel free to comment with any that you feel should have been included. I have also made the executive decision (yes, I am an executive you dick) to use characters in current gen (retail) games only, as this narrows down an almost impossibly long list of douchebags! Feel free to mock and deride my selections. Also note that I am not stating that I hate all of these characters; I do hate some of them, but a few have redeeming qualities – like that douchebag you still hang around with, even though he is an absolute cock. Disclaimer: This list will not confirm to peer pressure and lazily list ‘you’ as being a douchebag for being naughty in first person RPGs. Second disclaimer: This list may not be very good. Also spoilerific spoilery spoilers may be contained within.



10. Jason Brody – Far Cry 3

Ooh, look at my sexy chinstrap.

This may anger a few readers, but needs to be said. Everyone raves about how Jason Brody is a great character. He is realistic, and flawed, and he learns as the game progresses in a realistic way (let’s ignore the fact that he ends up as a mass murderer). Sure, this is all correct, but the main thing that everyone misses is that Jason Brody is a complete tool. As good an argument as any for the silent protagonist approach to games. What makes him a douchetool? Well, for starters he’s a bro. He loves adrenaline, and goes to lap dancing bars. That should really be enough, but there is more. He treats his girlfriend like ass (and not in a good way), he is easily seduced by sadistic power, and says some of the most asshattish things ever heard in video game history. Sure Far Cry 3 is a fantastic game, but Jason Brody detracts from it rather than adds to it. There are some compelling characters; Vaas and Citra for example. Why would I want to play as a character who shouts ‘WOAH YEAH WHOOOOOO,’ or something equally asinine when jumping from a great height with a parachute attached to his bumhole.


9. Duke – Duke Nukem Forever

I'm gonna grind my balls into your face.

Sorry Duke fans, but I couldn’t really make a list of douchebaggery without including the prime douche of gaming. A lot of people hated Duke Nukem Forever, I didn’t. I quite enjoyed the misogynistic childishness, and although I have yet to finish the game did think it was decent (except those driving / shrinking parts – they sucked ass.) Duke makes this list though as a mark of respect to the writers who wrote such detailed mockery of tools everywhere. He looks (and sounds) perfect; I couldn’t imagine a bigger douchebag if I tried… Oh wait…

                                                                           This guy.
                                                                        And this guy.
       And this guy. <Holy crap, a top ten list within a top ten list… I’m going all Inception up in here.>

I could go on, but better get back to business; my cheques aren’t going to cash themselves now, are they? Duke is a douche, but he is the core example of what douches in gaming should be, unserious mockeries of real douchebags.


8. Jansen Friedh – Lost Odyssey

Pfft, I only drink Perrier sparkling.
What can I say about Jansen? When he first stumbled onto the scene in Lost Odyssey I almost switched the game off. He is a clich├ęd mess of douchebaggery. He likes a drink, but then again doesn’t everyone? Is it just me? Huh? Regardless, there is a world of difference between liking a drink and getting bedwettingly drunk while sleazing over party girls. I can only imagine how many STDs Jansen is riddled with, probably more than your local nightclub barstool, but less than Paris Hilton. BOOM. Celeb name-dropping and insulting all in one go, my sexy ass is like is like Perez Hilton, whoever the fuck that is. Anyway, I digress, to get back to the point… The main reason Jansen makes this list is his heinous abuse of Queen Ming Numara. It’s almost rape, and every one knows only douchebags (male or female) push themselves on members of the opposite sex.


7. Dan Hibiki – SFIV

I'm going to jam this finger right up my own arse.
I had to include Dan, for reasons similar to most of the other entries; he is an arrogant son of a bitch. The funny thing about Dan is that not only is he arrogant, he can’t really back it up – a clear case of massive mouth, tiny penis. If his personality was not douchey enough, the Street Fighter wiki (http://streetfighter.wikia.com/wiki/Dan) lists one of his hobbies as singing karaoke. Now, is that not the doucheiest thing you have ever heard? Dan is an arrogant assbag, and all he seems to care about is the shameless self-promotion of himself and his shitty fighting style. My fighting style is better than his, and my fighting style revolves around attempting to confuse and scare off my attackers by urinating threats in the middle of the battle area. You know what, Dan is such a dumbass loser that I can’t be bothered typing more.


