Retroulette #37: Star Wars: Yoda Stories

Excitement for the Star Wars franchise is once again on the rise. With every bit of news released concerning J.J. Abrams' Episode VII, fans start with the speculation and uproar. It's important to remember how big and far-reaching Star Wars is in the cultural landscape. There is anything but a shortage of Star Wars video games. More accurately, there is no shortage of shitty Star Wars games.

Star Wars: Yoda Stories begins with Yoda giving orders to Luke in the way Yoda is known for: In all caps, with plenty of exclamation marks. Yoda is the Sam Kinison of Jedi Knights, apparently.

"MY BITCH, YOU ARE!!!"

So this screen goes on for what seems a few weeks, at least. Yoda's old ass goes on an on when he could have simply said "Install the power coupling in the Millennium Falcon", or however backwards way he'd say it. "Millennium coupling install in..." or some shit. I don't know. The point is, the pixels that make up Luke's face look like they're screaming in unison. If this is the premise of the game, I'm ready to sign out right now. Yoda can't tell a story to save his life, and he'd probably ruin it anyway if he tried.

"THE END...Tyler Durden and I are the same person. And it was then that I discovered..."

 After all of that is over, the game starts proper. With a name like Yoda Stories, you may expect to play as Yoda. Or at least carry him in your backpack while he makes snazzy quips like a green, shriveled Kazooie. But nope, you're just Luke, like every Star Wars game pre-KOTOR. At first, the game seems pretty damn awesome, because it presents itself as a Star Wars themed Zelda type game. And just thinking about that makes my Schwartz grow. But then you actually start to try to move around, and the illusion is shattered instantly.

Hey this is pretty aweso-OH FUCK THIS!

The biggest problem is how horribly everything about the movement feels. Jerky, unresponsive, and with almost no animation. Luke just teleports from square to square on an invisible grid, and it feels so gross, you don't really notice how bad everything else about the game is. The enemies all move the same way, so it's just a mess of jumbled pixels flying all over the place. Additionally, Luke can barely swing his lightsaber and the hit detection for his gun is really spotty. But only for Luke. The stormtroopers are fuckin' snipers. So you know, the exact opposite of the movies.

"Step away from the absurdly scaled vehicle, kid."

I lurch my way from screen to screen avoiding classic Star Wars creatures, such as space snakes and space lizards. I don't even remember what I'm looking for. A power coupling or some shit? I don't know what that means. After wandering the desert aimlessly, I decide I can't handle the nauseating movement and turn it off.

Yoda's just sitting there quietly, not screaming incoherently at you, so it's pretty misleading. Luke is ready to cut off the dude's head, and I can't really blame him.

If Yoda tells you he has a story to tell, run far away. Though you'll still be able to hear him yelling it out anyway.