Monday, November 19, 2012

Retroulette #32: Mr. Chin's Gourmet Paradise

Does the fact that I knew this game was about a portly Asian man eating bowls of rice just by the title make me racist, or the developers?








A little bit of both, I imagine.

Damn. The high score is so high it had to use letters.

Was cultural sensitivity invented after 1990? Keep in mind, this is an American developed game, and I can't imagine there was a single Asian person on staff. This is the equivalent of a Japanese developer releasing a game where you play as Uncle Sam hitting apple pies with a baseball bat at bald eagles.


(Can....can someone please make that game?)


Then again, it's always been socially acceptable here to be a little more racist to Asians. You would never see a Gangsta Tyrone's Chicken Chowdown or Sleepy José's Fajita Fiesta.


When Dr. Seuss says it's OK to be a racist asshole sometimes, the population just goes with it.

The game begins with the fatass Mr. Chin chugging his way onto the screen to think STAGE 1 at you.

And very likely smuggling Chinese immigrants in those cheeks.

So what kind of game is this? A boring one. You'll notice it looks very similar to the Super Mario Bros. arcade game.



Hold up...

Ceci n'est pas une pipe

They're not even trying. I don't know why I would expect anything more, this is clearly from a development team who thought "Mario is popular because of the Italian stereotypes right? We can do that."

So, the first thing I do is walk into the fire ball things and die. That's my bad. I've played enough games to know fireballs aren't a good thing unless you're throwing them.





The objective in this game, and it takes me quite a few deaths to figure this out, is placing bowls on the floor. Place two bowls and anything in between the two gets zapped with a laser for some reason and turns into a walking ass. You eat the asses and you win.



That's the entire game. Place some bowls, the ass laser shoots out, you chow down and you win the level. 

When you go in that pipe at the bottom, you just appear at the top again. You don't come out another pipe. You're just there.


THAT IS NOT HOW PIPES WORK
Shortly into the game there is a bonus stage where you're challenged to eat as many asses you can in 19 seconds. It's remarkably dumb because you can just jump to where the asses spawn and sit there as your score skyrockets.

That's-a-lotta-ass.

After that it takes you to the Teen Wolf level. Yes, there's a Teen Wolf level.




I never got past this level though. More accurately, I didn't care enough to keep playing when I died here.


It's very probable that when Mr. Chin comes down from whatever he's on he finds himself surrounded by a lot of blood and piles of bodies with chewed buttocks. When you get a game over you're treated to this image:


Chinese people, am I right?



If as a kid you walked past the Marios and Metroids and saw this and thought "Yeah, this is what I want", you deserve this game.





2 comments:

  1. Dude I want to fucking play Gangsta Tyrone's Fried Chicken Chowdown. He'd look like M. Bison and wear boxing gloves. Yeah muthafucka!

    ReplyDelete
  2. "Uncle Sam hitting apple pies with a baseball bat at bald eagles." LOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLO!

    ReplyDelete