Retroulette #35: Evel Knievel

For those of you who skipped History of Badassery in school, Evel Knievel was a man who jumped over things on a motorcycle while dressed like Elvis' more kickass brother.

If this ain't the tightest shit you've seen all day, you've somehow seen a T-rex roundhouse kick an airplane.

Clearly a man of this distinction must be paid tribute. There's no better way I can think of than a licensed Game Boy Color game.

Yeah yeah yeah, copyright screens and whatnot. Wait.

Really?

This was a few years before that name implied anything good, so it is probably wise to assume this game isn't a gritty, dramatic portrayal of the jumps unjumped that haunted Evel throughout his life. Next we see-

Again, that's very likely not true.

We've seen these two together before. I've played far worse Muppets games than the Game Boy Color one, but I've yet to play a more difficult one. If "make them cry" is their mantra when making a game about time traveling puppets, I can scarcely imagine what they were thinking when making this game.


The title screen is a good start. It features a rocket powered Evel Knievel and is appropriately American-as-hell.

"Gravity can kiss my aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssss!"

The game offers me the option to practice, but that's clearly Pussy Mode. I'm going to jump right into the action like I know Evel would want me to.

The game gives you the choice of daredeviling in such locations as Las Vegas, Hollywood, London and San Fransisco. As always, I pick whatever requires the least button presses.

After that you have to set up your bike, and I have no idea what any of this shit does so I ignore it.

Speed? What the hell does that mean? Sandra Bullock is a terrible actress.

So I start the game and, well, this happens.

And that's it. You're done. Evel dies and men crowd around your lifeless body wondering why you would drive full speed into a wall.

It just came out of nowhere.

So that didn't go so well. The Game Boy has like two buttons, so I'm pretty confidant I can figure this game out. Pressing the B button makes Evel turn around, but that doesn't seem to help so much.

Blunt force trauma to the front or the back of your head, YOUR CHOICE!

After a few more failures, I realize you gotta take it reeeeeeal slow to not die instantly. There's a long ramp that flips you backwards and it's simply impossible to land it.

Top: Attempt #1, Above: Attempt #300

This shit is ridiculous. I swallow my pride and make my way over to the practice mode so that perhaps I could last more than five seconds in the very first level of the game.

Unfortunately, the practice mode is the fail as many times as you want kind instead of the teach you how to play the damn game kind. You're given all sorts of ramps and jumps to hit your head on.

I really feel like this head injury is improving my skills.

To simulate how this game handles, go watch a video of someone playing Trials Evolution with a controller in your hand. 

I can't tell if Tarantula Studios is just a terrible developer or if children's tears give them a boner, but either way shit is too hard.

In this game, Evel is either dead, or a few seconds from being dead. If the fire doesn't get him, he'll run into the Game Boy Color wall and explode.

This game forces you to go slow and think about your actions ahead of time. Does that sound like a fitting game for a man that holds the world record for most broken bones?