Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Top Bananas # 4 - The Top Ten Video Game Cities for Dwelling.

Been a while since the last Top Bananas... I heartily apologise to my adoring fan.

Let's get ready to Banananananumble!

... Uh...

Games are awesome.

That is a fact.

No, really it is - don't sit there, with your terrible hair and your stupid face, and tell me that fact is opinion when it is, in fact, fact. Games are awesome, and there are many awesome things in games.

All 6 of these are awesome.
Ahem. Those are, indeed, awesome, but www.bewaretherobotsquad.com is hardly the place for such frivolity.

And so it is that I present to you, dearest reader, a very serious and highly philosophical insight into the world of gaming, or more accurately the worlds in gaming (well, sort of). This Top Bananas aims to delight the senses, and stimulate the brain (while at the same time gently cupping the balls) with a rundown of the ten video game cities (and towns) that would make for lovely places to live.

Spoilers for Fable, KotOR, Jade Empire and probably others - but definitely those.

In reality, a city is a place for people to go when they desire the finer things in life; to be yelled at by kids, stared at by old people, or smoked at, and possibly farted on. Towns are like cities, but smaller (I never knew), and are generally full of those too ugly to achieve acceptance in a city. By contrast video game cities are hives of culture, havens of energy and creativity, and breeding pools for wisdom and knowledge. No gamer dislikes stumbling upon an as yet undiscovered city, or town. It is one of the most rewarding and breathtaking aspects of modern day video games.

It's like I'm really there!
There are many fantastic cities in games; Liberty City, the Venice and Rome as replicated in the Assassin's Creed series, Rapture, the deliciously dark Santa Monica from Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines, and Silent Hill to name a few... But, those are hardly places anyone would want to live. The following ten cities (and towns, possibly even villages if you are lucky) were selected not for their architecture, grandeur, size, openness, or even their impressive vistas; they were chosen as places suitable for dwelling.

10 - Rivet City - Fallout 3.

Entering a city on a moving walkway - Freud would have a field day.

Who would want to live there? I hear you cry... Well, me. Obviously. Um... Anyway, I have my reasons: Rivet City is an oasis in the middle of madness, it is protection and community in a world with few values. Sure, it's a little dingy... And the walkway would get annoying, and living that close to so many people could irritate, but it offers safety, and most importantly has a bar. Imagine the joy of sitting at the bar after a hard day's questing / looting / murdering. Imagine swapping stories with all the other residents. Imagine how awesome it would be to live in what is basically a massive land boat in the middle of the nuclear aftermath ocean.

It's like someone took a picture of my soul and then turned it into pure bliss.

9 - Tokyo (Shinjuku Ward) - Yakuza.

One of the first game cities I fell in love with... I really need to play the newer Yakuza games!

Yakuza boasts a lively city, full of fun things to do. It feels like a real city, and captures the essence of the bustling, and slightly seedy, Tokyo underbelly. Love motels, hostess bars, dirty nightclubs; they're all there, and they're all places that I, as a fictional gangster, would like to frequent. I regret that I haven't had the chance to play any of the current gen Yakuza games... They are on my list - as soon as I win that pumpkin growing competition, they're mine! I would also like to give a shout out to Sleeping Dogs for a bloody brilliant recreation of Hong Kong. Another bustling Asian metropolis that makes you feel like you are there. Yakuza wins, if only for being so much older... 

Aww, now I want gelato.

8 - Clock Town - Majora's Mask.

With Far Cry 3 drug mode enabled.

Ahh, Clock Town. I like Clock Town, and I could see myself retiring to the Southern district with a nice view of the clock, just a short walk from the entertainment section and that lovely park. It has a really cosy feel to it, and is full of life. Colourful and busy and teeming with things to do and see. Much like the game it exists in Clock Town is an oft-overlooked gem (of a town).

It's Tingle's birthday, quick set him on fire.

7 - Oakvale - Fable.

Your health is low.

