Sunday, April 7, 2013

Beware The Robot Squad Is One Year Old!

A year ago today I began an amazing journey. With the encouragement of a gloriously bearded friend, I decided to take the internet by storm with thoughtful, sophisticated videogame discourse.

Beware The Robot Squad: Classin' up the joint since 2012.

The very first article I wrote for the site was my ultimately futile attempt to make sense of the Gameboy game Bionic Battler. That process lead to the Retroulette experiment, which today remains both the longest running and least popular feature on BTRS.

Like any amazing website, Beware the Robot Squad has evolved over time to include many great features. Features like webcomics, which I produce at the speed of one-per-season. And Sequence Breaker, which we will never fucking speak of again. It's this work ethic that has helped Beware the Robot Squad spread like wildfire over these many months.

My favorite part of this whole production has been finding out how people make it to this site. Traffic sources have included such treasures as Google searches for "monkeys with mini guns", "the Jetsons fucking", and "dick ass fucking". This is helpful, as it reassures me that this site is fucking awesome (also that I should perhaps expand my vocabulary).

The best one, however, is the many people who have searched for a solution to an insultingly simple puzzle in Resident Evil 6, which leads them to an article that makes fun of anyone who would need to do that.

Toll the five bells loud and clear, and thus the true path shall appear. Ok, now, if you found this page by searching for that, let me be the one to tell you that you are a fucking idiot.

I could not do this alone. As the site matured, I have been fortunate to have talented contributors adding their own ingredients into this sexy internet stew. Here is what they have to say about the joy this site has brought into their lives.

RPG, the author of a helpful article on how to make shitty tablet gaming less shitty, and officially the site's number one fan:

Robot Blog. Never before has there been a more wretched hive of scum and villainy...

And that Star Wars reference is really the only reason to ever mention Robot Blog. Beyond the terrible bits involving completely made up bullshit ("Luchalma Lingo" and "Sticks of butter" need not be explained, just know they're as entertaining as a woman using teeth during a blowjob) and the worst reviews I've ever come across ("Black Ops 2. It's more of the same. HURR DURR I'M SO FUNNAY!"), the only reason I even remember Robot Blog exists is so that I have a point of reference for the internet equivalent of diarrhea.

....Ahem. I've just been reminded I've actually written articles for Robot Blog before. I'd forgotten about that, mostly because I repressed those memories and replaced them with one more pleasant: Trading in my Vita for a tablet.

Edward W. Unds; the mind behind an enviably well written and comprehensive series of retrospectives, offered this:

The story of how I started writing for Robot Blog is as fantastic as it is romantic. After one night of swearing angrily at all three viewers of my topics on some forum, he swept in and - I'll never forget the words he said - "Hey, wanna write for Robot Blog?" or something like that, I forget.
I could write some crazy analogy to demonstrate how the site works, I could portray Luchalma as some sort of Lorne Michaels, scouring the land for fresh talent for his Saturday Night Blog (which would play nicely to my ego by making me the late casted Bill Murray of this little outfit) but this thing is a lot more simple (and a lot less flattering to myself) than all that. Beware The Robot Squad is something I would read even if I wasn't writing for it. It's full of smart shit put together by smart people and it's just as wild and unkempt as it needs to be to be good. As far as I'm concerned, I'll be stapling my shitty cardboard house to this rocket ship and watching while Luchalma steers is smirkingly into the void... there, how's that for some whimsical ass mystical ass slick talk? That'll be twenty bucks.

When reached for comment BananaMana, the site's newest contributor, had this to say:


Embarrassingly enough, Jamirus2 said the exact same thing!

Major faux pas.

And finally, whether he be with floating orb of unlimited knowledge and wisdom or evincing lack of legal knowledge, Gorilla has been been a constant on BTRS from the very beginning. The winner of the Most Frequent Commenter award, and the runner up for the Comment of The Year award, granted us these kind words:

What is a year? For many, it's a hope.... a dream, if you will. For others, it is simply a signal... a signal that a new fiscal period draws near, perhaps? For us here at the Robot Blog, it is a gathering of friends, who write things down. We basically write things down, on the internet.

You know, when I was young, I had dreams of becoming successful. I used to watch movies like Ghostbusters, and Predator, and I had dreams of being accomplished, or "larger than life" if you will. Even today, I can still hear Bobby Brown telling me things like, "If it's up to us, we've got to take control", and "I think this is going to be another one of those funky ones"

But they used to tell me, "You're an idiot, you're never going to amount to shit."

Not to toot my own horn, but now look at me. Posting comments on basically EVERY single topic, on a well-known blog. Looks like the joke is on them, and I get the last laugh. Here's to another year of good friends, German advertisers, and entertaining articles to read.

Hear hear!

Thank you to anybody who has ever taken the time to look at anything on this site. See you in another year.

They're just so cute at this age.


  1. Hi, I'm a top level dance coach and my bus broke down outside while I'm looking for an inspirational video for these camera guys to film.

  2. Big Daddy FamirusApril 7, 2013 at 10:08 AM

    What the fuck is this. A birthday party with no strippers? Where's all the tittes and Bud Lights. I'm only going to say this once, so listen very carefully: Fuck you guys, fuck my brother Jamirus, fuck you Arucard and I want my lamp back, and fuck you guys.




    What does a year mean to me? Well I'll tell you. I basically started this site a year ago, and you two dweebs stole my idea from my desk. So I tried to help my little dorkwad brother out anyway, and I invested in this site. It has netted me literally ZERO profit, one fiscal year later.

    Good game, shit heads.

  3. You spelled "titties" wrong.

    But that was still more entertaining than the actual article.

  4. WTF so can somebody please tell me how to ring the bells?

  5. I really love Robot Blog...

    That would be my comment. Uh... Sorry - TT TT.

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