The Golden Lotion Awards

As 2012 comes to a close, it is time to reflect and make sense of it all. What went wrong, what went right, what made you argue on message boards for weeks. 2012 is an interesting year, a year of transition. As some consoles lay dead or dying, new ones are born naked and crying. This was also the Year of the Downloadable Game. As we slide further and further into the 7th generation's twilight years, the Downloadable Game has provided fresh, new experiences for people bored of the AAA play-it-safe sequels.

Here are the winners of the 1st Annual Golden Lotion Awards...

Doomsdaycember Retroulette: Mad Max

There was a time, not long ago, when movie games were as common as a Rattata.

This symbol will always remind you of what you are you shitty Rattata..

As with today, they mostly sucked. But unlike today, they made a game for goddamn everything. In most cases it can melt your brain just trying to imagine who would ever want that game. No one ever received a copy of Beethoven's 2nd for the SNES outside of April Fools Day. If you got a copy of Home Alone 2 for the Genesis, it was only so your parents could laugh at your sobs until they told you your real present was still under the tree.

Mad Max doesn't have that problem.

A post-apocalyptic wasteland. Guns. Cars. Explosions. Making a game out of that has to be the easiest job ever, right? 93% of games are exactly that anyway.

If nothing else, Mad Max for the NES is a powerful reminder that no matter how sound a concept, being based on a movie means a game is by law required to gargle balls.

Doomsdaycember: Why You Should Play The Walking Dead

Last night was the Spike VGAs. The Walking Dead won GOTY, and it deserved it.

SPOILER ALERT: Some people are pissed.
SPOILER ALERT: The people that are pissed are ones that haven't played the game.

The Walking Dead isn't a game. It's not an interactive movie, either. It's an experience. You'd be doing yourself a disservice if you didn't at least try it out. I've finished the game twice now, and my thoughts on it have yet to change: This may very well be the best experience I've had with a game this generation.

Doomsdaycember: All Planets Gotta End Sometime

The end of the world. It's a plot device seen in a lot of games recently. It's understandable; the stakes are as high as can be, the consequences devastating. Why not go straight to the top with your threat?

Corrupt CEO Doúche Dickfacé wants to close the community center!? Huh. What a jerk.
Evil dictator Rasicto Carikatoor wants to blow up the whole world? FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

Never mind. Just Norway.

This opens plenty of narrative possibilities. Whether your characters are actively trying to prevent a doomsday event or simply trying to survive in the hellish aftermath, you got options.

For example, at any moment the end could come at the hands of....

End of the World EXTRAVAGANZA!

In case you have not heard, the Mayans decided the world is ending this month according to dumb people.

Well shucks. The Earth had a pretty good run I suppose. I'm declaring this month DOOMSDAYCEMBER. All month long (or until the 22nd, which allegedly won't exist I guess) we'll be taking a look at the end of the world, the apocalypse, Armageddon, the great cataclysm, Ragnarok.

I can't think of a better way to spend your last days!

Luchalma Lingo: Stick of Butter

Stick of Butter

A representation of one's life force.

"Oh man I only have one stick of butter left!"

----------

We continue my series of butter based vocabulary with probably the most used Luchalma Lingo word of them all.

Nowadays, it's chic to represent health in video games with unintrusive visual cues. Bloody screens, color fading, bruises and the like. But back in the day games did it right. And one game did it rightest of all.

Mega Man.

Look at that. No ambiguity there. A perfect column of sticks of butter to precisely convey just how close to fucked you are. It's so perfect, I refer to any form of health as sticks of butter.

Hearts?

Sticks of butter.

Pieces of chocolate?

Sticks of butter.

Honeycombs?

Sticks of butter.

Fucking numbers?

If I wanted an eyeful of digits I'd call one of the Three Stooges a knucklehead. Clearly there's a better way to do this.

Things might get a little complicated around level 50.

Nowadays it's a guessing game. Is my screen mostly red, or is it just kinda red? Not that it matters anyway. A few seconds behind that rock and it's back to factory fresh. 

That.......that's a whole other issue.

Retroulette #32: Mr. Chin's Gourmet Paradise

Does the fact that I knew this game was about a portly Asian man eating bowls of rice just by the title make me racist, or the developers?

