Thursday, September 26, 2013

Top Bananas # 7: The Top Ten Pairs of Boobs in Current Gen Gaming.

Promises were made. Promises were made and subsequently broken; no, not only broken, but smashed, destroyed and quite possibly obliterated, just last month the Top Bananas team were offering our sincere (mostly) apologies for unforeseen delays in the research and development, and publication, of our gaming-related top ten lists. It depresses us to inform you that we are once more sitting here enveloped in sadness, awash with the misery of failure and aghast at the realisation that we must apologise again for further unforeseen delays (which may, or may not, relate to the release of GTA V). So, here it is; this is the beating heart of a team with nothing left to give, hold it sweetly in your hand, don’t squeeze too hard: We are sorry for the delay! There, we did it. Phew. KaPow. Zing. Bosh. Whooo!



Apologies over, now we can get to the meat of the… Uh… The meat of the… Hmm… We’re not really sure where to go with that sentence, so let’s just leave it at that. AND CONTINUE. To infinity and… Erm… Ok, so we have established that you enjoy gaming-related top ten lists, after all, why else would you be reading this? Hey, you better not be grooming us, you dirty bastard. Armed with the knowledge that you enjoy gaming-related top ten lists, the crack team of investigative journalists at Top Bananas HQ (just off the freeway, next to Stark Tower) has deduced that there is at least a 50% chance that you also enjoy boobies. Hey, they don’t pay us the big bucks for nothing.

With that in mind, and also because it’s Thursday (roughly translates as boob-day 4) this month’s Top Bananas brings you a celebration of gaming-related boobery. You will be pleased to know that man boobs (moobs, you n00b) will not feature in the main run-down, as some previous feedback has hinted at there being no logical thought behind these gaming-related top ten lists. So, a victory for logic; moobs are not boobs, as they are moobs, and thus are not in the list. Anyway, we feel that this is racist, and so, for your enjoyment (and as an amuse-douche to the real list) here are a bunch of gaming-related moobs:

Moobs.

Topical moobs.

Wrestling moobs.

Seriously, WTF moobs.

Old school moobs.

Well, that was fun, wasn’t it?

So, on to the main meat of the… For fuck’s sake… On to the beef of the… On to the… Shit… Um… Here is the list, standard one per-franchise rules apply (come on, DoA and Soul Calibur are kinda cheating).

The Top Ten Pairs of Boobs in Current Gen Gaming.

10. Juliet – Lollipop Chainsaw.

Those boobs just murdered a zombie.

A nice pair; ideal for a picnic, or a long walk in the park; they go well with a dry red and most certainly must be cared for according to the manual.  These make the list for the amount, and variety of costumes to envelope them in. The particular favourite of the Top Bananas team is:

Classic boob-tube (I think).

9. Catwoman – Arkam City.

Is that a Batcannon in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?

We have a query, if this character’s name is Catwoman, does that mean her boobs are catboobs? If so, is this better or worse than regular boobs? If Catwoman has catboobs then Batman must have a batpenis (undoubtedly better than a regular penis; being rich and good with gadgets and all), do you agree or has this just gone too far? Regardless of your stance on the epistemological reasoning behind whether Catwoman has catboobs or not, you must be able to enjoy such a nice bosom.

Notable mention: Harley Quinn

Boobie-busting through walls.

8. Citra – Far Cry 3.

If you want more, a simple Google image search provides 1,000,000,000,000 less-clothed versions.

This is in no way, shape or form positive discrimination. These strawberry creams are a delight, and compared with some of the headlights on this list at least follow known rules of gravitational pull. And let’s face it, there isn't much else of that calibre on that island.

7. Miranda – Mass Effect.

Slightly lopsided, but no matter.

Nice melons! Genetically engineered for our enjoyment, these sweater puppies have brought many a smile to many a gamer. Notable mention - EDI:

Bossy, electroboobs.

6. Kitana – Mortal Kombat.

Bewbs.

What is it with fighting games and boobs? Is it a rule that all fighting games have to include massive mammaries? It’s difficult to follow the logic; here, read this totally real comment from a developer: ‘[These] males are good at fighting therefore they should have good abs, and massive six-packs, yeah? Same with the females; they are good at fighting so they need huge tits’.

5. Catherine – Catherine.

He wore that T-shirt for days. DAYS! Dirty swine. Hey, this is about boobs. Ignore that previous comment. Focus on the lady parts.

These were the muse for this list. As fine a pair of bra dumplings you are likely to see until next gen, unfortunately they lack the political clout, or star-power of other entries on this list, and so have been relegated to the mid-point of this perverted list. Still though, as far as naughty pillows go these are a fine example, and possibly preferable to Katherine’s hooters – what say you?

4. Triss – Witcher 2.

Long neck.

These make the list for the way in which they are revealed during that bathing scene; a glorious example of gaming funbags. By the way, a search for Triss Merigold on Google returns ONE non-naked picture. ONE.

3. Kasumi / Lei Fang – Dead or Alive.

Massive flamingos.

Twin turbo.

Alright, you caught us with our pants down; that one per-franchise thing was bollocks. But, come on, could you choose between these 2 (4)? No, well neither could we. To be honest it took 3 hours to whittle it down to 2 pairs from the bevvy of DoA gazongas, and we’re not even sure that we’re happy with the end result. No, wait. We are. Those are 4 excellent chest potatoes.  

2. Lara – Tomb Raider.

More rounded than pointy - gaming progress!

You dirty, anorak wearing simpleton; you thought these would be number one, numero uno, didn't you? Well, you’re wrong, aren't you? Sorry, let us stop condescending and abusing your sweet innocence and explain what is surely a clerical error of some sort. The reason Lara comes in second place is due to the triangular nature of her early boob iterations. Sure, the latest pair was very nice, but aside from the fame of being the first ladies of gaming boobies, there isn't really much going for those Saturn-era chesticles, unless of course you like boobs to come with a side of stabbing, and pain. So. Much. Pain.

1. Ivy – Soul Calibur.

Newton was wrong, these orbs defy gravitational pull.

Notable mention for Taki:

Ninja boobs; at least 60% her body weight - stealthy!

BUT, overall Ivy’s are the winner. They win the award for most offensive, most sexist, and thus most excellent, portrayal of boobs in gaming. Those babylon’s defy everything physics has taught us, and that, mon ami, is a damn good thing.


So, we hope you have enjoyed each pair, and that you still have at least an ounce of dignity left – we have none. It is official, the maturity level of the Top Bananas team has reached minimum. Eject! Eject! Eject! 

6 comments:

  1. What do you mean sexist?

    That's not even a thing!

    ReplyDelete
  2. 42 including the moobs

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's 42 instances of awesome then!

      Delete
    2. Gorilla Sector: Navigating The Inter-sector MarketOctober 3, 2013 at 8:11 PM

      I'm sorry, I couldn't understand what you said. Please use proper punctuation if you plan to comment in the Top Banana section, damned son of a bitch.

      Delete
  3. Gorilla Caught In Massive Intermarket Sector SpreadOctober 3, 2013 at 8:07 PM

    Say, what's the deal with sluts these days. "Oh these pesky children I keep having are interfering with my plan to have sex with everyone"

    ReplyDelete