Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Top Bananas #5 - The Top Ten Lamest Games EVAR.





Following a 0.3% fall in output during Q4 in 2011 quantitative easing easing was introduced with the aim of stimulating growth. However, further declines in output continued through Q1 and into Q2 in 2012. There was a slight revival during Q3 as a direct result of…


Um…

What the actual fuck is going on here?



Well, that certainly was a lame introduction. But, it does bring me nicely to the point, the point being lameness. Lame things are everywhere – look around, see that colleague with the sweat stains? The one surrounded by the stench of cheese and onion flavoured crisps? He’s lame. See that pile of work on your desk? That’s lame. See that attractive lady that refuses to look at your ugly ass on the bus, she’s lame. See that woman on TV chatting with other woman about men and periods and stuff? They are all lame. See that Xbox 1 price? That’s lame. See Drake at E3? That’s lame, in fact, it’s one of the lamest things I have ever seen. See that mirror? What you see looking back at you is lame. Lame lame lame. Lameness surrounds us, and so it makes perfect sense that lame video games exist. And boy, do they exist.

And so, without any further lameness, this Top Lameanas brings you a rundown of the ten lamest games ever. Agree, or disagree it’s your choice, free will and all…

10. Knights of the Old Republic 2

 
Pictured: One of the greatest moments in gaming history.

You may be saying: “What the fuck are you talking about Banana?” And you would be justified; KotOR II is a great game. Well, 95% of it is a great game; the other 5% is the lamest, most disappointing video game in history. The game is unfinished (yes, I know there is a mod – no, I haven’t played it. My laptop doesn’t even run Lemmings), and not in a fun way. The last ‘level’ is one of the most excruciating ordeals in gaming, mostly due to the wasted potential, and the lack of closure in almost every single respect. Still, it ranks so low as it is in all other respects, a great game (despite the lame Sith Lord). 

Joint 10th place!!! Holy fuck!

Jade Empire 2

Jade Empire 2 is lame, because it doesn’t exist. And it should. 

9. Mario Bros. 2


Pictured: One of the worst moments in gaming history.

What a lame game. Seriously, fuck this game. I’m going to paint you a picture here: Imagine the unbridled excitement of a young Mario fan, fresh from a hard day’s schooling and ready to kick some Goomba ass.  Imagine the countless hours said fan had spent engrossed in the trials and tribulations of Mario in the original Mario Bros. Now, imagine the ecstatic stupor said fan was in when he opened Mario Bros. 2. Imagine the fevered excitement as said fan pops the cartridge into his console, and grabs the button-block (controller). Imagine the sheer joy as said fan presses start and begins to play.


Imagine being said fan, and seeing this.



Now, can you imagine the pain? Can you see the tears? This isn’t Mario. It’s not that bad I suppose, but it’s a bloody lame Mario game. Sure, Mario Bros 3 more than made up for this, but those tears…

They can never be forgotten.

8. Sega Worldwide Soccer ‘98


Shooooooooooooooot!

There is a chance that no-one will have heard of, or played this game, but be assured that Sega Worldwide Soccer ’97 was a huge part of my young life. My brothers and I played the hell out of that game. So, imagine (again) our happiness when the new version game out. Sega Worldwide Soccer ’98 is better in almost every single way – with advancements across the board. There was however, one minor issue; every single lob from the halfway line would result in a goal. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. This resulted in farcical matches that played more like tennis than football. As a result this game is lame.

7. Prince of Persia: Warrior Within


How cool does this jerkface think he is?

This is another example of sequel disappointment. I loved PoP: Sands of Time, and played the absolute hell out of it. Warrior Within sounded so good on paper, but the actual game was so generic. It was devoid of the charm of Sands of Time. Instead of charm there was a bunch of ‘cool’ stuff; it was sexier, and had more blood. You know, the stuff gamers apparently love. It sold very well, but it sucked ass in comparison to PoP; Sands of Time.  A damn lame video game; hey that rhymes. I hear wind chimes. Holy fuck; in a truck, sits a duck, with 10 bucks. Um… 

This is why Warrior Within sucks... WAIT. What? Perhaps I mean this is why Warrior Within was awesome? I'm confused.

6. Dragon Age II


A painting mishap?

Not the worst game ever. BUT, a highly disappointing one. I, and many others, expected so much from this. We wanted to visit different locations around Kirkwall, not be stuck going through the same dungeon 43 times. We wanted interesting characters, and got 1! We wanted to explore the world, but got stuck in one city (which was pretty cool, but a little lame at the same time). We wanted an epic, traditional RPG, and ended up with a lame, traditiolame RPG.

