Retroulette #11: Renegade

This time, the Picker machine spit out a long piece of paper that just said "Renegade. Sega Master System." followed by a long series of expletives I shan't repeat here.

Trials Evolution, I hate you SO much.

I don't even have anything witty to say here. Just fuck this game, and everyone on my friends list that has better times than me. I'm haunted by your stupid taunting ghosts.

Why can't I just be better at this!!!

Retroulette #10: Metal Warriors

 Today I was presented with a game calling itself Metal Warriors, for the SNES.

With a title like that, this is bound to be the most boringly generic game ever right? Read on to find out!

(spoilers: Nope, this game is fucking awesome)

Luchalma Lingo: Piece of Cake Son

Piece of Cake Son

To attempt a jump in a video game, only to fall instantly.

"I hope I don't Piece of Cake Son this jump."
"Damn it I Piece of Cake Son'd it."

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In an old episode of the Simpsons, Treehouse of Horror VI to be exact, Homer got himself stuck in an alternate 3D dimension. As it started to collapse into a black hole of sorts, Homer needed to jump over the pit.  He not only didn't make the jump, he didn't really jump at all. He just sort of walked into the vortex. You can see this here:

This seems to happen to me a lot in games. I'll be running toward the edge of a platform, and I'll press the jump button, but instead of jumping at all I just fall. This is always bullshit.

But also, I always know it's sort of my fault. And that's double bullshit.

Retroulette #9: Radical Rex

Today the Randomaton decides I will play Radical Rex for the Sega Genesis.

Radical Rex is a game produced at the height of gaming's "Attitude Era", where the heroes would save the world, but were required to act like they did not give a shit about saving the world.

The Man of Many Faces (Comic)

Maybe it's just me, but I just cannot resist the urge to gather every single crafting or alchemical ingredient in The Witcher 2. It has quadrupled my play time, surely.

Luchalma Lingo: Beoufing

Beoufing


To charge the enemy recklessly and stupidly, usu. when death is the only other option.

"I'm almost dead, I'm gonna start Beoufing him"
"I've got no choice, I've gotta Beouf this boss"

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In the blockbuster action extravaganza I Robot, there comes a point where it's full on war between man and machine (Spoilers!).  The stakes are high, and Will Smith is off doing some Will Smith business (chilling out, maxing, and relaxing presumably). Of course, my stance on approaching robot menaces is well documented (I beware them). So who's coordinating the fight against the robots? Who is representing humanity in this grand battle against automatons?

Shia. LaBeouf.

Yes, this guy was the one down in the streets leading the charge.

Pictured: The face of a warrior.

 In game terms, Beoufing is saying "Fuck this" and unleashing an all out assault on a superior foe. It's not a wise strategy in most cases, but darn it, some time you just gotta Beouf some fools.

It's not necessary, but it also helps to yell out "Chhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrge" as you're running to almost certain death. Shia would be proud.

For Optimus!

Retroulette #8: Mighty Bomb Jack

Today, the Rand-O-Mizer serves up a heaping helping of Mighty Bomb Jack for the NES. This might be good. In the past, any game I've played with "bomb" in the title has turned out to be a jolly good time. Though I realize that is limited to Bomberman games. But maybe this is like that.

It's not like that. It's not like that even a little bit.

REVIEW - The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings - Enhanced Edition (Xbox 360)

   The Witcher 2 is not what we've come to expect from roleplaying games. This fantasy world is not filled with playful fairies and elves singing songs. While not the first game to be described as a mature RPG it is the first I feel that deserves it. While other, similar games are happy to show a bit of nudity and throw buckets of blood on the player, this one deals with sophisticated issues and ideas. It's a world of politics, racism, and terrorism, not unlike our own.

There's still plenty of blood and boobs though.

Luchalma Lingo: Working for Mrs. Tweedy

Working for Mrs. Tweedy

To have a computer controlled companion obstruct your progress to such a degree, there's no explanation other than they are working for the enemy.

"My companion keeps getting in my line of fire, he's obviously working for Mrs. Tweedy."

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A long time ago I played a game called Chicken Run on the Dreamcast, based on the hit movie of the same name. It was a surprisingly awesome game. Think Metal Gear Solid, but with chickens. Anyway, every once in awhile you'd play a mini game, with some wacky scheme to try to escape the farm. In some of these sequences you had to work with other chickens to escape. And there was always that one chicken who messed things up so badly, it's clear Mrs. Tweedy had chickens on the inside.

"Hey guys, what do you say we stop trying to escape and go peacefully wait to be turned into pies."

This of course is a common occurrence in any game that has you playing with NPC companions, and especially in the bane of all gamers: The Escort Mission.

