Thursday, August 2, 2012

Retroulette #29: RoboCop Versus The Terminator

The crossover.

Few ideas seem better than taking two great things and putting them together. Aliens and Predators, Freddie and Jason, Superman and....the Quik Bunny.

Always remember that this happened.
But very rarely does this idea ever truly work. Most of the time you have things that should never be together in the first place. And when it does work, it's really only notable for the novelty.

Today, the robots are very excited to make me play RoboCop Versus The Terminator for the Sega Genesis.

This is a crossover that demanded to be crossed over. But is it better left to the imagination?






This is our story set up:


You'd think after the many, many failures (RoboCop is the only success after all) these people would be prepared for this shit. Cyberdyne can't have fucked up worse than OCP though.


And by fucked up I mean discontinuing the ED-209 program. Those things are bad ass.

Anyway...


Ok, WTF Cyberdyne? You were copying RoboCop's design, who the hell forgot to give it some Prime Directives? Like, ummmm... DON'T START A GODDAMN WAR WITH HUMANITY (Unless we say so).

Long story short, Skynet sends back some Terminators from the future (as it is wont to do), RoboCop fights 'em, he uploads his data into a computer and Skynet is like "Shit yeah, that's just what we need." He wakes up in the future and he has to stop Skynet, badda bing badda boom.

I'm actually a little iffy on when this game takes place. It says:


But it also says:


 So who knows.

Let's get this game started! Here's our objective for the first level:


Ok. I don't think that's the kind of thing you need to program into RoboCop's brain. It's very unlikely he's going to rebel on this one.



The game is your average side scrolling action game. There are two things that set it apart:

  1. You play as fucking RoboCop. That already makes this game more badass than your Contras and your Metal Slugs.
  2. This game is gory as shit. No exaggeration, this is the most over the top violent game I've ever seen. I mean, the first RoboCop movie is remembered partially for a few scenes of extremely graphic violence, but in that movie people didn't explode the second slow moving projectiles touched their skin.
Observe.
















I mean, how does that even happen? I shot him with an orange Nerf ball, and yet every atom in his body responded by simultaneously saying "Fuck this, I'm going my own way."

I'm tearing my way through this level like a scourge of a magnitude this planet has never witnessed. I don't even know who these jokers are. Are they Terminators? I've seen the Arnold model, the Robert Patrick model, the Kristanna Loken model, the Summer Glau model and the Shirley Manson model but I don't recognize these guys. If Skynet has started rolling out Asshole Biker Terminators by the thousands, humanity is doomed.

All of a sudden: I get hit by a bullet! Oh shit oh shit, I broke one of the Prime Directives. Surely I'm going to have to shut down.

N....no? This is one of those Prime Directives that's really more of a Friendly Suggestion I guess.

To be fair, I was surprised by this jerk shooting from a manhole. I'm a robot, not fucking psychic.
All throughout this level, a song plays in the background made up of the usual crappy Genesis drum beats. Every few seconds, a woman has a quiet orgasm while whispering Terminator. Frankly, it's more erotic than I would imagine talking about killer robots could be, but she makes it work. And as far as I know, this is just about the only song in the entire game. It plays on every level.

Toward the end of the level, one of the goons drops a gun. I pick it up anHOLY SHIT THIS IS THE BEST GUN EVER. Seriously, this might be my favorite gun in a game. It's a grenade launcher, but after I shoot the grenade I can have it just hover around me or fly in any direction I want it to. And I can do this with like 10 grenades at a time. So I can just shoot grenades and have a wall of them flying in front of me as the screen scrolls. BOOM, everything's fucking dead.

OMG, I keep finding myself writing "RC + BAMFG" on my Trapper Keeper you guys.
Shortly after that, the "boss" of this level shows up. He's just some fatass with a big gun, but his doesn't shoot an army of angry grenades so this fight is easy.

Some might say shooting him in the balls is overkill, I say "Eat grenades, balls."


 On to level 2.


See, that's more like it. Although you could make the argument that again I don't need to be told this, because Prime Directive number 2 is Protect the innocent. Unless these hostages are a bunch of guilty bastards, I was going to do this anyway.