5. Die Hard: Nakatomi Plaza 


Holy shit! That actually looks fun. Wish I had managed to get that far.

I hated this game with the sort of passion Mel Gibson exudes towards those in the Jewish community. It was so broken. I have never played a more glitchy clusterfuck of a game. I paid top dollar for it, brand new, and was so excited to play, only to discover that every time I tried to leave the first room (not the first level, the first ROOM) my game crashed. After a few weeks of attempted fixes and patches I did manage to leave the first room. Only to find that there was a time delay between pressing the shoot button and actually shooting, a delay of about 3 minutes! Needless to say, I spent the entire first level dying, and subsequently crying at the realisation that I would never be able to actually play the damn game.

4. Def Jam: Fight for New York


Sex or fighting? Answers on a postcard.

Some douchebag friend of mine at University told me to buy this utter nonsense. I don’t even like rap. That’s like buying ShaqFu if you hated basketball, Shaq, and kung fu (not possible). As a fighter this game was lame; much worse than any of the other fighters (or wrestling games) I owned. As a rap-based game, it may have been good. I don’t know. As it is, I played it for a few hours, got annoyed and spent a more enjoyable few hours hating the game, and the assbandit who told me to buy it. That was the day I learned never to trust people. People suck.

Legends of Wrestling

I’m putting this piece of utter trash here as well. I was so excited for this game, but it is quite possibly the worst wrestling game ever (and I played that ECW game).

3. Tony Hawk's – All games after 3


I have an idea for a game; it's a skating game, but you spend most of the time running around holding your skateboard. Good, no? I also have an idea for a driving game, where you spend most of the game parking.

I adored Tony Hawk’s 1 through 3 – I must’ve spent more time playing Tony Hawk’s 2 than any other game. That is no small amount of time. So, imagine (yet again - you can’t say Top Bananas doesn’t make you think) my frustration and anger that the series morphed from arcade style tricks and combos to a sort of prank-driven story-based lame-fest with sloppy controls.  I hate the newer versions of these games; it’s almost like someone looked into my brain and found my personal idea of gaming hell. Then made it. Such nonsense. I blame Jackass (more like lameass, amirite *nudge nudge wink wink*).

2. Robocop





This game is so lame, I’m going to call it a g-lame from now on.

1. Sonic Chronicles


This is what's wrong with the world!
 
They really saw me coming with this one.
Salesman: “So, you like RPGs?”
Me: “Yup.”
Salesman: “Who is your favourite developer?”
Me: “Hmm… Probably Bioware.”
Salesman: “Do you like Sonic?”
Me: “Yes, Sir.”
Salesman: “You should buy this…”
Me: “OK.”

Two hours later…

Me:
It's funny because I hate him.
 Thanks for reading... Any comments? Feel free to sling 'em my way. But, keep it clean, eh? You dirty cock. Stay tuned for next week's Top Bananas! It's a good 'un.

7 comments:

  1. Gorilla With Alan Wake DartboardJune 11, 2013 at 7:51 PM

    I'd like to add Alan Wake to your list of games that you think suck

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What did you dislike about Alan Wake? I thought it was alright - not the best game certainly... But only somewhat lame. :)

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    2. Gorilla With Alan Wake DartboardJune 12, 2013 at 11:51 AM

      The main character, his wife, whoever created the main character, the story, the gameplay, the coffee cups, the "oh this game is going to have amazing lighting, isn't that great" videos prior to it coming out.

      Delete
    3. Bananananananananannanananananananana.June 14, 2013 at 9:39 AM

      I couldn't agree more on the coffee cups part... I enjoyed Wake... Not that much, but it was alright - missed all the pre-hype though!

      :)

      Delete
    4. Her name was Alice. Alice Wake. Alan Wake. The Wakes.

      Delete
  2. Man, Warrior Within really bummed me out. The first was an absolute masterpiece, why on Earth would anyone think it needed an emo makeover.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Certain bigwig head honcho fatcats needed firing over that one!

      Sands of Time was such a great game... Warrior Within was so disappointing that I didn't even bother to play the third one (Two Thrones?)... I did buy it, but couldn't bring myself to play it. Warrior Within ruined Prince of Persia for me... And then Jyake Gylylyeyn Hyall killed it completely.

      Delete