The Golden Lotion Awards

As 2012 comes to a close, it is time to reflect and make sense of it all. What went wrong, what went right, what made you argue on message boards for weeks. 2012 is an interesting year, a year of transition. As some consoles lay dead or dying, new ones are born naked and crying. This was also the Year of the Downloadable Game. As we slide further and further into the 7th generation's twilight years, the Downloadable Game has provided fresh, new experiences for people bored of the AAA play-it-safe sequels.

Here are the winners of the 1st Annual Golden Lotion Awards...

Doomsdaycember Retroulette: Mad Max

There was a time, not long ago, when movie games were as common as a Rattata.

This symbol will always remind you of what you are you shitty Rattata..

As with today, they mostly sucked. But unlike today, they made a game for goddamn everything. In most cases it can melt your brain just trying to imagine who would ever want that game. No one ever received a copy of Beethoven's 2nd for the SNES outside of April Fools Day. If you got a copy of Home Alone 2 for the Genesis, it was only so your parents could laugh at your sobs until they told you your real present was still under the tree.

Mad Max doesn't have that problem.

A post-apocalyptic wasteland. Guns. Cars. Explosions. Making a game out of that has to be the easiest job ever, right? 93% of games are exactly that anyway.

If nothing else, Mad Max for the NES is a powerful reminder that no matter how sound a concept, being based on a movie means a game is by law required to gargle balls.

Doomsdaycember: Why You Should Play The Walking Dead

Last night was the Spike VGAs. The Walking Dead won GOTY, and it deserved it.

SPOILER ALERT: Some people are pissed.
SPOILER ALERT: The people that are pissed are ones that haven't played the game.

The Walking Dead isn't a game. It's not an interactive movie, either. It's an experience. You'd be doing yourself a disservice if you didn't at least try it out. I've finished the game twice now, and my thoughts on it have yet to change: This may very well be the best experience I've had with a game this generation.

Doomsdaycember: All Planets Gotta End Sometime

The end of the world. It's a plot device seen in a lot of games recently. It's understandable; the stakes are as high as can be, the consequences devastating. Why not go straight to the top with your threat?

Corrupt CEO Doúche Dickfacé wants to close the community center!? Huh. What a jerk.
Evil dictator Rasicto Carikatoor wants to blow up the whole world? FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

Never mind. Just Norway.

This opens plenty of narrative possibilities. Whether your characters are actively trying to prevent a doomsday event or simply trying to survive in the hellish aftermath, you got options.

For example, at any moment the end could come at the hands of....

End of the World EXTRAVAGANZA!

In case you have not heard, the Mayans decided the world is ending this month according to dumb people.

Well shucks. The Earth had a pretty good run I suppose. I'm declaring this month DOOMSDAYCEMBER. All month long (or until the 22nd, which allegedly won't exist I guess) we'll be taking a look at the end of the world, the apocalypse, Armageddon, the great cataclysm, Ragnarok.

I can't think of a better way to spend your last days!

Luchalma Lingo: Stick of Butter

Stick of Butter

A representation of one's life force.

"Oh man I only have one stick of butter left!"

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We continue my series of butter based vocabulary with probably the most used Luchalma Lingo word of them all.

Nowadays, it's chic to represent health in video games with unintrusive visual cues. Bloody screens, color fading, bruises and the like. But back in the day games did it right. And one game did it rightest of all.

Mega Man.

Look at that. No ambiguity there. A perfect column of sticks of butter to precisely convey just how close to fucked you are. It's so perfect, I refer to any form of health as sticks of butter.

Hearts?

Sticks of butter.

Pieces of chocolate?

Sticks of butter.

Honeycombs?

Sticks of butter.

Fucking numbers?

If I wanted an eyeful of digits I'd call one of the Three Stooges a knucklehead. Clearly there's a better way to do this.

Things might get a little complicated around level 50.

Nowadays it's a guessing game. Is my screen mostly red, or is it just kinda red? Not that it matters anyway. A few seconds behind that rock and it's back to factory fresh. 

That.......that's a whole other issue.

Retroulette #32: Mr. Chin's Gourmet Paradise

Does the fact that I knew this game was about a portly Asian man eating bowls of rice just by the title make me racist, or the developers?

REVIEW - Hitman: Absolution (360/PS3)

It's been a big year for assassins and hired killers. While the Corvos and Conners of the world flaunt their flashy newness to everybody who will pay attention, Hitman does what Hitman does best. It waits in the shadows for just the right time. Does Absolution sneak right on by never leaving a trace, or does it garrote its place into our hearts?

Mobile Gaming: What the hell is that?

Mobile gaming.

I'm not talking about handhelds, like the Nintendo DS, the Playstation Vita, or the NGage (Remember that?! Me neither).

Mobile gaming. Phones. Tablets.

I've had a Droid phone for about 6 months now, which means it's already outdated. I like it. All the fun little apps, the games, etc. Not bad. Certainly better than my Crunchberry that I had before it. But you get bored at work, maybe a long car ride, you look for stuff to pass the time. And there's some fun games on there good to waste a few minutes. Angry Birds _____ (Pick a noun, you'll likely find a game they made) seems to be the staple. But dig more, and you'll unearth a fountain of gaming you never thought possible... Allow me to explain.

REVIEW - Call of Duty: Black Ops II (360/PS3)

It's that time of year again. The leaves are changing colors, the weather is approaching ball-shriveling cold, and the ten ton behemoth that is Call of Duty is poised to grab the sales charts and climb the Empire State Building. The highly anticipated sequel to the highly anticipated sequel to the highly anticipated sequel to Call of Duty: Something or Other is now among us. Is this series becoming long in the tooth, or does Black Ops II take the formula to new heights.