REVIEW - Hitman: Absolution (360/PS3)

It's been a big year for assassins and hired killers. While the Corvos and Conners of the world flaunt their flashy newness to everybody who will pay attention, Hitman does what Hitman does best. It waits in the shadows for just the right time. Does Absolution sneak right on by never leaving a trace, or does it garrote its place into our hearts?

Mobile Gaming: What the hell is that?

Mobile gaming.

I'm not talking about handhelds, like the Nintendo DS, the Playstation Vita, or the NGage (Remember that?! Me neither).

Mobile gaming. Phones. Tablets.

I've had a Droid phone for about 6 months now, which means it's already outdated. I like it. All the fun little apps, the games, etc. Not bad. Certainly better than my Crunchberry that I had before it. But you get bored at work, maybe a long car ride, you look for stuff to pass the time. And there's some fun games on there good to waste a few minutes. Angry Birds _____ (Pick a noun, you'll likely find a game they made) seems to be the staple. But dig more, and you'll unearth a fountain of gaming you never thought possible... Allow me to explain.

REVIEW - Call of Duty: Black Ops II (360/PS3)

It's that time of year again. The leaves are changing colors, the weather is approaching ball-shriveling cold, and the ten ton behemoth that is Call of Duty is poised to grab the sales charts and climb the Empire State Building. The highly anticipated sequel to the highly anticipated sequel to the highly anticipated sequel to Call of Duty: Something or Other is now among us. Is this series becoming long in the tooth, or does Black Ops II take the formula to new heights.

Luchalma Lingo - Butter Pocket

Butter Pocket

A small bubble of smooth gameplay surrounded by choppiness.
An Oasis.

"I found a butter pocket. I never want to leave here."

----------


As a primarily console gamer, the idea of "60 frames per second" is largely a myth, spoken of only in hushed tones and written on arcane tablets. My experience with gaming is one in which a bit of jerky stuttering is not only expected, but customary. The spasming citizens of Crimetheft City 2000 are greeted like old friends.

On the rarest of occasions however, while playing my Powerpoint slideshow of a game, I will enter some ethereal void. One in which characters and objects move naturally, where birds don't twitch their way across the sky.

It's......it's beautiful.

This picture of an astonished baby is the best way to show how I feel at that moment.

At that point, I have two options. Stay in this beautifully smooth butter pocket for all eternity, or face life in the quivery world outside. Unfortunately, by its very definition, a butter pocket will be the point in the game with the least amount of interesting things onscreen.

So, as with life, you're forced to accept that you must move on instead of enjoying good things for even a little while.

This puts the butt in butter, am I right?
Hey...hey don't leave!

REVIEW - Halo 4 - Campaign (360)

Possibly no game in recent memory has had higher expectations placed upon it than Halo 4. Since its inception, the Halo franchise was the baby of Bungie Studios. Under that banner, the series defined first person shooters and console gaming as a whole. Now that Bungie has moved on to other things, it has been adopted by 343 Industries. Is there any way 343 can live up to that kind of lineage?

At the very least, these folks get Halo.

Don't Call it a Review - Assassins Creed III: Liberation (Vita)

The console version of Assassin's Creed III is great. For the Vita version, Ubisoft decided to do something a lil' different. It's separate from Desmond's story, and while the phrase "portable spin off" brings with it nightmarish implications, this game does Assassin's Creed on a handheld better than I imagined.

No Such Thing as a Good Videogame Movie: Mortal Kombat

Resident movie enjoyer and videogame movie hater Edward W. Unds dissects Mortal Kombat: the movie, and explains why everything you've ever loved is terrible and impure. So get your karate spirit fingers ready, because your soul certainly won't be.

Top 5 Spookiest Games of All Time - Luchalma Edition

You've seen what Jamirus thinks qualifies as "spooky games". But here's the difference between me and him: I'm easy as hell to scare.  I could be playing Kirby's Happy Funtime, but if I hear a baby crying, and I don't see a baby, that shit is getting turned right the hell off. If I'm walking through a dark hallway with a flashlight and I hear a door slam shut, DONE.

These are the games that not only prevented me from playing them, but prevented me from wearing dry pants.

 

REVIEW - Assassin's Creed III (360/PS3)

The Assassin's Creed series and I have a bumpy relationship. I liked the first game a lot, flawed though it was. The second game, however, evolved the gameplay so tremendously that after I had beaten it I declared it one of my favorite games of all time.

