Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Top Bananas # 3 - What The Heck?

Welcome, dear readers, to the latest Top Bananas! This edition deviates ever so slightly from the traditional top ten format that you have grown to loathe, and detest. I ask for your sincerest patience and good will in this period of transition, and trust that you will open your mind to the treasures within...


I wonder what delectable secrets Top Bananas # 3 will contain.

Since joining the wonderful www.bewaretherobotsquad.com I have been catapulted into the limelight; literally billions of screaming women line up to watch me as I buy a chocolate bar at lunchtime, or check that my car is adequately parked (it is, every time – yet I still check). Just last night I was in a nameless supermarket, buying nameless products when; suddenly, 50 bras struck me. When I woke from the temporary loss of consciousness (bra-damage) I was met with 50 topless screaming women, and some very naked (and also very happy to see me) men. What happened next is not suitable for the younger members of this site, nor is it a memory that I wish to further explore. It has been quite difficult for me to handle these changes, and for a while there I really thought it was too much. I was ready to quit this rock ’n’ roll life;  I had my notice ready (and very, very well-written) and was just about to knock on the boss’ (solid gold, by the way) door, when I was saved by an angel. 

Damnit, I said 'saved' by an angel.

Okay, so it wasn’t a real angel, but I can be forgiven for thinking so; with gorgeous white teeth reminiscent of dentistry school advertising, a face that betrays no emotion, and the most beautiful tight black t-shirt I have ever laid eyes on, he certainly looked angelic. He is the reason I am writing this (very, very well-written) article, and for that I am truly thankful. So, you ask; just who was it that saved Banana Mana? Who was it that saved the Internet from the fate of not having Top Bananas? It was none other than Simon Cowell.

What a n00b.
You see, as I was walking towards Sir Luchalma’s massive gold door, monsieur Simon Cowell was walking past – apparently on his way to offer Edward W. Unds a recording contract; yes, as unlikely as it sounds, it appears than Senor Unds has the voice (and tits) of an eighteen year old hot chick. Anyway, as Cowell-san passed me he saw the despair, horror, and anguish, in my eyes. He, being the gentleman that he is, invited me for coffee, and the rest is history. Sort of. I mean history as in I’m about to explain it – so future history. Kind of. 

As Cowell, or Sim (pronounced S-ai-Im) to his friends, and I chatted a thought formed in my mind. A thought so damn good that it would break the Internet. And so it is, my friends, that Sim and I became partners. We set about developing my genius idea... And now we present to you, the top ten videogame characters RE-IMAGINED as boy band members. Apologies in advance… If you dislike the back-story that I have expertly crafted here, you may wish to view this article as a standalone rundown of the top ten pretty-boy game characters… :P


Don't tell me this doesn't excite you.

Name: Vaas Montenegro (the tattooed bad-boy one) - Far Cry 3.
Age: 27.
Dancing Style: Back flips galore: This motherfucker knows how to move. As the resident bad boy he is well versed in street dance, rapping and standing with his hands in his pants.
Talents: Melting panties, angry staring, posing with nonchalance, and getting into trouble on Twitter.
Likes: Flirting with 30 something mothers at concerts, a good brie, whoring around, table tennis, back flips, murder.
Dislikes: Cushions.
Personality: Brash, but romance able; Vaas once tipped a waitress $5000 because she smelled right. An arrogant bastard, but that’s cool – all the ladies love arrogance; Vaas once made Oprah climax (publicly, and rather messily) by merely saying hello.
Ideal Dinner Date: The Pussycat Dolls – all at once.
Philosophy: Ink ‘n’ bitches.


Quick, somebody do me.

