Saucy Mustard VS Steam #2: Bunch of Heroes

Continuing our series of playing games no one's ever heard of, today we have Bunch of Heroes. That's, of course, a very generic and nondescript name. And yet, it's the best title for this generic and nondescript game.

Bunch of Heroes is a 4 player co-operative dual joystick zombie shooter, and it sets itself apart from the dozens of similar games by being boring. The "Bunch" consists of four sloppy archetypes.

And Mr. T.

The cigar chompin' military man.

This nerd.

Asian Lara Croft.

Together, you are tasked with defending the world from an alien invasion zombies. In theory this sounds dynamic and exciting, in practice this means doing one of a few things:

• Killing a certain amount of enemies, which is boring, but not offensively annoying.
• Carrying some stupid cheerleader to safety, after she finds herself stranded in the middle of a lake or on Mars or some shit.
• Upon saving said bimbo, protecting her car for a minute. After the time elapses, everything dies. This makes none of the sense.
• Defending some dumb MacGuffin from a horde of enemies.
• Obliterating some dumb MacGuffin while also killing a horde of enemies.

Put down those pom-poms you dumb bitches, there's a crate of guns right there.

Like all zombie games, the enemies are an excuse to program "walk toward player" as their entire AI routine. Beside normal zombies are a few other enemies, like zombies that drip acid and ones that explode when they die (these ones are real assholes).

That's not to say that these enemies are trivial. Bunch of Heroes is hard as shit. Even on Easy, Bek and I managed to beat exactly one level. The enemies are dumb, but there's a lot of them. And though there's plenty of weapons, the vast majority are less effective than your default assault rifle. Health drops are infrequent and disappear if you don't pick them up after like 5 seconds. So you might want to save a health drop because your health isn't too bad, but then one fat zombie will blow up at you, and when you go to get the health it's too late. Your butter sticks are already gone.


But the biggest offense Bunch of Heroes puts forth is this:

 Ignoring the cutting edge remark for something that looks like a bootleg N64 game for a moment...

Bunch of Heroes' "great humor" takes the form of unspoken text quips your character will frequently throw out in response to various goings-on. Here are a few examples.

Now.

Look.

Humor is subjective. I get that. Some people watch Kevin James movies and have a great time. Good, fine, whatever. But I challenge you to find ONE person that would even smirk at any of the above jokes. ONE GODDAMN PERSON.

I'm done. I am so done.