After that, Ubisoft saw dollar signs, and a duo of quick and dirty pseudo sequels were released. While not bad games, they stuck to the formula so closely that they retroactively diminished my enjoyment of Assassin's Creed II. I was Assassin's Creed'd out. What I wanted was a true sequel. A game that pushed the series forward the same way the second did.

Is this the game I've been waiting for?

Top 5 Spookiest Games of All Time. Jamirus style.

Games generally don't scare me. I can rush through Silent Hill like there's no tomorrow. However, there's some games out there that are just too scary to play. I always WANT to play them, but my heart palpitates, and I just can't turn on the system to play the game. Usually this results in me doing nothing for the rest of the day. Scary stuff, folks. Scary stuff.

But what games stop me in my video games tracks? I'm going to count down the 5 games that I just can't play and the very thought of them ruin the rest of my day, turning me into a honest to god potato.

Retroulette Special: Mansion of Hidden Souls

20 years ago today (well, as of this writing) the Sega CD was unleashed upon the world (well, North America). It....was not a massive success. It is largely remembered today for the ill-fated attempts at real life graphics™ achieved through low quality FMV. Like any system though, it has some hidden gems.

In the spirit of both the platinum anniversary of the Sega CD's release and of Halloween, I'm going to check out one of the Sega CD's few horror titles. Is this one of those aforementioned hidden gems, or is this game simply another Night Trap?

Then again, maybe that wouldn't be so bad....

Sequence Breaker - Silent Hill: Episode 1 (VIDEO)

It's that time of the year again, when the population celebrates that which frightens us the most. October is Halloween time, and with it brings the ghouls, ghosts, zombies, witches, sexy nurses, sexy teachers, sexy maids, sexy--



Ok, I lost my point somewhere in there.

Spooooooooooooooooooky.

Anyway, there's no better time of the year to appreciate a good horror game. So with that in mind, I decided to play the original Silent Hill for the first time and upload it for your boredom enjoyment.

I tend to place the Silent Hill games in two categories: The one with Pyramid Head, and the rest. I'm quite sure the pointy crested gent isn't featured in this game, so my expectations are a bit reserved.

REVIEW - Resident Evil 6 (360/PS3)

Resident Evil 6, the latest in the long running series of monster filled spook-a-thons, is now upon us. Both hyped and hated before release in equal measure, I imagine this will be the most divisive game in the franchise. Which side of the battle line do I stand?

Retroulette #31: Rocket Ranger

It's been too long. I almost forgot how great it was to blindly jump into a game that statistically will be the worst goddamn thing I ever played.

So here we have Rocket Ranger, for the NES. That name tells us absolutely nothing. 90% of games in the 80s contained at least one of those words, and I'm pretty sure at least 20 games used both.

REVIEW - Borderlands 2 (360/PS3)

Bazillions of guns, sassy robots, and shoot n' loot action. That's right partner; the highly anticipated sequel to 2009's Borderlands is out now, and I've put it through its paces.

The Doctors Have Left the Building: Bioware's Woes Continue

Bioware used to be the most promising developer in the industry. After being founded in 1995, it released a string of role playing game that shaped the genre for years to come. Baldur's Gate. Neverwinter Nights. Knights of the Old Republic. Jade Empire.

The world owes you a debt for this, Bioware.

Jamirus' Pushmo Adventures Episode 4: I'm a Gamblin' man.

Welcome to episode 4! This next pushmo is dedicated to my dear friend, Arucard.

Joe Danger 2: The Movie Giveaway

Yeah, Raptr gave out a whole bunch of codes for Joe Danger 2. Perhaps you aren't a member of Raptr, perhaps you were making a sandwich while all the codes were being absorbed by the masses, perhaps you were sleeping. Look, I don't know your life man. But anyway, I've come into possession of a code that I don't need.

You want it? Of course you do. You can't beat the price.

This could be yours! Oh shit is that a jetpack in the background!?

The rules are simple. Just post a comment on this article and give some way for me to contact you if you win.  At 6PM EST tomorrow I will draw a winner randomly. Post anything you want!



Well, try to keep it only a little bit racist if you can.


UPDATE: And it's all over. The Randomator has decided Doruhan is better than the rest of you.

Jamirus' Pushmo Adventures Episode 3: In the name of the Moon, I will punish you!

Welcome back, everyone! Episode 3 is sure to be a blast! Please enjoy my Sailor Moon Pushmo!

Jamirus' Pushmo Adventures Episode 2: I dream of Pushing.