Name: Wei Shen (the Asian one) – Sleeping Dogs.
Age: Born in 1984.
Dancing Style: B-boy to the max, Wei loves to flip, grip and rip.
Talents: A fully trained martial artist, Wei trains hard, plays hard, and humps ass even harder.
Likes: Sausages, teabagging n00bs, b-boy sex parties, twilight – especially the dog guy.
Dislikes: The man, man. Big corporations sucking the life out of the middle class. White people dancing.
Personality: A laid back dude, Wei is a fan of martial arts and loves to incorporate Asian things into his dance routines. He is confident, but also caring; he once nursed a dead orang-utan back to life using mystical Eastern techniques.
Ideal Dinner Date: The non-vampire once from Twilight.
Philosophy: Give a man a dick and he will eat for one day, but teach a man to dick and he will eat for a lifetime (taken from "Role-playing? This ain't no role." The brilliant autobiography by RobotSquad resident RPG).

Ugh, what a douchebag.

Name: Snow Villiers (the fat, ugly, stupid one) – Final Fantasy XIII.
Age: 21. Twenty fucking one.
Dancing Style: Less of a dance, more of a wobble.
Talents: Snow is the everyman of the group; where others boast abs chiselled from the finest silks, mouths that can accommodate entire cucumbers, and adamantium eyes, Snow represents the mundane; the regular Joe who pays £4 for a coffee in Starbucks, who eats limp, watery, room temperature sandwiches bought from the depressed looking divorcee at the local corner shop, and who sits at home, alone, of an evening yanking it to music video channels whilst eating cheese flavoured crispy snacks.
Likes: Eating, complaining, and enticing children to his love den.
Dislikes: Taking his shirt off, showering with band mates after concerts, free drinks, thongs, doing the dishes in a loincloth.
Personality: Snow lives to learn, he enjoys being a role model for fat kids everywhere – if he can make it so can they! Snow once ate 1,000 hotdogs solely to show that young children can make their dreams come true if they really try hard or something.
Ideal Dinner Date: Hillary Clinton.
Philosophy: Big is beautiful.

Slightly off-topic, but I had to include this:




Name: Raiden (the girly looking one) - Metal Gear Solid 2.
Age: Born in the 1980s (apparently)
Dancing Style: Faux new-age crip-hop (yes, it is made up - at least I hope it is).
Talents: Raiden enjoys crocheting, and hopes to build a career in politics, where he plans to champion world peace.
Likes: Being trendy, talking about his feelings, coffee shops, Life of Pi, Farmville.
Dislikes: War, crime, sadness, disease, poverty, choking, Mondays, women, Chinese food.
Personality: Raiden loves life, he walks to the beat of his own drum; if he wants to enjoy Glee, he will damn well enjoy it (he fucking loves it).
Ideal Dinner Date: Bono.
Philosophy: Orange-mocha frappacino!!!


While you're down there.

Name: Luis Sera (the Hispanic one) – Resident Evil 4.
Age: Born in 1976.
Dancing Style: Flamenco.
Talents: Luis is a serious man, he dances seriously, and he flamencos seriously. He spends his free time writing poetry about butterflies, and one day hopes to collect these poems into one epic song – destined to be a future number 1 (whatever that is / does).
Likes: Wearing flowery shirts, taking long sensual baths, rugby players’ legs.
Dislikes: Germans, sneezing, replacing batteries in remotes.
Personality: Luis is a leader; he exudes confidence and leaks sexuality. He once danced with a bull and won. He brings much needed Hispanic flair to the group and astounds with his vibrant flamenco solos, and tight-fitting, penis-hugging pants.
Ideal Dinner Date: Salma Hayek.
Philosophy: It takes two to tango.



Name: Brucie Kibbutz (the ex-con one) – GTAIV.
Age: Born in 1977.
Dancing Style: Hip-hop; angry-rap-walking.
Talents: Brucie is a sex machine. Size, weight, age, and looks – he doesn’t care; if you paid for a ticket, he’ll take you backstage (in more than one way).
Likes: A big booty.
Dislikes: Everything else.
Personality: Brucie spends his days flipping people off, and rapping at strangers in the park. He spent 15 years in the joint for punching 50 cent with bullets. As unhinged, as he is handsome, Brucie adds an extra dimension to the group, and grabs headlines faster than a drunken senator with a camera phone.
Ideal Dinner Date: The hot sister from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
Philosophy: Shoot first, pay later.

