Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Retroulette #30: Billy Bob's Huntin' 'n' Fishin'

Do I even have to say anything?

Billy Bob's Huntin' 'n Fishin', for the Gameboy Color. There's no part of that title that doesn't fill me with apprehension. As I say it aloud, every word only adds onto the creeping sense of doubt and anxiety.

Let's get this over with.






Ok, what the hell.


Who gave them permission for this game?


Nintendo! What won't you hand a license to? How bad does a game have to be before you realize that it reflects poorly on YOU. You allowed this to happen! Whatever happens after this, it's on you man.


`And here we are. This is Billy Bob. A fatass Larry the Cable Guy looking son of a bitch with legs coming out of his ass and a ten year old's shirt, giving the laziest thumbs up I've ever seen.

We get to be him. We get to be this guy.

Upon pressing start, the game immediately brings us to a crossroads in the middle of the woods.

It looks like you've been drinking, Billy Bob. Get this man a gun!
This is actually the menu, and the only clever thing about this game. Walking in the four directions available to you will take you to all the unfun things you presumably bought this game to do. I figure I'll go huntin' first, so I head in the direction of the deer head. That brings me to the hunting lodge. It takes Billy Bob about thirty seconds to walk his pudgy ass the ten feet between him and the door.

There is absolutely no way a serial killer doesn't live there.

Inside, we're greeted by a friendly gentleman by the name of [NAME NOT FOUND].

I have no idea which part of that shit on his head is hair, and which part is hat.

Apparently, Daisy wants some rabbit. Who the hell that is, and why that's my problem are not explained. Next we are free to explore the lodge.

That guys' fucking face is the size of all of Billy Bob.
How this works is each item in the room is a mini game that will reward you with something that ostensibly makes your hunt easier. Interacting with the ammo brings us to this.

Or I can just shoot you and take all your bullets.

This mini game is a bunch of bullshit. We're magically whisked away to one of those crappy carnival games where you try to shoot moving ducks or whatever.

 
The problem with this game is your bullet flies at like 1 PPM (pixel per minute). The rabbits, however, zoom left and right like The Flash.

Get back you you speedy sonofabitch!
You really have to have ESP to have a chance with this minigame. The Men Who Stare at Goats should have been two hours of government agents monitoring people's scoring at Billy Bob's Rabbit Shoot.

By a fine mixture of miracle and firing wildly, I manage to shoot enough rabbits to be awarded as much ammo as I can carry.



Next my eye is instantly drawn to the bathtub, and my mind races trying to put together why there is a bathtub right in the open inside a hunting lodge.

Why, it's filled with nothing but corpses!
This minigame...makes no goddamn sense.


I have to take a bath before I go hunting. That part makes some sense. Rabbits have a keen sense of smell, and I imagine Billy Bob smells like a dirty diaper soaked in garbage water at all times. What I don't understand is who is shooting pigs out of a cannon into the lake while I'm trying tho bathe.

"Don't let the pigs in the water Billy Bob! It would be a lot easier if I stopped throwin' 'em out there, but I am a crazy hillbilly."

I also never wanted to see Billy Bob nude. That's the wrong kind of fanservice. I must admit the man has far less back hair than I would have guessed.

Anyway, it's a simple matter of moving back and forth as the pigs bounce around until I'm clean enough to stop with this bullshit.

I guarantee that's the first bath this man ever took.

Next I have to get my license. To get my rabbit hunting license, I have to play a minigame in which the object is to hunt a bunch of rabbits.


 On four parts of the screen, animals (and decapitated deer heads, naturally) appear randomly. You have to wait for the rabbit to appear, then move your D-pad to that corner and fire. It's far easier than that damn ammo minigame.


So now it's time to hunt! As I leave the lodge, "Daisy" doesn't miss the opportunity to nag me about needing some rabbits.


What's this? My hunter senses are tingling. Aha! Daisy is a rare member of the half-deer-half-woman species. Notice her shapely hoof:

An open and shut case.
She is probably the end boss. The Wo-deer is a notoriously hard species to catch...alive

My hunt begins with the lazy-ass Billy Bob riding his Hoveround around the half acre of space available.