6. Sam B / Logan Carter – Dead Island

I am so hip hop right now; I'm literally more hip hop than Biggie 2pac - Sam B.
OK babe, you want a self shot. Here you go - Logan.
Aaargh - Babe.
OK, so I mostly wanted to include Sam B, but it proved too difficult to ignore the scarily douchey name of Logan Carter. Damn, that name just makes me want to punch myself in the testes. HARD. Anyway, Logan is being included solely for his name; I can’t actually remember him from the game – like not at all. Sam B is also being included for his name. We can all agree that only assholes initial their last name. However, Sam B’s douchiness does not stop there. That bastard almost ruined my game. He just wouldn’t shut up, and continued to spout douchey nonsense from the first bloody minute to the last fucking second. The worst comment Sam B made (and he made this comment on a metre by metre basis) was:

“Who do you voodoo?”

What. The. Fuck. Does. That. Even. Mean?

Seriously, if anyone can explain to me what that fucking douchebastard comment means I would be very appreciative.


5. Anders – Dragon Age II

Stop. STOP! I said MEN ONLY DAMNIT.
Before I go any further I want to make it clear that I am not talking about Dragon Age Origins Anders, only Dragon Age II Anders. He is here as a direct result of his douchey (and quite selfish) behaviour in DAII, most notably when he blew up the damn chantry. He is also a bit of a whiny dumbass in DAII in comparison to the way he was in DA:O, and on top of this can lack tact. There is a quest in the game where the party looks for a possibly dead mother, and big cool Anders has to jest:

‘Maybe we’ll find more than a bag of bones this time!’

What an ass. He also has a go at Merrill on more than one occasion, which just further highlights his douche tendencies.


4. Zack / Bass – Dead or Alive 5

Does anyone have any lotion? You do? FUCK YEAH!
It was too tough a choice between Zack and Bass, as both display equal amounts of douchebaggery, and so once again I have invoked my executivity (no it is not a word, but fuck you) to include both those bastards. I’ll start with Bass, or as he will be known from now, ass. Ass is, well, he is an ass. Ass’s musclebound idiocy is not enough for him to make this list, as muscles do not make a douche. He is here partly because of his bandana, and partly because of his sunglasses, but mostly because he forced his daughter (Tina) into wrestling, and then decided she should enter the Dead or Alive competition. What kind of a person makes their only daughter enter a competition called Dead or Alive? Seriously? What a dick.
There is at least one party in my pants, and you are totally invited.
Zack is a DJ, who loves money and hunts fame. OK, 100% douchebag certified. Zack is representative of the reality TV doucher, the camera hungry douche that will do anything for their five seconds of ill-advised and hopefully fatal fame. He also desires Tina. That poor girl has enough to deal with in the shape of her douchefather. Zack’s overacting, and camera pandering almost makes DoA games unplayable, thankfully Hitomi exists…

Why are you looking a that massive flamingo?


3. John Terry – Fifa 12

I want you inside me.
I had to include John Terry, and I apologise to any non-football fans that don’t know who he is… Actually, I take that back – you should be apologising to me for knowing who this utter doucheturd is. You may argue that he is not a player character, but he is and you are wrong. He is in Fifa 12 and every single other Fifa... Although I couldn't find a picture of him as a character - which adds to the already high levels of douchebaggery. Anyway, he plays for Chelsea, a team with more douchebags than an NSYNC reunion concert. Ashley Cole could easily have made this list, but by following the one per franchise rule that for some odd reason every top ten list has (including this one, now… Apparently… Although that may change in the future), I had to make a decision. Anyway, I’m not sure that I can adequately express how much of a douchebag John Terry is, in real life and in game form, but I can link to a couple of news articles that highlight his douchiness.

There may be a future top ten of douchebag sport playing people in games, as there is a lot of cannon fodder – see also Ryan Giggs, Tiger Woods, and Rampage Jackson, yet again.