Hello, and welcome to my pushmo puzzle of the week! This week is brought to you by my favorite NES games, Little Nemo: The Dream Master!

Please enjoy!

A Grown-Ass Man Continues To Play: JumpStart 3rd Grade

Back to Mystery Mountain! Last time, we put up with Polly's bullshit long enough to find one of the clues needed to find out where she sent one of the robots. But you have to find like four of the damn things.

Per robot.

And there's like 25 robots.

Polly, you're a straight up bitch.

Sony, you have GOT to be shitting me

Sony.


Sony, Sony, Sony.


You're not doing too great these days. I understand that. You're cutting jobs, shutting down developers, canceling games. Things aren't looking great for you right now. Even worse, the Vita isn't doing too hot. It has a decent but small library of games, and so much potential it hurts. But there's a problem....

Jamirus' Pushmo Adventures Episode 1: To Push or Not to Push; A Mega Man with a Mega Problem

Ever heard of the game Pushmo for the 3DS? I have! I've also created a few levels for the WHOLE WORLD to enjoy! This is Jamirus, bringing you my...

PUSHMO LEVEL OF THE WEEK!

It's way better than it looks!

Where he at?

Hello, everyone. It's the rare an elusive Jamirus. Much like a Porygon in the wild, I have been very difficult to catch lately.

I would like to apologize, mostly to Luchalma for my lack of content. Lately, I've been busy with life. I know. You've all just said "Uuuugh" with your mouth open to the side, waving me away like a very rude deaf person. My living predicament is less than optimal at this time, and writing anything down on my computer creates a constant flow of ridiculous questions that my high blood pressure just can't take. This would be the reason I'm updating at 7 in the morning.

However, I would just like to let you know what it is I have planned for the future!

Proceeding this post, I plan on creating a new series that will have a less than 1% margin to be enjoyed by anyone but myself! (Oh boy!)

I have finished Kingdom Hearts 3D, so I will craft a review for this. (Shit, now I actually have to do it!)

A while ago I downloaded Colors! 3D for the 3DS, so I'm going to start drawing more at work so I can share my caveman art to you all!

I've still got to do the SNES version for Sounds of our Generations. This is another one that can be difficult to do at home, as questions pour in as to why I'm listening to "shit".

I'll try and get another transcript for "Robotic Buzzkill" done soon, as well.

To recap. I'm not dead yet!

Thank you all, and I can't wait to provide entertainment for you!

-Jamirus

Let Us Have a Moment of Silence

Sony, in its continuing efforts toward irrelevancy, has decided to close Sony Computer Entertainment Liverpool. A respected developer with a portfolio of titles going back almost 30 years, SCE Liverpool (formerly Psygnosis) was truly a studio that has shaped the way we game. With such hits as G-Police, Discworld, and most famously the Wipeout series of racing games, their presence will be missed. The--

Wait a second...

To HELL with them!


In all seriousness, pour one out for Psygnosis.

Retroulette #30: Billy Bob's Huntin' 'n' Fishin'

Do I even have to say anything?

Billy Bob's Huntin' 'n Fishin', for the Gameboy Color. There's no part of that title that doesn't fill me with apprehension. As I say it aloud, every word only adds onto the creeping sense of doubt and anxiety.

Let's get this over with.

REVIEW - Sleeping Dogs (PS3/360)

Another month, another open world crime sandbox action game.

This game had a bit of a troubled development. Originally a new IP, then retooled into a reboot of the True Crime series, it was cancelled by Activision due to delays and budget problems. Eventually it was picked up by Square Enix and released as Sleeping Dogs.

Who gets the last laugh?

A Grown-Ass Man Plays: JumpStart 3rd Grade

Nostalgia. We all have those relics of our childhood that instantly bring us back to the halcyon days of yore. The days when you could spend all day sitting in front of the TV eating Spaghetti-O's and watching cartoons. Well, I'm doing that now, but it seemed better back then.

JumpStart 3rd Grade is one of those things for me. It was an educational PC game for the 7-9 crowd. And instead of being shitty, like most things you associate the word "educational" with, I for some reason have fond memories of it. I never beat it, and I don't expect I will now, but how much ass can I kick at this game as a man in his twenties?

The Bourne Legacy - A Review In Haiku

Retroulette Special: Total Recall

In the spirit of the last three posts, I thought it would be interesting to play the Totall Recall game for the NES. It's universally maligned, but I've never played it. How bad could it be?