Top Bananas #8 - The Top Ten Most Awesome Things about Current Gen Games

The next generation is almost here, and if the internet is to be believed (why would you doubt it?) the release of these new-fangled machineridoodaas will lead to the sort of catastrophe only seen in Roland Emmerich movies. No, not Rolando Emmericho; his movies are sweet, but big-daddy-explode-the-world Roland Emmerich. You see, Microsoft has plans to kidnap and then systematically eat every single baby on the planet, even baby penguins, and Sony has fixed its evil eyes and despicable intentions on punching you repeatedly in the balls without even saying sorry. Nintendo meanwhile has focused so hard on yet another Mario game that the entire company has dissolved into one of the many sweat stains dripping down Mario's unsightly chin as he attempts to squash yet another hardworking Goomba (with his ass, no less). Things are so bad that I have decided to write a semi-serious Top Bananas!

Bloody hell Microsoft, YOU BASTARDS!!!

With all this doom and gloom, and the echoing cries and wails of internet plebs everywhere (yup, I'm talkin' 'bout you), it's become difficult to see even the most remote flicker of hope in the next generation, although I'm sure that upon release everything will have been forgotten and all the naysayers will be happily enjoying their new console (whichever they should choose; probably the PS4, although I have to say I like the look of the Xbox One - I know, I suck).

So, with the intention of ignoring the horror that awaits gamers everywhere in generation 8 (Gener8 if you are a slimy marketing exec. looking for a somewhat cool, but most shit slogan), this Top Bananas walks you down memory lane with a smug grin on its face, a joyous swing in its step and at least two hands in your pants. I welcome you to the top ten most awesome things about current gen games!

Top Bananas # 7: The Top Ten Pairs of Boobs in Current Gen Gaming.

Promises were made. Promises were made and subsequently broken; no, not only broken, but smashed, destroyed and quite possibly obliterated, just last month the Top Bananas team were offering our sincere (mostly) apologies for unforeseen delays in the research and development, and publication, of our gaming-related top ten lists. It depresses us to inform you that we are once more sitting here enveloped in sadness, awash with the misery of failure and aghast at the realisation that we must apologise again for further unforeseen delays (which may, or may not, relate to the release of GTA V). So, here it is; this is the beating heart of a team with nothing left to give, hold it sweetly in your hand, don’t squeeze too hard: We are sorry for the delay! There, we did it. Phew. KaPow. Zing. Bosh. Whooo!

Top Bananas #6 - The Top Ten Cubes in Gaming (may or may not contain cubes).

First things first, the Top Banana’s team would like to set the record straight. We have not been off revelling in the joy of the witty repartee, nor have we been sidelined with a niggling hamstring injury. We have just been lazy. The Top Banana’s team, and we use team in the least literal sense, has been vacationing in luxury, sipping cocktails, and lounging in hammocks under palm trees whilst simultaneously laughing at the desperation of our fan, as he squirms in nerdy anger at the lack of mildly entertaining and wholly unimportant top ten lists. Alas, now we are back, and having secreted ourselves back into the office, we are ready to impart more unwanted gaming top tens on the Internet nation. 

This is how we spent July.

 

Top Bananas #E3 - The Ten Best E3 2013 Announcements

The E3 website www.e3expo.com suggests that there should be 4 Es, not 3.

The big three have now had the chance to wow E3, and wow it they did. Microsoft, Sony and Nintendo have all made the most of this year's E3, and gamers everywhere have 'won'. So, without any further ado Top Bananas presents you with the ten best E3 2013 announcements so far.

Top Bananas #5 - The Top Ten Lamest Games EVAR.

Following a 0.3% fall in output during Q4 in 2011 quantitative easing easing was introduced with the aim of stimulating growth. However, further declines in output continued through Q1 and into Q2 in 2012. There was a slight revival during Q3 as a direct result of…

…

Um…

What the actual fuck is going on here?

Top Bananas # 4 - The Top Ten Video Game Cities for Dwelling.

Been a while since the last Top Bananas... I heartily apologise to my adoring fan.

Let's get ready to Banananananumble!

... Uh...

Games are awesome.

That is a fact.

No, really it is - don't sit there, with your terrible hair and your stupid face, and tell me that fact is opinion when it is, in fact, fact. Games are awesome, and there are many awesome things in games.

All 6 of these are awesome.

Ahem. Those are, indeed, awesome, but www.bewaretherobotsquad.com is hardly the place for such frivolity.

And so it is that I present to you, dearest reader, a very serious and highly philosophical insight into the world of gaming, or more accurately the worlds in gaming (well, sort of). This Top Bananas aims to delight the senses, and stimulate the brain (while at the same time gently cupping the balls) with a rundown of the ten video game cities (and towns) that would make for lovely places to live.

Spoilers for Fable, KotOR, Jade Empire and probably others - but definitely those.