Monday, January 21, 2013

A Devil May Cry, but fans are much more predictable.

Quite recently, a game was released with the unfortunate title of DmC: Devil May Cry. Unfortunate both because capitalize that 'm' you dumb-asses, and because it shares a title with an earlier, supposedly beloved series of games. The vocal minority, doing what the vocal minority does best, is in rage mode; fucking the internet with its hate boner in a desperate attempt to scream to anyone who will listen "HEY! THIS ISN'T WHAT WE WANT". The world, doing what it does best, gives zero shits. However, it does raise many questions about the power of brand recognition, the attachment people feel to a franchise, and the fear of change.

First off, it's important to note that many of these people feel slighted by the release of this new DMC because in their mind this new game was released instead of the game they wanted. From the very beginning their arguments are silly because that game was never going to be made in the first place. Like it or not, the Devil May Cry series was dead. And if you're the type of person who truly would rather there be no game instead of a game you don't want to play, you're a cockass. 

Well then, one might wonder, why call this game Devil May Cry at all? If the series was so dead that it necessitated this reboot, then there aren't enough fans to be attracted to the Devil May Cry name in the first place. That's a fair point Straw Man, but look at your gaming collection. How many games did you buy last year without a number somewhere in the title or that weren't based on some established property? The answer is probably hovering somewhere below 0.

This seems like the perfect time to recommend you check out Spelunky, now available on Xbox LIVE™.

Not to mention the age old nugget "no publicity is bad publicity". The uproar and boycotts did more to increase interest in the title than anything Capcom could have ever done. I wouldn't be surprised if that was their intention. In fact, I'll go further. That was their intention. They played you like suckas'.

But it's one thing to hate on a game after you play it.  Lord knows I've wasted entirely too much time discussing the faults of Dragon Age II online (and in case you are wondering, the appropriate amount of time is none; None time). It's another to froth at the mouth at little more than a character design. Before the game was ever shown in any capacity, it was revealed that the new Dante was going to look like this:

"What the shit", fans cried. "Who the hell is this emo pretty boy? This isn't the grizzled badass Dante I know".

For comparison, the apparently "badass" version of Dante.

You would think that in a gameplay driven series like Devil May Cry the correct reaction to such a change would be "Whatevs. As long as it plays great". But no, white hair is apparently so fucking rad that the very absence of it can drive a man to the very brink of insanity. That partially explains why The Golden Girls is the best TV show ever made.

Problem: SOLVED

Now let me tell you, dear reader, that I haven't played DmC yet. There's every chance that it could suck as many balls as you claimed it would before it released. But that's entirely not the point.

Devil May Cry is not the only series to receive such an outcry. Not too long ago a game was released on the Vita by the name of Silent Hill: Book of Memories, and statistically zero of the people reading this have ever heard of it. It was, from the very beginning, billed as an action RPG take on the Silent Hill universe. That didn't stop the stupider fans from crying "This isn't Silent Hill!".

I have no goddamn idea what is happening in this screenshot. That's how I know this is a Silent Hill game.

Even spin offs aren't safe from impotent fanboy rage. It would be like the Mario fanbase getting up in arms every time the pudgy bastard decided to take up a new sport.

But all of this pales in comparison to knowing that I live in a world where Sonic the Hedgehog having green eyes was decried as a sign of the Apocalypse.

And it was written; David Lo Pan must sacrifice a hedgehog with green eyes to become whole again. And lo, the world shall tremble and fall apart at the dawn of his return.

 Don't play games you don't want to play. Shed a single tear for the franchises you once loved. Just shut the fuck up about it.


  1. You should have mentioned of the idiotic outrage surrounding Metal Gear Rising, we'll be seeing something similar next month when it releases I'll bet. Whiny losers who can't take change.

  2. Personally I always liked Dante's look and thought he looked his best in DMC4. That's just me though. <.<

    1. It ain't a bad look. The point is that it shouldn't really matter.

  3. Whining about whining.

    1. Whining about whining about whining.

      Your move, sir.

    2. Whining about he who whines about you who whines about the whining of whinerton and hot dogs and caramels and I've totally gone off track with this stupidly long sentence.

  4. If a game plays amazing, I don't care if my onscreen character is a pile of dogshit.

    1. In many cases that could only improve the experience.

  5. Gorilla With Artificial GenitaliaJanuary 29, 2013 at 12:21 PM

    I cannot wait for Devil May Dogshit