Friday, August 2, 2013

Top Bananas #6 - The Top Ten Cubes in Gaming (may or may not contain cubes).

First things first, the Top Banana’s team would like to set the record straight. We have not been off revelling in the joy of the witty repartee, nor have we been sidelined with a niggling hamstring injury. We have just been lazy. The Top Banana’s team, and we use team in the least literal sense, has been vacationing in luxury, sipping cocktails, and lounging in hammocks under palm trees whilst simultaneously laughing at the desperation of our fan, as he squirms in nerdy anger at the lack of mildly entertaining and wholly unimportant top ten lists. Alas, now we are back, and having secreted ourselves back into the office, we are ready to impart more unwanted gaming top tens on the Internet nation. 

This is how we spent July.

It was a long month July, hotter than Satan’s big toe and twice as lascivious as your mate Dan’s aunt, Claudia. All is well in the world though, as August is here, and with August comes the increased chance of a decent Phil Fish pun, why no one has used the words ‘hook’ and ‘line,’ or indeed ‘sinker’ is beyond our grasp.

Try my new recipe for Beer battered Fish!

August also sees this foray into the mind of madness come to fruition, this revival of the ass-crack of gaming frivolity; a run-down of the top ten cubes in gaming! What, you might ask, is a cube? Well, for starters it isn’t a cup, and nor is it celebrity chef extraordinaire Guy Fieri. 

Not a cube.

Does it really even matter what a cube is? No? Good. There are many cubes (!) in gaming. In fact, everything is gaming is pretty much a cube (citation needed), but in the interest of fair play and racial prejudice this list only considered cubes that can be seen with the naked eye. In other interests of fairness, the Top Banana’s team spent a good deal of our research budget on discovering exactly what the word ‘naked’ means. For the purpose of control, we furiously researched the words ‘naked’ and ‘women.’ Needless to say, a large amount of serious data was compiled, and shall be used in future Top Banana’s installments, providing of course that the NSA (Naughty Secrets are ours Agency) hasn’t covered us in flashy yellow ribbons and thrown away the key.

And so it is that we bring you to the list. Let’s face it, this is why you came here, this is the sole reason you clicked yourself onto this page: And for what? A top ten list of cubes? Regretting clicking that link, aren’t you?

10. Croc’s nose / head (Croc)

Don't even try to tell me that isn't a cube.

As young ‘uns this graphical faux pas irritated us to no end. Everything about Croc was cubic, but most annoyingly so, his nose. If I had asked you, as a young ‘un, which part of a crocodile least resembled a cube, you would say its nose. There is no argument there. A croc’s nose should never, never ever, never never ever, be a cube. But, in this case it was. Looking back, we can see the error of our ways. Not only was this a fantastic game, but it contained many glorious examples of cubage; most importantly, Croc’s nose. 

9. Pyramid Cubes (Qbert)


The Top Bananas team has never claimed to be intelligent; in fact, we are the type of people who write ‘yes, please’ on insurance forms merely asking for our sex. As a result of this built in stupidity, this innate dumbassery, we weren’t particularly good at Qbert. Failure to progress past the first puzzle hasn’t dulled our enthusiasm for this fun little game, and one day we shall gazump that bastard pyramid and plant a flag of victory at the top. One. Day. 

8. Pong ‘ball’ (Pong)

Poetic, no?

It’s a ball, yet without circularity.
Alas, each mumbling fatality
Of the bounce, we need affect.
The trajectory offers no respect.
Oh you, definable cube
Must study physics, you silly boob.

7. Floor Cubes (Legend of Zelda)

Quick, hide, before someone says it's a hidden swastika!

Everyone loves floor cubes; especially floor cubes that sometimes moonlight as unassailable wall cubes. 

6. Natalya’s shoulders (Goldeneye)


Nothing says cube quite like 90s female power shoulders. In case you were wondering, the same retailer that sold Natalya her outfits now works exclusively with Hilary Clinton, who seems to be trying to make up for Bill’s indiscretions by winning the not-at-all-made-up world’s biggest shoulders award. 


5. Paul Phoenix’s hair (Tekken)

Now that is how you explode an elbow.

This entry was going to be Guile until we remembered about Paul Phoenix. This hairstyle is coming back into fashion (did it ever really leave?), just the other day the big boss himself, Papa Luchalma, sauntered past the Top Bananas offices (they are very close to the toilets) sporting a cubic, and very high Phoenix-esque quiff. It made the tea ladies wiggle with joy, and altered at least one intern’s sexual orientation.

4. Cube Cube (Tetris)

Artist's reconstruction.

Is this even a cube? Can a 2D object be a cube? Are any of these entries cubes? Questions only a genius sage can answer. 

3. Brick Cube (Minecraft)

This one is definitely a cube.

Ahh, the brick cube. Has anyone actually made this yet? Like, really made it? No, I mean seriously made it? No, creative mode doesn’t count. What the hell kind of ingredients even make this thing anyway. OK, serious question – is this cube actually real, or is it like the Yeti in GTA? 

2. Companion Cube (Portal)

I'd 'do' this before Natalya!

Haha, sucker. Bet you thought this would be number one. Well, it isn’t. But, it is a damn good example of a cube. 

1. Question Mark Cube (Mario)

The flying one is the coolest question mark cube.

OK. So, this had to win. RIGHT? The cube to end all cubes. Started out as a 2D cube – hey, shut it! Wikipedia says that anything even remotely resembling a square is a cube (citation most definitely needed) - and later morphed into an actual 3D cube! Was cool in the 90s; is still cool now. This is a prime example of how, and when, to cube.

So… Top Bananas returns with a bang, or at least enough fizzle to warrant a teeny tiny grin followed by crushing despair and regret. Ahh well, at least you won’t have to read this for the first time ever again! :D 

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