Why else would they run right into a group of enemies?
Why else would they get in your way at every opportunity?
Why else would they give away your position any time you're trying to be sneaky?

They're getting paid by that bitch Mrs. Tweedy, that's why.

Employee of the Month: 7 years running

The Witcher 2 (360) review

So, I was sent a copy of the Witcher 2 from CD Projekt RED to review. Does anything more really need to be said?

FINAL VERDICT*

Translation for other developers: I'm willing to play ball.

*Of course that's not my real review. But keep an eye out, it's coming soon.

Retroulette #7: Jim Henson's Muppets

Today's game is Jim Henson's Muppets , for the Gameboy Color.

Historically, The Muppets are only something I enjoy in their baby forms, but I guess I can give this game a shot.

The Secret to Success

Step 2: Distance yourself from your "inspiration". Congrats on the masterpiece Phil.

Retroulette #6: Joe and Mac

Sometimes the robots that pick these games are nice to me. Today's game, Joe and Mac for the SNES, is one of my old favorites. You play as one of two buff deformed cave children on a quest to get kisses. I haven't played it in years though, so let's see what happens.

Luchalma Lingo: Smith Hands

Smith Handing

To be forced into doing something you don't want to do, esp. in a video game.

"This boss is totally Smith handing the shit out of me."
"I got Smith handed into watching this baby."

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Quite a while ago, a game was released by the name of Enter The Matrix. It was unpolished and glitchy but was quite underrated. But that's not the point! There was a level where your character had to run away from Agent Smith. When he got close to you, he had the tendency to "suck you into" his hands. This was your character out of nowhere making the transition into the "being grabbed" animation by Agent Smith. You had no control over whether or not you were grabbed, he just teleported you into his mighty fists. This is Smith handing.

What probably maybe didn't happen.

But this was only giving a name to what is a pretty common occurrence in video games. If you've played any decent amount of games over the years you've experienced this.

That time you were stuck in a jump animation when you get hit.

The boss that attacks you, and before you can recover or react, attacks you again.

That jerk in the fighting game that keeps you in the corner.

That time that stupid Rathalos knocked you on the ground in Monster Hunter, and you watch in horror as it charges at you while you're still going through the "get up" animation.

All examples of Smith handing.

These bitches don't even have hands, but that never stopped them from Smith handing the crap out of you at every opportunity.

So remember, if almost never your fault when you die in a game. It's those Smith handing cheaters.

"Oh man, just give me a reason."

Retroulette #5: James Bond 007: The Duel

Today the Select-droid gives us James Bond 007: The Duel, for the Sega Game Gear.

Enough small talk, let's get to the point: This game is hard as balls.

But now you're getting ahead of yourself. Let's back up and start at the beginning.

Retroulette #4: Mechanized Attack

The game the Randombot 3000 gave me this time is called Mechanized Attack for the NES, or MECHANIZED ATTACK as the title screen would have you believe. The first thing I notice is that it's made by SNK, so this has a chance of being pretty good. The second thing I notice is the "PULL THE TRIGGER" demand. As I'm using a controller, I already know I'm screwed. If this game is any harder than a color blind test, slowly jerking my cursor around with a D-pad is only going to lead to a series of quick deaths.

The Final Fantasy VI Comic Collection

A while ago I played through Final Fantasy VI with a friend. I made some comics (as I am wont to do) based on some of our jokes and experiences. They may be a bit "inside" but what the hey, I'll post them here. There will be spoilers, but c'mon, this game is old.

 

  

And now the thrilling two-parter conclusion!

Retroulette #3: Gods

The pick-o-matic gives us another Genesis game this time, Gods, by the Bitmap Brothers. You know it's by the Bitmap Brothers, because they made sure to put their name fucking everywhere. 

Some stories are better than others...(Comic)

While playing Dragon Age II, during the more monotonous RPG-ish aspects I always found it funny when I remembered the entire game was a story told by Varric.

To see it full size, open it in a new tab.

Beating Dragon Age II or: How I Learned to Stop Hating and Accept the Bomb

Recently, on a gentlemanly agreement, I made the journey to beat Dragon Age II, a game I had nothing but contempt for. I chronicled my play through the entire way in a series of diary entries. There be spoilers here, so don't read unless you've beaten the game. Hell, even if you have it may not make sense.

Retroulette #2: Superman

This time, the Choose-o-tron spits out a game somebody out there may have actually played. Superman, for the Genesis (or the Mega Drive, if you're wrong).

Retroulette #1: Bionic Battler

Today the journey of Retroulette begins. The idea is simple, I pick a retro game at random (using a very advanced algorithm I assure you, I don't just close my eyes) and , with no prior knowledge of the game, describe what happens.