Sunday, April 6, 2014

Breaking World Records For Hunting #43: Dynamite Jack

Dynamite Jack is a game that demanded to be revisited. Branbekka played this game on a whim many weeks ago, and hated it. But it always called out; a dark whisper in the back of the mind. We have answered the call. Can Dynamite Jack redeem itself?

Spoilers: No.

DJ (as it will be known from now on) is a stealth puzzle game, I guess.

This joke is only funny to me.

The story is set up thusly:

I don't know about you, but that shit pumps me up to play some goddamn Dynamite Jack! Look at this badass:

What's he shooting at? Does he need that many bullets? Can he see through that scope out of that visor? Does any of that matter? He's Dynamite Jack.

Clearly this motherfucker is going to be crackin' skulls and kickin' ass on his way to escape the mines.

Then the game starts and

That's the dude. The game designers clearly never consulted with the concept artists, because they have wildly different opinions on what a man named Dynamite Jack would look like. The one in the cutscene looks like he would make Master Chief wet his MJOLNIR. The one in-game looks like he gets noogies from Chip of Chip's Challenge.

Anyway, the game begins by asking you to pick up a few things. A flashlight, and a detonator with unlimited bombs.

It always gives you the tutorial in keyboard commands, despite the fact that it supports gamepads. It sucks when games do this. Take five minutes and put a picture of an A button in there. Anyway, it tells you these things every level. Press UP, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT to move the player, Press Z to toggle the flashlight. The developers want to make damn sure you remember how to place a bomb, even though there's only like three actions for the whole game.

The actual game consists of avoiding guards, blowing up obstacles, avoiding guards, grabbing keys to open locked doors, and avoiding guards. It's the avoiding guards part that's tricky. Seriously, these homies are so competent at their job it's hard to believe they'd leave explosives lying about in a camp full of POWs in the first place. The game consists of a lot of trial and error as you attempt to stay out of their range of vision. But they will surprise you anyway with their inconsistent A.I. You will die. A lot. Then you will quit playing the game. Then you will come back later, start to like it a little bit, then hate it again after you die over and over again to laser beam shooting wizards.

No... no... no! YOU WILL DIE!