2. Augustus Cole – Gears of War series

Mmm, I smell ass.
I seriously considered simply the words ‘Cole train’ as my only comment, but I felt bad… And so I have decided to add a few more. This jacked up meathead is almost a dictionary definition of douchebag arrogance. And before you claim he is not a playable character, he is… So there. I have yet to play Gears of War 3 (played and enjoyed the first one coop, and played and somewhat enjoyed the second one coop, but didn’t bother with the third) but it seems that The Cole Train (to give him his full asshole title) is playable as a result of some sort of beta prize. I don’t know, and I don’t really care. Anyhow… This guy has douche stamped all over his stupid douche face, and not in a nice tongue in cheek way like those happy chaps from the Army of Two games. Note to developers: I as a game buying consumer would like you to know that big muscles and a shit catchphrase do not make a good character, now kindly stop being lazy and make stuff good. Sincerely, Manana Bana. Never give your real name to these swine, that’s how they get you.


1. Snow Villiers – Final Fantasy XIII.

My penis is a motorcycle.
How can anyone not detest this face?
Some of you will already be aware of my disdain for Snow. I’m not going to lie to you; he was the reason I made this list. This entire top ten list of douchebaggery is his fault. I like FFXIII, and the characters. Quite a few gamers harbour hatred towards Hope, but I can’t really understand this. Sure he is a whiny twat, but so are most kids (spend an hour surfing the youtube comments section and you will be unable to disagree with this), but on the whole he develops as a character and adequately fills the position of ‘whiny, but nice kid who keeps the main protagonist’s (Lightning’s) heart true,’ which is seemingly a staple for current gen JRPGs. Anyway, back to Snow. Everything about him is douchey, starting with his name; Snow. Ooh, your name is weather, how cool. It’s not even badass; compared with lightning, snow is but a minor inconvenience, but it is the sort of name a complete douchebag would choose for him(her)self thinking it was cool.

Moving on to the second douchiest thing about Snow, his outfit. I’ll start with that trench coat farce. Why is it so long? Is he a vampire? How douchey is that? He must think he looks good, otherwise why would he be wearing it – it’s not practical in any way, shape or form. Also, why does it seem too small – it won’t do up in the middle. Why is it that douchebags like to wear clothes that do not fit them? I am at a loss for words. OK, stupid trench coat done, what about that fucking piece of complete toolery. THAT FUCKING HAT. I don’t think there is much that needs to be said here, but anyone with a hat like that is a complete douche.

Moving on now to his personality; I imagine Snow to be the kind of guy in the bar flicking his long yellowish locks of asshair in the direction of every female with a pulse. I bet he can’t hold more than one pint, but insists on buying the most alcoholic beverage in the bar and drinking it like he owns the fucking world. He seems like the type of guy who would sleaze around all night before returning to his missus in the morning without regret. His childish smirk would light up the evening of many a drunk frat girl. I bet he doesn’t even say goodbye afterwards.

Anyway, to finish up (no, I have not finished yet), the worst thing about Snow is that he thinks he is a good guy. There is little more douchey than the douche who doesn’t think (s)he is a douche.

And so there you have it, the ten douchiest player characters in gaming. Did you waste your time by reading this? Perhaps. Was it a practical use of your time? Perhaps not. Am I a douche myself? Why not put that answer in the comments section?

Thanks for reading, and many thanks to the kind humans of Beware the Robot Squad for allowing me to post my crap!

6 comments:

  1. Don't know why Connor from Assassins Creed III wasn't in the list, that dude was a cocky asshole douche

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I always thought Ezio was kind of a douche as well. And Desmond too.


      Not Altair though. He's just a badass.

      Delete
    2. I haven't played ACIII yet. :)

      I also agree with Desmond - that dude sucks, but I like Ezio, although his name is a bit douchey.

      Delete
  2. Two words my friend.


    Johnny Cage

    ReplyDelete
  3. Gorilla Parked In Empty Lot With Car Full Of GnomesMarch 31, 2013 at 9:34 AM

    That was hilarious.

    ReplyDelete