Level 2 is almost exactly the same as level 1. This time though, there's the aforementioned hostages scattered here and there. And Zombies Ate My Neighbors style, it appears they can be killed if you're a little slow on killing the enemies.

"Thank you for saving me! I'm just so happy I've gotta...I've gotta.....Y-M-C-A!"

My gun is still consistently destroying everything in its path. In fact, I'm kicking so much ass, the Genesis starts to slow down from all the grenades I'm firing. It literally can't handle the awesome.

Holy shit dude, you have to slow down with all these-hnnnnngggg - Sega Genesis 1989 - 2012
I'm beginning to suspect this woman just keeps saying Terminator to remind people that this is supposed to also be a Terminator game. Because from everything I've seen thus far, it's looking a lot like a RoboCop game.

Oh wait, never mind. At the end of this stage we finally see a Terminator.


As far as bosses go, this one is pretty easy, but also quite dickish. As you shoot him, pieces of his skin fly off revealing his metal skeleton. Then he'll fall on the floor and you'll be like "Haha that was easy."


Then he just gets back up and shoots you instantly. This happens like four times. And it tricks me every time, because I am stupid. He even kills me. And when you die, you lose your weapon. Eventually I kill his robot ass.

RC + BAMFG 4EVER!

Next level!

You guys can just tell me these things. A Prime Directive is a rule or order that RoboCop is forced to obey through programming. They are unbendable and unbreakable. Breaking  cameras is just something he'll do if you ask him, you don't need to rewire his brain.

This level is different from the last two. It takes place in the still unfinished Delta City.


 For some reason, there's enemies that just pop into existence right in front of you already shooting.

"Doo de do-What the shit?"
At one point, with very little health left, some dude spawns inside of me and it kills me.

That's BULLSHIT.

Also there's pipes that just spit out fire for some reason. And this fire kills you instantly.


On one hand, that fire will kill me. On the other, that's the BAMFG and it's blinking out of existence. This choice is tougher than it should be.

At the end of this level is some robot walking tank boss thing.


This guy. Even touching him kills you, and he's always walking toward you. So you have to keep using the ladders to jump on the pipe at the top to go over him. But if your little tootsies touch his head, you're dead.  Doing all of this to just avoid dying doesn't leave much time to shoot him. I went in to this fight with 5 lives, and I still got a Game Over.


So, all that shit over again. The fire, the teleporting jerkasses. I ignore all the security cameras though. Disobeying Prime Directives is so easy! On the second attempt at the boss, he dies really fast. I have no idea why.


Again, I think I can handle this one on my own guys. RoboCop isn't a freaking idiot.


This is one Prime Directive you better follow. Because in this level, if you even look at the toxic waste, you're dead.


Also, this level just decides this game is a fucking bullet hell shooter all of a sudden. There's shit coming from every direction, always.

Dramatization
Long story short, I die a whole bunch of times, run out of continues, and get booted back to the main menu.

How Much Did the Cover Art Lie?


That's the most boring goddamn box ever. If it didn't have the words RoboCop and Terminator on it I'd be convinced it was some kind of Tic-Tac-Toe simulator. However, the PAL release gave us what we would expect of something like this.

That almost makes up for the Zombies Ate My Neighbors cover.

Almost.


4 comments:

  1. Gorilla With Testosterone SupplementAugust 3, 2012 at 12:33 AM

    Ahh... that game did have some badass guns.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wxKhuaRoyuo

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  2. I'd buy that for a dollar!

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  3. That was pretty hilarious. I laughed out loud at "I'm going to get hit by -all- the bullets."

    The game gets a little bit better as it goes on. The key is to get ahold of the best weapon and NOT LOSE IT. That'd be the plasma beam, or better yet the gold plasma beam.

    I did a write-up of this game on my own site that shows the later bosses, if you want to check it out: http://www.coronajumper.com/2012/12/robocop-vs-terminator.html

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  4. T-T-T Simulator sounds almost as cool as Wood Cutter Simulator. ALMOST.

    PEW PEW PEW.

    *Terminator Orgasms all over the page* :D

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