Oakvale is (I suppose was would be more suitable) beautiful, and that is why it is on this list. A lovely town, which is sadly now but a memory. A rural, quaint and stunning farming town, Oakvale would have been the perfect home away from home, for a weekend retreat or a quiet retirement. It feels fresh, and instills in the player a desire to settle, to ignore those pesky heroic urges and to find a nice farmgirl/boy to uh... Touch.

Sexual tension.

6 - Nos Astra - Mass Effect 2.

I climaxed.
"Holy fuck," said everyone upon placing their eyes on the beauty that is Nos Astra. Holy fuck, indeed, Nos Astra is the dream home of any and every science fiction aficionado. Sure, Shepard had that nice apartment (ME DLC - stinking capital letters), and we would all like to stay on Omega for at least one month, but Nos Astra is just perfect. It is the capital city of Illium, and we all know what that means; it's populated by billions of gyrating Asari-chicks. Also Gianna lives there... So... It's awesome. As with all great cities it has been lovingly recreated on Minecraft - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7jd6kMoeB_E - although a little sterile (as with all Minecraft creations) this goes to show the love that some people have for the beauty that is Nos Astra.

Holy FUCK!

5 - Jedi Enclave (Dantooine) - Knights of the Old Republic.
Not pictured: Cool jedi stuff.

I would give all of my liver, half of my ass, and at least one ball to live on Dantooine, specifically in the Jedi Enclave pre-destruction. I would spend my days teaching Bastilla exactly how to use my lightsaber. :) And my nights either hunting wild beasts with Juhani or hunting Juhani. The peace and love of the Jedi order would ensure that my time on Dantooine was one full of... Uh... Peace and love. Although I would definitely avoid those douchebag farmers and their petty 'family war'.

Dantooine: Thankfully not home to the worst Sith Lord ever.

4 - Hillys City - Beyond Good and Evil.
The Venice of the video game world (well, apart from Venice).

A beautiful city reminiscent of Venice (yes, because of the water) and full of weird pig dudes (well, maybe not full of). Hillys City is rather uninspired in that it is known as the City and is the capital of Hillys. Pfft. Lazy assed developers. I would like a home near the pedestrian area. Somewhere, I can work during the day, yet still be close to all the entertainment; those races are, to use an internet word, epic!


3 - Seafront - NiER.
The most stressful fishing experience ever happened here.

I like water, I enjoy fishing (I think, never actually done it), I like nice views, fish is tasty, and lighthouses are cool. If it had more kung-fu or bars it would be perfect. It boasts one of the better songs in a game often praised for cracking songs (in my opinion of course), and is just a lovely place to visit. I found myself wandering around the Seafront more than any other areas, mostly just looking at stuff - a beautiful place. The locals worship seals as well, which I can get behind. 

All hail!

2 - Flotsam - The Witcher 2.

Brothel, you say?

Bars, brothels, and stunning scenery. I need say no more.

Flotsam operates a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy...

1 - Two Rivers School - Jade Empire. 

Heavenly retirement.

I would be happy here. Relaxing, learning some kung-fu, sparring, relaxing, using my new kung-fu to kick stuff, and more relaxing. This town (village / hamlet / series of huts) is perfect in every single way. It has a cool lion statue, Dawn Star, Lin, a bunch of kung-fu and beauty. Who wouldn't want to wile away the hours of life in those surroundings. 

Again, pre-destruction. What the hell developers, why do you keep making such lovely cities / towns and then ruining them

I hate you.


*Runs away*

Thank you for reading... Hopefully the next Top Bananas won't take quite so looooooooooong!


  1. GREENVALE bitches!

    I'd drive Sigourney's crazy ass and her pot all OVER that town.

    1. Ahh... I have yet to fully experience Greenvale - it is on the list though!!! I promise. :)

  2. Yokosuka, Kanagawa -Shenmue
    Most Final Fantasy cities
    Glad to see Nier though.

  3. Cool list.

    You should do a top 10 worst cities to dwell in.