Thursday, July 5, 2012

Hotter than Hell Game Levels

I don't know what it's like where you are, but it's hot as shit here. And honestly if you're reading this from some Siberian tundra thinking to yourself  "It's actually quite chilly", I kind of hate you right now. I don't even have any air conditioning man! Sweat is pouring down my face ars I typiwe thdhiks-

Anyway. As hot as it is, at least I'm not in any of these places.

Aladdin - The Desert

I imagine all of Aladdin's levels are fucking hot. They all take place in some vague Middle Eastern sweaty kingdom and the color pallet consists entirely of red, orange and yellow. But this level is a freaking desert (The Desert, apparently), a region defined by being too damn hot. And Aladdin runs this level barefoot like some kind of dumbass. This is sand that could boil a rock we're talking about here.

That's the skeleton of some animal that evolved specifically to survive in this environment, and even that dude was like "Too. Fucking. Hot. Ugggggghhhh"

Mario 64 - Lethal Lava Land

According to my research for this post, scientists calculate lava can reach temperatures of "Holy shit you guys, this stuff is so hot".  Even being near it can burn your balls off, yet Mario just walks around this fiery stew of incandescence like it ain't no thang. And why wouldn't he? Mario is no stranger to Lava Levels. Even Bowser keeps a few pits of lava in his many homes just to keep things exciting.

"See honey! I told you that lava rug would really help the Feng Shui in this room."

Mega Man II - Heat Man's Stage

Dude's name is Heat Man guys. This guy gets a robo-boner every time the thermostat goes over 100, so I'm sure he keeps his lair pretty toasty. Also, this level is entirely a long hallway that leads to a dead end. So every time he wants to go out to get some Flamin' Hot Cheetos or something, he's got to go through this long series of lava pits and disappearing platforms.

"Whose dumbass idea was this?"

Earthworm Jim - What the Heck?

This level is exactly as hot as Hell. It's technically supposed to be the planet Heck, but it's filled with lawyers and elevator music so it's not exactly subtle. Jim seems to have little trouble with the heat. I skipped Worm Biology class (probably while wearing a leather jacket and riding a motorcycle. No class can contain me, man) but I'd say worms are cold-blooded. If his body temperature is regulated by his surroundings, I'd think he'd explode pretty quickly. There's no accurate statistics for how hot Hell is, but the Bible does tell us:

Kevin 2:12
Jesus Christ you guys, it's so fucking hot down here. 

So, you know, there's that. 

The only thing I can imagine to be hotter is a level that takes place on the surface of the Sun.

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