Now this is hunting.

I notice as I ride around that I'm continuously being chased by Sgt. Slaughter.


This is actually the park ranger or some shit, and he just wants to make sure I have my license.

Thank goodness we played that shitty minigame, right guys? That was a close one!
So now the dude backs off. It's just me and the rabbits now. Except I have no idea where the damn rabbits are. Seriously, I drive around this small (I can not stress that fact enough, it's very small) area waiting to see some damn rabbits so I can run them over or something, but no dice.

 What you have to do is, randomly little paw prints will appear on the map (you can see them in the first picture of the hunting area). They disappear if you get close to them in your scooter. So you have to unwedge Billy Bob's fat ass from behind the steering wheel and roll your way over to the paw prints. When you do that, the real action begins!!


No. No it doesn't. It's the same minigame as the one to get your license.

This is hunting in the same way hitting a deer with your car is.

And you just do that three times. That's the hunting portion of Billy Bob's Huntin' n' Fishin'.

What the hell, You motherfucker, and Awwwwww yeah, respectively.
 Now it's time to trudge BB's sloth-like form all the way to the fishing hole.

This may honestly be my least favorite sprite ever.
We make our way inside the bait shop and meet another unsavory fellow.


Daisy can get off her own fat ass and get all these animals.

It's the same deal over here. There's stuff you interact with to play minigames while a giant looks on in puzzled amusement.

"I don't have to get naked over here right? OK, I like fishin' better."
 If you interact with the box of worms, you have to play a minigame digging up worms outside.

Why's he gotta hog all the box worms?

This game is easy. It's pretty much whack-a-mole. The worms are pretty bi-


Ahhhhhh holy hell! Somebody call Kevin Bacon and Fred Ward!

You only have to get 10 of them. It only takes a few seconds.

BULLSHIT! Those are smaller than something the worms I caught would shit out!

 Next I go to the bucket of minnows. Again the guy tells me I gotta get my own out back.


This minigame is the worst.

Everything I said about the rabbit shooting carnival game up top? Double that. Quadruple it.

It seems so simple in theory.







Minnows will jump from one tank to another. You simply have to press a direction on the d-pad when that happens. That's it.

But it's impossible.

Seriously. There's a slight delay when you press a button before he moves his net in that direction, but even if there weren't, the fish don't so much move as they do teleport. You have no chance to catch these bastards. I fail pretty miserably.

Beaten but not defeated I head on to crawdad creek.


This minigame is not fun, but at least it's designed for human reflexes. It's the same thing pops up do a thing thing.

Next it's time to get my license! This game involves using my gelatinous frame to stop beverage cans from dropping in the water.

"Call the reapirman? No, just throw Billy Bob's pudgy ass at the problem."

Now that I have my license, it's time to catch some bass. Daisy ain't gettin' none of them though, I can guarantee that.


Fishing is........well, I have no idea.

I never see a fish.

After twenty minutes of driving my boat around and stopping at various fishing spot, I don't see one lousy fish.

Judging by the flies surround him, it appeared Billy Bob needed another bath with the pigs.

That's a pretty accurate representation of my experiences with fishing.


Back to the menu, I decide to see what the other paths lead to. On the top left we have an outhouse. And there, you of course input passwords.

"I'm about to drop a number 2, then a number 1, then two 2's, then another 2, and then inexplicably a B-A-Select-Start"

The other path leads to Daisy's house.


She won't let you in until you hunt all the things she wants though.


Fuck that.

                                                 


This cover art is so honest, you have to love it. It says "Don't buy me" right on the box. It's in picture form, sure, but it says it loud enough.........







5 comments:

  1. That us by far the hottest man on the gbc.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This game looks like a pile of shit. fuck that, indeed.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Literally lol'ed at the drink can minigame caption

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  4. How'd he score the blonde babe?

    ReplyDelete