Walking right into your hearts.
Name: Leon Kennedy (the floppy-haired-git one) – Resident Evil 4
Age: Born in 1977.
Dancing Style: A little capoeira mixed with some traditional white guy moves.
Talents: Leon’s main talent is his hair; a coiffured mix of sex juice and vanilla coke, Leon’s hair has made women out of many a teenaged girl.
Likes: Open-planned living spaces, horror movies, wearing pyjamas in the afternoon, pillow fights.
Dislikes: Using public restrooms, sushi, non-floppy hair.
Personality: Leon is a straight shooter, he will always tell you what’s on his mind. Men love him, and women want to be him (yes, that’s what I meant). His floppy hair wipes clean, so any ‘accidents’ won’t cause much trouble.
Ideal Dinner Date: George Clooney circa E.R.
Philosophy: That shitty Forest Gump quote that everyone loves.


He's British? How did you know?
Name: Eliot (the kiddie-looking one) – Dead or Alive 5.
Age: Don’t ask, don’t tell. I jest, he's 18... All legal baybeeee.
Dancing Style: Juvenile, but cute – easy and mimic able.
Talents: The cutest face in the group; Eliot is loved by cradle-hungry moms and training bras alike. His face sells t-shirts by the truck load; and his intact virginity and abstinence pleas reign in the religious… Cha-ching... $$$ 
Likes: Creed, sneakily watching r-rated movies while his parents’ sleep, Oreo cookies and milk, pretending to be gangster online, swag, yolo, etc....
Dislikes: Being touched by Snow, broccoli, eating at the dinner table, Internet passwords.
Personality: Naïve; this youngster is all set for a cocaine fuelled, prostitute baiting, fall from fame.
Ideal Dinner Date: Angelina Jolie.
Philosophy: It ain’t easy being cheesy.


Love me sexy.

Name: Sephiroth (the rock/goth one) – Final Fantasy VII.
Age: Unknown - because some developers are just lazy.
Dancing Style: I really wanted to say that he dances in a way not unlike Mick Jagger, but that stupid, stupid song ruined it for me. You know the one with those Maroon 5 cunts.
Talents: He charms, flips his hair and eye-fucks all over the place; Sephiroth is a demon on the axe, and has a tongue that makes Gene Simmon’s tongue look like a worm, a BABY worm.
Likes: Hair, metal, hair-metal, guitars, leather trousers, rage.
Dislikes: Clouds, scissors, non-metal things, karaoke, doing taxes, short hair, happiness.
Personality: As sultry as he is gloomy, and as broody as he is long-haired, Sephiroth may be the quiet one, but when unleashed on stage he explodes in a bevvy of colourfully lust-inducing moves and seduces rampantly with his gyrating pelvis.
Ideal Dinner Date: David Bowie.
Philosophy: I wonder if I can put this inside her?


No, that's not my knife. I am pleased to see you.

Name: Gabriel Belmont (the piano-whizz one) – Castlevania: Lords of Shadow.
Age: Born in 11th century, so fairly old.
Dancing Style: Stereotypical drunk guy shuffle; the dance of uncles everywhere.
Talents: He blitzes the piano, like a cat on acid chasing a mouse that doesn’t exist.
Likes: Pianos, playing piano, piano music, sitting at pianos, wanking.
Dislikes: Being thought of as a boy band member first, and a piano player second, tuna, ugly people winning things, political discourse.
Personality: He plays piano, well. Not really much else to say – bit boring really.
Ideal Dinner Date: Gary Barlow.
Philosophy: The piano is part of me, each key represents one centimetre of my penis; touch them play them, tease them. 




And there you have it; another few minutes of your precious life robbed by Top Bananas. I hope you have enjoyed it; I did have a (semi-)serious one ready, but didn’t like it… So, this is what you got... Perhaps the next Top Bananas will make some sense, perhaps not… Comment if you want, or don’t. Fuck you, anyway.


  1. I for one fucking loved it. ALL of it. Especially the hilarious and random dislikes.

  2. :)

    Thanks Jam!!!

    I'm particularly pleased that the Cowell pic made the thumbnail.

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