Thursday, April 24, 2014

Distracted By Drooling #46: Crazy Taxi

If you are young enough that Sega is "the people who make those dumb Sonic games, right?", you may not remember that at one time, Sega was King of All Video Games.

Pictured: The 90's, pretty much.

Once upon a time, there was a cool game called Crazy Taxi. It was originally released in arcades, and is most fondly remembered as a Dreamcast title. But this is the Steam version.

I'll save you some time here. This is not the port you're looking for.

Crazy Taxi is a racing (?) action arcade game. The point of the game is simple. As a cabbie, pick up customers and earn as much money as you can before time runs out. Depending on how fast you deliver your customers, you can earn more money or time. Driving recklessly is encouraged, as long as it gets you to your destination quicker and you aren't crashing into shit all over.

That goddamn box came out of nowhere.

Driving dangerously around the vaguely Californian cities is fun, and learning the fastest way around is essential. One major annoyance is the pedestrians' absolute refusal to be run over. Try as you might, those bastards will jump and/or teleport out of the way of your cab. I'm not saying I'd rather play Carmageddon (no one would), but give me something here Sega. If I'm playing Crazy Taxi, I wanna be crazy.

This PG version of Christine sucks.

Now, let's cut the smalltalk. There's real problems with the Steam version of the game. Firstly, and most importantly, there's no Bad Religion or Offspring music in it. This ruins everything. If you ain't driving around while a man shouts "ya ya ya ya" at you, then just don't bother. Secondly, the original game featured some of the most in-your-face product placement in video game history, featuring destinations like KFC and Pizza Hut restaurants. In the Steam version, these are replaced by generic locations. I've never argued in favor of product placement before, but damn it Pizza Hut is Crazy Taxi.

Don't eat at the Pizza Parlor, rumor is the cook doesn't wash his hands in the bathroom.

Thirdly, this:

I've contacted Sega on this issue, but have yet to receive a reply.
Crazy Taxi works best as a nostalgia piece, but when it's missing some of its most recognizable elements it's not clear who it's really for. Go get a Dreamcast and a copy of the game. You could probably get both cheaper these days anyway.


  1. You only win extra time in one of the modes I think.

    We should have fried chicken shack for dinner.

    Also you should rank the cabbies in order of coolness.

    Crazy box mode is crazy.

    1. Axel: Seth Green/10
      B.D Joe: Oh god please stop smiling at me/10
      Gena: Woman/10
      Gus: Button up your shirt, man/10

      I think the ranking are pretty self explanatory.

  2. Gus kinda reminds me of George Costanza. And not in a fun way.

    1. Being compared to George Costanza is never fun. Unless you find a woman who is attracted to short, stocky, balding men.

    2. Or you're his cousin who's "into it"

  3. >>Standrad<<

    Goddard lazy checkers.

    No Offspring no buy,
    No Roger, no Rerun, no Rent.