Sunday, June 9, 2013

Electronic Three Forecast

Well, it's that time again. Once a year the gaming industry's dog and pony show rolls into town, strutting its wares for the coming months. For us gamers it's an exciting time. It's our Super Bowl. The last few years have been pretty predictable though, a byproduct of this absurdly long console generation. With this year's show, we'll get some concrete info on two brand new machines. Anticipation and speculation are running high. I think I'll offer some predictions of my own so I can laugh at how off the mark I was in a few days.





  • A great deal of third party games, as rumored, will be shown only on the Xbox One. In an attempt to lose its image that the One is the console for non-gamers, the notion that these games will also be on the PS4 (and possibly better, if other rumors are to be believed) will be laughed away as the ramblings of madmen.
  • Mirror's Edge 2 will be announced. This one's a pretty safe bet, there have been whispers for a long time. I predict it will be a Kinect based party game starring cartoon versions of our favorite characters.
  • When pressed about its own DRM systems in place for the PS4, Sony will divulge that "An internet connection is not required, but an internet connection is not NOT required" and "There is no fee for used games. There is, however, a toll for used games."
  • Rare is rumored to be unveiling a new game in one of their "historic" franchises. Theories abound for which game it will be. Perfect Dark 2? A new Killer Instinct? A Banjo game that returns the bear to his more boring roots? No. I expect this E3 will introduce us to It's Mr. Pants 2. I predict it will be a Kinect based party game starring cartoon versions of our favorite characters. 
  • Fooling the world in the greatest trick ever pulled, THQ will appear onstage in a cloud of smoke to reveal that they were busy making Darksiders 3 this whole time.
  • GTA V will be announced to also releasing on next generation consoles. And also canceled for current gen systems. And you know what? Canceled altogether.
  • EA has recently made free a number of its Online Passes, and made an announcement that it was abandoning the much reviled idea altogether. During E3, it will be understood that this was merely an attempt to gain a few shreds of good will before the announcement of the Electronic Arts Kiss My Ass Nerds surcharge. Every time you boot your new copy of Madden, you will be required to pay another $5. Failure to do so will result in result in a formatted hard drive.
If they already think you're the worst company in America, you might as well own it.



  • Microsoft has announced that they have 15 games in production for the Xbox One. I predict that, of those 15, 9 will be Kinect based party games starring cartoon versions of our favorite characters.
  • Sega will shock audiences by unveiling their return to the hardware market. Titles like Shenmue III and Seaman 2 will be on display. Sega will be out of business before they finish their conference.
  • Beyond Good and Evil 2 will be announced for a surprise June release.


Hey, one can dream.






One can dream.....

4 comments:

  1. Gorilla With Cock Stuck In Peanut Butter JarJune 10, 2013 at 12:30 AM

    Well look, I was talking to Famirus, and from what I heard that the only announcement that is going to be made at E3 is Dragon Age II - Part Deux. Basically going to be deux the fun.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Banana Eating BreakfastJune 10, 2013 at 1:48 AM

    As long as I can deux Ander's ass again... I'm happy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not quite awake yet BananaJune 10, 2013 at 1:55 AM

      Damn... That should have been a direct reply. Shit!

      With console names going from good (Super Nintendo, Sega Mega Drive) to rubbish (Xbox One, Wii, PS:Vita)... Any ideas what Sega will call their new attempt?

      Sega One
      Zega
      Sega Play
      Sega: New Beginnings
      Sega: Oh God We Sold Sonic
      Sega: Ages

      ???

      Something WORSE???

      Delete
    2. Those names are all awesome.

      Delete